"Yoda, There is Try"

A few nights ago, Dana was out for the evening.  After making one of my favorite alone meals of fish sticks and beans, I pulled out our VHS copies of the original Star Wars trilogy and enjoyed some great memories and movies.  Still love it!

But, I did catch Yoda hurting the whole braveheart idea.

Yoda tells Luke, “Do, or do not.  There is no try.”  

Yoda was wrong.  In his effort to stop using “I tried” as an excuse for a half-hearted effort, Yoda may have ruined a generation who think they can go from fear and mediocrity to success and greatness without trying and the messy in-between part.  A generation that is misled to think that you either have it or your don't.

 To be successful in real life and not the movies, “try” and its companion risk of failure are real, demanding effort and courage.  Expecting success to come without the messiness of fears and possibility of failure isn’t real.  No one goes from “don’t do” to “do” without the courage to try, because “do” is not a gift or accomplished by a dream.  Waiting until you are sure you can “do” before trying keeps a lot of children in the bleachers and out of the game.  Waiting until you know you can "do" leaves out the value of growth and developing abilities.

Yoda promoted an unrealistic jump to achievement where the importance of trying is left out.  Many children don't succeed because they are stuck in bad spots where they don't try for different reasons.  Some have given up.  They feel like they can never make anyone happy, so why try?  Some have no purpose, they have found nothing outside themselves worth their energy.  Some don’t try because they think the fine life will be handed to them.  Others look around their small world and have no hope or think they have no ability.  It is a travesty for children to be stuck, without the courage to try.

But, our children don’t need to be stuck in a bad spot.  They can learn courage and be bravehearts.  And succeed. They can know you believe in them, that they are gifted, and that they have a great God they can trust. They can have courage to try, even if Yoda says there is no try.

I Believe in You

I believe in you.

I know these are living words that seep into your being.

I know they will give you courage because someone is for you.

I know all children need to feel that mom and dad believe in them.

I know how sad it is when you feel alone.

I believe in you.

Not because you are perfect, you are not.

Not because you will always love me back, you will not.

Not because you are better than someone else, you are not.

Not because you did something, it is a gift.

I believe in you.

"Come now, and I will send you to Pharaoh."  "But...who am I?" "I will be with you."

"I have appointed you a prophet." "I do not know how to speak and am a youth." "Do not be afraid."
"Do not look at his appearance...God sees not as man sees."  "The youngest is tending the sheep." "Send for him."
"Now God granted Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the commander."
"For I am the least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle because I persecuted the church."
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

I believe in  you.
Because you are mine, a trust God has placed in my hands for a time.
Because I am yours, I will be here for you and you can count on me.
Because you are gifted and called.
Because you are created for good works.
Because God loves you and gave His son for you.
Because I love you and nothing you can do will ever rattle my love, you are my child.

I believe in you.
I will do my best to be there for you.
I will do my best to hold you when you need held and let you go when you need wings.
I will do my best to tell you that you are a rebel, saved by grace.
I will do my best to tell you that you are saved by grace and gifted for a reason.
I will do my best to love you enough to discipline and to teach you eternity.

I believe in you.
You are God's child, prepared for good works.
Go and be.  I will be here to catch you.  I will be here to watch you fly.

Leading our Children through Fear

Sometimes it seems the hardest part of growing a braveheart is showing our children how to be brave and then giving them permission to use their courage when we can't protect them. Below is an excerpt from Donald Miller's recent blog, "Leaders Lead People Through Fear." Replace "leader" with "parent" (parents really are leaders, anyway) and get a sense of how we can lead our children through fear.

Here is the excerpt (with a link to the whole blog at the bottom):

Donald Miller

"I reminded my friend in an e-mail this morning that sometimes leading just means being out front, going to the places very few people are willing to go. But the cool thing about leaders is they show the rest of us that the path is scary but ultimately safe.

"As I e-mailed him, I thought about the few times I’ve gone through haunted houses with friends. For whatever reason, I sometimes feel like I need to be the guy out front. You know, the guy turning the corners first, feeling the walls, trying to find my way through the maze in the dark. But I assure you, I’m not feeling all that brave up there. I’m feeling terrified, to tell you the truth.

"Leading is like that sometimes. You’ve got a gaggle of screaming, giggling friends behind you, afraid of their demons, afraid of addressing their wounds, afraid of getting real about their coping mechanisms, and they’re looking for a shirt to cling to, somebody to bump into when the line suddenly stops because a guy just jumped out of a closet with a chain saw. They’re looking for somebody to scream with and to grab them and keep them from falling down. They’re looking for somebody to move them quickly through the room they’re in into the next room, the one that holds yet another challenge.

"To those of you who lead, I’ll tell you what I’m telling myself these days, and it’s the same thing I told my friend.

"The trick to leading a group through a haunted house is knowing the scary stuff can’t actually kill you. The management won’t let them.

"It’s the same with all the scary stuff we have to deal with, all the fear of abandonment and loneliness and wounds we have to address. They aren’t allowed to kill us. Sure we might feel some fear, and a lot of it. But in the end (even if it kills our earthly bodies) we don’t die. We just come through the other side with a knowledge we faced our fears, and we got out of that haunted house alive, our screaming and giggling friends in tow.

"If you’re a leader, just know you’re supposed to be a little afraid. And you’re supposed to be taking some people with you. And nobody can actually kill you in this thing. All they can do is yell boo. Be brave".

Click here for more of Donald Miller's blog.

The Help

Dana and I finally went to see "The Help" and I am so glad we did.  It is about being a braveheart, a compelling story of justice, truth, and courage.  And, the difference that one young person with courage can make.

Let me share two lists.  The first, observations and questions that grew from the film. And, second, how we can help our children pursue right and truth with courage.

Observations and questions:

1. The preacher in the film spoke about Moses and his lack of skill to be a world changer, being "slow of speech and slow of tongue."  But, that meant that it was more about God and His power.  Moses just had to have courage and agree.  Where do I hold back because I am not gifted, even though God is ready to use me?  And, it just takes courage?

2. Some of the whites were mean-spirited and intentional about hurting "the help."  Others knew the help were being hurt, but were passive and watched instead of preventing the injustice.  Who was more wrong?  Which am I? Where do I need courage to step up and protect those who can't?

3. Many of the whites who were "good" people ignored or didn't even notice the hurt in the lives of the help and their families.  This was especially clear in the ironic contrast between whites raising money for poor "African children" overseas but ignoring those in need a few blocks away.  What am I not noticing because it is such a part of our culture?  Where am I looking far away when real people hurt here?

4. While not quoting scripture in the film, those familiar with "the truth will make you free" from John 8:32, would have thought of that passage at the end of the movie when "truth" and "freedom" were discussed.  Where do I not speak the truth, even though I know it?  Truth gives freedom.  Freedom from lies, burdens, and sin. It is worth the price.

5. Speaking truth is in some ways the easiest and yet the hardest thing we can do.  It is easy because you don't have to work to make it up or keep working to cover it up, like a lie. It is hard because it is seldom said without impact on the hearer and the teller. It is hard because the truth teller often pays a price personally--some of the help lost their jobs and the book author needed to leave town.  But, truth tellers are the ones who change the world:  Joseph, Jeremiah, Jesus, Paul, Peter.  And many more.  Where can I be a truth teller?

6.  Personal experience with injustice inspires courage.  The author of the book in the movie was stirred through what happened to the lady who raised her and then the sad stories of others.  The "help" who told stories were motivated to help when they and friends were hurt.  Do I see and feel hurts around me that drive me to courage?  Am I looking?  If I had my Father's eyes, what would He be sad about in my world that I can help fix?

7.  The author of The Help, the book in the movie, had left the town for four years of college.  She came back with a different perspective that made her notice injustice and be willing to act, not just accept it.  Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from the intensity of day-to-day life to gain perspective on what is really happening.  How do we get a different look at our world?  Reading?  Spending time away?  Listening?

I am sure there are other observations and questions.  Those were the fresh ones, as we thought about the film.  And, as I began exploring what we can learn from the movie about building our own bravehearts.

Let's assume you want your child to be a braveheart, even knowing that the life of a braveheart is a life with danger. But, you also know that for your child to become all he or she can be, a life with courage is necessaary.  And, you are willing to let go and know that God loves your child more than you do.  If you want that life for him or her, here are a few suggestions inspired by the "The Help."

1. Support our children in their moments of helping make things right.  When one of my daughters was five, she was playing on a playground with her younger sister while we watched our son's soccer game.  We looked over and she was shoving a boy of about six to the ground.  While there were some feelings of being aghast, when we found out that the boy had been picking on her little sister and someone else, I was pretty proud.  There were others ways to deal with the problem, but I sure supported her desire to protect the weak.  She still protects the weak today. The mom of the braveheart author in the movie supported her daughter and showed pride in her impact.

2. Help our children gain a bigger perspective on life.  The braveheart author in the movie gained a different perspective from going to college out of the community.  It seems that often those most involved in injustice are stuck in a small world that they only see from their eyes and those around them. It seems that those who right wrongs have had their eyes opened with a different view.  Maybe not through living somewhere else, but travel, reading, education, visiting...learning to have a view of the world and people that isn't trapped by culture.

3. Help our children find and develop passions for important things.  Even three year olds can get excited to help Grandma or a sick neighbor.  As children see needs and have ideas, don't squelch them but help them go further.  When a middle school girl named Katie found out about congenital heart problems of children in Tibet, she found a way to save lives by creating a business making necklaces.  When some parents would have said, "You don't have time," her parents supported her, so much that Katie said, "It has changed our lives to change others. We have a passion to change the world."  Fanning sparks makes a difference.

4. Model the values of justice, truth telling, and courage.  I can't shake Micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God."  Do our children see us speaking the truth to make things right, in love, or avoiding truth telling for the sake of keeping the peace and avoiding conflict?  This is what the passive bystanders in the film did. Our children need for us to show them how we speak truth and do justice, even in small ways. They learn so much by watching us.

5. Give our children stories of courage.  The Bible is full of people who risked their life, through faith, to help redeem people and make things right.  Look for stories of people who took stands, spoke truth into lives, and refused to go along with the crowd when things weren't right. Read good literature to your children and talk about those heroes with courage.  Tell them about people who are truth tellers,even if they are not famous.  When we lived in Iowa, there was an older gentleman in church who a lot of people found intimidating because he spoke the truth, he wasn't afraid to ask hard questions and talk about the "elephant in the room."  It didn't make for gentle dinner conversations, but his courage changed me.  When one of the help stood her ground to tell the truth, others followed.  Her story changed them.

I am sure there are more.  While there is some rough language and intensity, "The Help" might even be one of those stories you can share with your older children by watching it together.  And use the questions above to talk about the film.

May God bless you as your have courage to raise your own braveheart.

"Six Skills You Can't Live Without"

"The real risk is not risking." 

Joe Robinson in "Six Skills You Can't Live Without" demonstrates the benefits of Braveheart ideas like risk taking, initiating, experiences, absorption...really, just living life fully and richly for which we are created. But a life too many hold back from.  Joe explains studies that show how the six actions listed below contribute to long life, healthy life, and a fulfilling life where success is much more than making money or succeeding in athletics, education, or beauty.

The article supports the need for building bravehearts.  It demonstrates the values of a broad education, confidence in entering life wholly, and becoming who and what you were meant to be.

While I agree with Joe about the value of the six skills, I don't agree that they are for "leisure" time, "life outside the professional world."  I think these skills should be lived in all of life, not accepting that our professional lives and non-professional lives are handled differently, but that both should be lived heartily with the same depth and excitement that these six skills bring.

Here is part of what Joe says.  As you read, you might think about how each of these six skills can be encouraged in your child's life.

"Passions and the active leisure skills that create them work wonders for your health and outlook because they satisfy core psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and connection with others. This makeover show happens where it matters, inside. Yet this power of this health resource doesn’t filter down to us because of the ingrained notion that recreation and leisure are little removed from outright vagrancy, since they don’t produce anything (unless you want to call living a productive endeavor)."

"We concentrate all our skill-building and education on the work side, where we believe all the value is. Work skills–getting results, micromanaging, staying in the comfort zone–get you nowhere when it comes to activating your life, which is about input, not output; experience over results; letting go; and getting out of the straitjacket of habit."

"It takes another skill-set to create a fulfilling life outside the professional world. Here are some of the key leisure skills that get your life going:

1) Intrinsic motivation. Pursuing and enjoying experiences off-the-clock takes a different motivation than the work reflex of external results: intrinsic motivation. You do it for the inherent interest, fun, learning, or challenge. Research shows we enjoy what we do and remember much more of it (critical to memory, which is what tells you that you like your life or not) when the goal is intrinsic. Expect no payoff, and you get a big one, internal gratification.

2) Initiating. Instead of being told what to do or watching others doing the living, we have to break out of spectator mode and self-determine our lives to feel gratified. We need to research and plan activities and vacations, seek out and try new things, invite others to get out and participate, and if they don’t reciprocate, go alone.

3) Risk-taking. The real risk is not risking. Security is a red flag for the brain, which is built to seek out novelty and challenge. Make the risk intrinsic (the result doesn’t matter), and you’re able to venture much more, because, instead of having anything on the line, you’re just exploring.

4) Pursuit of competence. Since competence is one of your core needs, it’s a handy thing to build and sublime to feel. The idea here is that you want to get better at something–not to show off, not for anyone else, but for your own gratification. Pursuing competence leads you to build your skills at an activity to the point where it can become a passion. It’s a fabulous self- and life-sustaining skill.

5) Attention-directing and absorption. The work mind wants to get everything over with ASAP. The key to optimal experiences is being 100% engaged in what you’re doing now. That means losing the electronic devices and distractions and putting all your concentration on the activity at hand. The more absorbed you are, the more your thoughts and deeds are the same, and the happier you are. It’s called harmony.

6) Going for the experience. Observation and hanging back don’t satisfy the engagement mandate of your brain neurons. To activate a fulfilling life, we have to participate in the 40% of our potential happiness (the rest is inherited or due to circumstance) we can actually do something about–intentional activities. That’s the realm of experience. Experiences make us happier than material things because they can’t be compared with anyone else’s experience. They don’t lose value through social comparison. They are personal events that engage our self-determination needs."

"These skills take us inside the participant dynamic essential to a healthy and extraordinary life. They show us that the good life comes from a place quite a bit different than the recliner and that the script of nonstop production is about as accurate a route to satisfaction and aliveness as a divining rod."

The above is excerpted from Six Skills You Can't Live Without by Joe Robinson in Don't Miss Your Life.

The Turtle and the Rabbit

You may be thinking this should be "The Tortoise and the Hare."  But, this is a different story.

Sometimes I see the strangest things on my walks in the woods.  Today's "Turtle and Rabbit" gives insight into teaching your children at different times in their lives.  Wisdom from a turtle and rabbit.

There is one spot on my walk where the woods open and there is brush on both sides of the four feet wide trail.  Often when I get about five or six steps from there, a rabbit hops across the trail in front of me.  I can't figure out why, unless it is safer on the other side and I am frightening.

Yesterday the rabbit hopped across.  But, right behind the rabbit was a baby bunny, following mom across the trail.

Learning by Following

This is so much like our children when they are young.  Unless we have done something to hurt them, they love to follow mom and dad and do the things they do.  They are growing and learning leaps and bounds (hops?) as they find joy and comfort in seeing where a parent goes and what a parent does.  It is the "I want to be like you, Dad" stage.  What power to teach by our lives.  What a responsibility.  What an opportunity.

I know you can get tired of being followed.  It goes fast.  Cherish it.  Invite them, engage them, let them do the things you do as much as you can.  And, show them your heart.  And, courage.

But, then we hit the turtle stage, usually around twelve, but it varies a lot.

I ran into a turtle on the same trail.  He looked at me as I approached.  As I took a wide loop around him, the shell stayed put, but the head and eyes watched me.  Guarded.  Your teens are watching you.  They may not be following like they did before, but they are moving their eyes and heads to see if what you believe and what you say are for real.  They may not move their shell, but know that you are impacting their hearts as they watch what you do.  Example is powerful at all ages.

Learn by Watching

I took a turn and moved closer to the turtle.  You know what he did.  When I got too close, his head went inside the shell.  On my return trip down the trail, he was gone.

Yep.  Teens often operate the same way.  However you can do it, keep your relationship open.  Instead of expecting them to follow you like the bunny did, find things they will do with you.  But, ever so gently.  If mom and dad get too close, pry too much, there is a tendency to retreat.   And, if you keep pushing, they will disappear for a while if they can.  Give them time and they will come out again when they feel it is safe.

A few years ago I asked ten parents who had great teens what they did.  Everyone said the same thing:  "we keep a bridge open," a relationship, no matter what.  It might mean not getting too close sometimes.  It might mean being careful to "pick your battles" and let some things go that really aren't that important.  But, whatever you do, keep a relationship active.

That's it.  The "Turtle and the Rabbit."  Teaching your children isn't too complicated, really.  Know what you believe and want.  Talk about it.  Be intentional but not smothering.  Know which stage your child is in. Take advantage of the rabbit years.  And, know how turtles operate.  Young ones learn by following and they all learn by watching.  Live what you want them to learn.

Why We Need Bravehearts

Let me confess my personal agenda behind Building Bravehearts.  I want to help equip and give courage to young people to make an impact for Christ in their world.  While success by anyone's definition is best achieved with courage, my agenda--or vision--certainly needs it.

I have two dreams that have haunted me.  Years ago, in the Chicago Tribune, I read a column by Bob Greene about 12 year old Liliana Ciprianu who was beaten to death by her step-father because he didn't like the way she dusted the house.  Apparently a bubbly, sweet girl. I still see her face with long dark hair. Greene wants to know who will come up with answers before another death happens.  He says, "The answers to all of this must be out there somewhere."  I dream that someone I know will find the answer for child abuse and unreached homes.

My other dream is global.  While I worked at Wheaton Academy, Chip Huber led a connection between our high school students and a community in Zambia.  We became immersed in the big picture needs of hunger, health care, water, and AIDS.  And, we saw ways to help solve those things locally.

Max Lucado in Live to Make a Difference (Thomas Nelson, 2010) says:
"The book of Acts announces, 'God is afoot!' "
"Is he still? we wonder.  Would God do with us what he did with his first followers?"
"Heaven knows we hope so.  One billion people are hungry, millions are trafficked in slavery, and pandemic diseases are gouging entire nations.  Each year nearly 2 million children are exploited in the global commercial sex trade.  Every five minutes, almost ninety children died of preventable diseases.  More than half of all Africans do not have access to modern health facilities.  And as a result, 10 million of them die each year from diarrhea, acute respiratory illness, malaria, and measles.  Many of those deaths could be prevented by one shot."

Lucado says that "God has given this generation, our generation, everything we need to alter the course of human suffering."  I believe him.

So, Bravehearts.  I work and write largely with fairly privileged Americans.  Anyone reading a blog has a computer and internet, thus resources well beyond most of the world.  I would love, through Bravehearts, to help every child make a difference in his or her world.  I would love for some to change the world.  We do have everything we need.

More often than anything else, a lack of courage holds us back from making a difference.  Fear kept Israel from the best God offered in the Promise Land.  Fear keeps all of us, at times, from stepping out in faith to do something special or unique.  We live in a world with fears, real and imagined.  Courage is needed.

In one of the few passages from the Bible to tell parents specifically what to do, Paul says in Colossians 3:21:  "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart."  Keeping heart is so important that God tells us to make sure our children don't lose it.  A child with a lost heart gives up and doesn't make a difference. 

But, a child with heart, a braveheart, will grow and become who and what God intended.  He will live out Ephesians 2:10:  "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." 

My two dreams are only two dreams. There is a world of other needs and dreams out there, down the street and around the world.  Wherever God leads a child, I hope that each is equipped and courageous to make a difference in ways that I can't begin to imagine.  I hope and pray each one is a braveheart ready for God's adventure and use.