The First Reason for Courage

Why have courage?

There are two reasons.

The first reason to be a braveheart is truth. Rock solid truth gives a reason to act with courage. If you
believe something is true and important, you can find a place for your feet and take a stand...or, take steps forward with confidence. Even steps into dangerous and uncomfortable places and situations.

Because you believe in something. Something that matters.

Truth is an accurate portrayal of reality. There is no such thing as "That is true to me, but not to you." It is either reality or it isn't, it is either true or it isn't. It may be honest to say, "This seems to be true to me, but you don't think so." That is perception, and perception is deeply influenced by culture, education, ability, and experiences. While there is only one reality, the way people see that reality can be unsteady. Which is the reason for education.

Education helps us make sure our children learn to see the world accurately, and then to act with courage in light of truth. This is what good education does: children learn to read and listen and watch, carefully and with discernment. For the sake of sorting out truth from lies. Developing skills to look at information and decide whether the information is true is a major, if not the major, reason for education. Figuring out: truth or lie?

Those decisions of truth or lie, in large and small, drive our actions. Is the advertisement true that the new car is worth the expense, or not? Is it true that the hamburger with cheese is better tasting than the one without? Are people valuable, or not? Our decisions of truth or lie determine our choices and actions.

For those who believe that the Bible is God's word and is accurate, solid truth about reality is available. Truths that give a child a reason to take a stand and to step out, even when risky. Eternal truths about God and man, about man's need, and God's answer. Eternal truths about the power of real love, hope for change and the future, and the strength of humility. And, so much more that helps children have a real, a true, understanding of life.

Truth isn't just philosophical, a propositional statement about life. It is also personal, developing and acting on an accurate and truthful view of self and those around. As Jesus says in John 8 in a fairly long discussion of truth and its value, "the truth will make you free." The more an accurate understand of reality is understood, in ideas and self, the freer we are to be something new and to walk with courage and grace in life.

How do we help our children learn to discern reality and the importance of truth?

First, make skills for discovering truth and a desire to seek truth at the top of our goals for our children, to give them the opportunity to be and do what they were created for, to walk through life with courage and impact. Don't settle for an education that doesn't care about truth and the skills needed to discover it.

Second, model a life of truth seeking and truth using. Do our children see us looking for what is true, what is reality in the big pictures of things and in our own lives? Do they see us acting on truth?

Third, make truth telling part of your child's whole day, every day. As Moses writes in Deuteronomy 6, teaching God's words throughout the day is vital. And, to be ready for teachable moments when your child asks what things mean (verse 20). How do you do this?

Satan is called the deceiver, the father of lies. He wants to teach children that there is no way to know truth and that whatever someone thinks is true is okay. If learning truth and using truth are not high on our agenda for our children, Satan wins, we lose. Children drift into the rubbery land of half-truth and "whatever someone thinks" and have no reason to have courage, to act with confidence and conviction. The belt of truth that Paul tells about in Ephesians 6 holds everything together in this battle with Satan.

Why have courage? The first reason is truth. Truth important enough to make stands and take steps in life.

Next time, the second reason for courage: love.

The Most Common Command

N. T. Wright, in Following Jesus, says this:

"As the college barman in my undergraduate days once said to me, 'The trouble is, everything Jesus is against-I like.' But this conception of God is in fact a lie. The resurrection of Jesus proves that it's a lie. Do you know what the most frequent command in the Bible turns out to be? What instruction, what order, is given, again and again, by God, by angels, by Jesus, by prophets and apostles? What do you think-'Be good'? 'Be holy, for I am holy'? Or, negatively, 'Don't sin'? 'Don't be immoral'? No. The most frequent command in the Bible is: 'Don't be afraid.' Don't be afraid. Fear not. Don't be afraid."

"Every one of us has something on her or his mind about which we badly need a voice to say: 'Don't be afraid. It's going to be all right.' As the Lord said to Lady Julian: 'All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.' Let's make no mistake about it: until you learn to live without fear you won't find it easy to follow Jesus."

We, and our children, won't find it easy to be and do what God has planned for us until we replace fear with heart. May we learn to trust. And, "All shall be well."

P.S. Thanks to Jim Wilhoit for leading me to this.

The Second Essential Question Needed for Courage: Is It Wise?

The Fuzzy

"Is it right?" was the first essential question needed for courage (See "Is It Right?").

But what happens when right is not clear?
Wisdom is needed.

Wisdom helps sort out the fuzzy. It gives confidence when knowing what to do isn't real clear. It can be figuring out if the idea is right. Or, deciding how an idea is applied to a life, how it is used. Wisdom is where truth bumps life.

Knowing that something is right gives confidence for courage. But, how can our children know if something is right and worth the risk, if it is not spelled out?

I had the audacity years ago to teach a class called "Knowing God's Will" in the Lay Institute of Dallas Seminary. I am still not sure why they let me do it, but I hope today that I at least caused no harm. I pointed the class to some ideas that I think are right. I have learned some things since then, too.

"Knowing Gods' Will"  gets down to using wisdom to decide if something is right or wrong to do. Lots of books have been written, you might go to some. But, below is a starter. These are things that a child should learn, to sort out life in the fuzzy times, to know when to step out in faith and with courage.

1. Pray. Maybe I should just stop there. James chapter one says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. The beginning point of wisdom is to put God in His place and understand life through His eyes.
2. Ask the Bible. Wisdom relies on truth, and particularly truth from the Creator. The Bible provides poignant truth for all people, about how life really works. Second step for wisdom is to see if the Bible speaks into the situation, either directly or indirectly.
3. Ask others. I am pretty confident that people have figured out whatever I am stuck on before. Ask a variety of people. Ask friends and family who love you and want your best. We can easily deceive ourselves; others help us see situations from different views and bring new and tested ideas.
4. Listen. Sometimes we don't understand and don't hear because we don't listen. Or, we are trying to listen where it is too noisy. Help your child find quiet and peaceful pockets in life so words can be heard and thoughts had. Scheduling every minute and filling the rest with screens and audio blocks truth and confuses thoughts. Outdoors seems to help, just playing or walking.
5. Know self. Help your child know his or her gifts and interests. Help your child try different parts of life to see how God made him or her. Discovering self happens best when fed with ideas and opportunities, used. Wisdom often results from following one's gifts and passions.
6. Pros and Cons. Sometimes just writing down the good and bad helps. Writing often brings clarity to thinking.
7. Feel freedom. If God is speaking and counsel is directing, feel confident to move that direction, with heart. But, a lack of being clearly told is not a reason to stand still; often the choice to move in faith is followed by understanding and affirmation. If there is nothing saying "don't," we should feel the freedom to do it. At least try.

The goal is to sort out fuzzy choices so your child can act with courage, not be afraid to try and move forward. The actions above may help. Practice helps. Wisdom is often an art more than a science, led by the Holy Spirit. Help your child to progressively practice using these tools, kind of like giving them paper and crayons. Then sharp scissors when they are ready!

Lord willing, it will be clear that the choice is the right one.

Then, the next question is: "Who should do it?"
Your child. Or someone else?

Helping a new person in school.
Giving money to missions.
Hugging a hurting friend.
Rescuing a dog from a fire.

All good. And right.
But, who should do it?

Courage not only comes from knowing it is right to do, but knowing you are the right person at that time.
How do you know? How does your child know he or she is the one, for that time and place?

Coming up: "Am I the one?"

The First Essential Question Needed for Courage: Is It Right?

Let me invite you to explore four essential questions that our children, and we, must answer to be a braveheart. Today, I will explore "Is it right?" and then catch the others in later posts. Here are the questions:
1. Is it right?
2. Is it wise?
3. Am I the one?
4. Do I trust?

With the right answer to these questions, courage happens, courage that makes a difference.

Question one: Is it right?

Are the words or the actions that are wanting courage "right" to do? And, let me add two other questions we could ask that might help in some situations: "Is it good?" or "Is it excellent?" Or, maybe you can think of other questions that would help decide if words or actions are important and hard enough to need courage. But, lets start with "Is it right?"

Knowing that something good and right needs done or said is the power behind courage, and prevents courage from slipping to foolishness. To have courage, a person must know a right or a good. A person without an understanding of right and good has no reason to be brave.

Trying to decide between right and wrong, or good and bad, can sound simplistic. Sometimes the distinction is simple and works well, but sometimes it doesn't.

For example, you can be sure that telling the truth and being kind are right. Rooted in the Bible and in most cultures, these are standards of right and wrong. If a person is being picked on, it is right to be kind to him. If the building inspector asks you if you are following code, the truthful answer is right.

Doing or saying the right thing can cost. Being kind to someone who is ostracized by the group can result in the group ostracizing the kind person. Telling the truth to a building inspector can result in more expensive work. But, they are right.

Not to become legalistic, but are we teaching children things that are cleanly right and good? Things that they will not doubt because they are taught in God's word and are common sense. And, how do we teach? It is best done by word and example. What do they know from you and me by what we teach and model, not "Do as I say and not as I do" but "Do as I say and do!" What is our source of rights and wrongs in life? What is our authority? And, what do we teach or model unintentionally?

Dana and I were just talking about some things we think our children learned from us, and some were not intentional. Between annual vacations and moving, they learned to have adventure and that moving is okay. They learned that they can live away from their parents, because we did. They learned to value books and reading: that one was intentional! What are your children learning is right and good from you?

Picking a right can get complicated. It is right to tell the truth, always. But, Paul says in Ephesians to "speak the truth in love." As in most decisions to act or speak, there is right. But, the right needs to be done in

love, for the best of the other person. The controller is love. That is clear. But, knowing what that means in any specific situation can be fuzzy. How much of the truth? Do you write a note, give a hug, or shake your finger?

Let's not get lost in the fuzzy. Fuzzy can often become an excuse to not do or say the right thing: "I don't know if this is right to say because I might hurt her, so I won't say anything." Fuzzy means be careful, not give up on doing right.

That is why we need wisdom. Wisdom sorts out the fuzzy. And, often points to the best way to act or speak.

A discussion on wisdom is coming. But, don't wait! Start now. Ask God. James 1:5 says: "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." That will hold you over!

All In for the Big Jump

A couple of years ago, Dana and I spent the weekend at a beautiful lodge in Mt. Magazine State Park.  Mt. Magazine is known for being the highest point in Arkansas, bears, butterflies, and hang gliding.  While we were there, I watched two hang gliders launch into a two-thousand feet drop and fly until they looked like small birds.

"Clark Kent"

The two men hang gliding were friendly, so I learned some things. I learned that people who hang glide are different. One was a mild-mannered Clark Kent type and the other a Mountain Man. Mountain Man came to the edge, went through his checklist quickly, ran a few steps, and jumped.  Clark Kent was methodical, carefully examining each strap and bar, and waiting for seven or eight minutes for the wind to blow straight into his launch.  He rode the updrafts a lot longer than Mountain Man.

I also learned how much they had prepared.  To do this somewhat difficult jump, you had to already have ten hours of flight time, which takes a lot of five and ten minute jumps. They learned to hang glide by running on flat land with no equipment.  Then running on flat land holding the metal brackets.  Then, with wings.  Then, they got a small rise to jump from.  Bigger and longer each time. They worked hard to prepare, to become strong.  One of the gliders said, "We really aren't afraid because of all of the preparation that got us ready."

When Joshua led Israel to claim the Promised Land, God told him three times to be "strong and courageous."  The generation before had not claimed the special place God had for them because of fear.  The spies of that generation had reported that the Land was special just as God had said.  But,there were big people there.  Their fear kept them from having the best God offered and this special place was given to someone else.  Joshua's conquest needed what the first generation lacked: strength and courage.

The hang gliders were strong, they had prepared well enough that they had confidence in their jump. It would still be dangerous, but they had the courage to come up to the edge and be all in because of their mental and physical strength developed through hours of practice and training.  The hard work of preparation, becoming strong, is a key to giving children courage.  Courage comes from knowing you are ready for the challenge.  Strength gives courage for the challenge.

How do we prepare our children?  Help them to increasingly understand that strength is up to them, not something you can do for them.  While a coach can set up a training plan for a player to lift weights, it is up to the player to lift and work.  Show children that the hard work of preparation pays off, whether in preparing for a test, an athletic contest, or a concert.  Give them small experiences as they are young and larger jumps as they get older, just like the preparation for the hand gliders.  Show them hard work in your life.  Don't help them look for shortcuts or complain that teachers are too hard on them. Support them, but let them see what preparation feels like and how it pays off.

Help them think about the importance of becoming strong in a variety of areas.  The things that schools traditionally do--like reading, writing, speaking, and reasoning--prepare children for many of the challenges they face in our culture; if they feel strong in these, they will have courage to enter the work force, pursue other training, and engage with people.

But, don't stop there.  Try these.
* Social skills and strength in getting along with people. How can they prepare for working with others?
* Emotional strength: are they comfortable with themselves. How can you help them see themselves rightly?
* Physical health keeps a child and adult able to face challenges of all sorts.
* Spiritual strength:  A right relationship with God helps children know why they are here and gives purpose and courage.

As you pray and look at your child, periodically evaluate strengths and areas that could use attention.  Encourage them with comments about their strengths.  And, normally for areas that need growth, it is better to not tell them (that is discouraging) but sneakily plan and help growth. (For example, if a child is not physically strong, maybe Dad starts biking with her, making it a fun time with Dad instead of a remedial training experience--look for positive, relational ways to strengthen weak areas.)

And, one more area of strength that is of particular importance to courage:  strength of character. Todd Beamer, the 9/11 hero who helped overcome the hijackers of United Airlines Flight 93 before it could reach its target, was "known for his strength of character and leadership in everything he did" (excerpted from the Wheaton Academy Connection).  Todd was the one who said, "Are you guys ready?  Let's roll."  Todd's strength of character, his hard work, and his "rare ability to subjugate his own benefit for that of the team" prepared Todd for his unexpected need for courage.  (For an example of strength and courage, you can read Todd's story to your older children in Let's Roll by his wife, Lisa.)

As we help our children gain strength so they are ready for their call, let's praise them for hard work and character, things that won't fade.  Let's help them see the benefits of preparation by connecting their work with success.  Let's think about their areas of strength and weakness and find subversive and pleasant ways to build their weaknesses in their spiritual, social, physical, and emotional growth. 

Let's help them build strength of character that is ready for the unexpected, so they can answer God's call to what He has planned for them, ready to be all in like the hang gliders.  There is nothing more beautiful than a life lived faith to faith, rich and abundant, with strength and courage to jump and enjoy the flight.

(If you would like to see the beauty of what happens after the jump, click here:Airtime at Mt. Magazine. While you are watching, maybe you can ask yourself if God is trying to get you to "be all in" and jump toward something important and beautiful, has He prepared you and now you are at the edge while He is talking to you or giving you a push?)

A Life Well Lived

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, the evening after our high school baseball team lost in the state finals.

Tomorrow there will be an article in the newspaper about our boy's baseball team losing the state championship. Actually, it will be about the other team winning. But, our team's name will be prominent and the fact that we came in second.

This won't feel good. While a great season, best ever, having the community know you didn't win makes losing feel worse.  We will say great things about our guys, they deserve to hear those things, especially since they had won the first two outings with the championship team.  But, anyone who reads the sports will know who won the big game.

Garrett pitching

This is what happens when you are a braveheart, when you have courage and strength to make a run for something great and special. You may win. But, you may also lose. And, people will know.

Very few notice the last loss of the season for the teams who don't make the playoffs. Their losses won't be well known. It is only when you really go for something big that you run the risk of not only failing, but a lot of people knowing.

But, the alternative is to not even get there, whatever the dream or goal might be.

There is risk when you have courage. Otherwise, it isn't courage. Risk means you can lose, you can fail, you can get hurt. The bigger the goal, the more likely a lot of people know. The bigger the goal, the more likely you fail.

But, sometimes you make it. And, certainly, if you don't try and don't aim big, nothing happens. You are simply a fan of someone else trying.

I was challenged by a friend recently who had worked really hard to accomplish a big goal, with strength and courage. A goal he did not achieve.  He said, "But you talk about having courage." He thought that having courage and working hard would result in a big success.

I do believe in courage. I believe that being a braveheart is the way to become the person God intended, to use the gifts we have, to make a difference. It takes courage.

But, you can fail. There is risk.

"The knew they were alive."

Make sure the goal is worth the risk. Then go for it, with God's help. You might win. You might not. But, you will know you have lived. You have entered into something that many people don't, a life well lived. If the dream is big enough and important enough, whatever you give is worth it. Our children need to know that failing is part of a life well lived, a life intent on something bigger than ourselves.

After watching a hurtful loss by his daughter's basketball team in the Illinois high school state tournament,Wheaton College Men's Basketball Coach, Bill Harris, simply said to the other parents,"They knew they were alive."

When you have courage to play for the top, with courage and strength, win or lose, you know you are alive.

It is worth it. For us. For our children. To know they have lived, and lived well.

Fifth Grade Fears

Bigger fears for children or parents?

It was around fifth grade that Donald Crank and I began making Creepy Crawlers. We took advantage of the creeping fears that are pretty common around fifth grade, especially with girls who didn't like finding plastic snakes in their seats!

What we didn't know was that fears were often greater for our parents than the ones we had.

Beginning somewhere near fifth grade, adolescence starts interfering with the good thing parents have going. Children start changing, getting ready to move into adulthood. They want new situations and new people. We don't have the control we had and simplicity of life is swallowed up with increasing change. Sometimes we just want to stop it, to keep our children the way they are.

Can you relate to Mary's comments when Jesus was twelve? "Son, why have you treated us this way? Your father and I have been anxiously looking for you." If Mary was anxious about Jesus, maybe there is something to our concerns.

The problem is that our fears untamed hurt our children.

Two things can happen if our fears drive us to keep our children close and protected when they are ready to move out of our eyesight and beyond our reach.

Somehow we made it!

First, our fears can teach our children to be afraid."If mom is so afraid to let me walk through Target alone or spend the night at a friends, maybe I should be afraid, too." A child who learns to be afraid of normal life in early adolescence will have a hard time facing more life when it comes. And, it will come.

Second, children held too tightly can rebel. We might hold them tight for a while, but some will have a hard time containing their growth if we don't give them room. Our fears can drive our children away, physically or emotionally. If we hold them too tight for too long, they will lose respect and look for wisdom about life from someone else.

Now you might be really scared! But, relax. Millions and millions of parents have helped their adolescents make it and have turned their own fears into convictions to help their children enter adolescence in healthier ways.

If you are afraid, I hope you can settle your fears with faith, knowledge, and a plan. But, while ending fear, you still should not let go of the need to wisely navigate your child through adolescence. As you probably already feel, it is the wrong time to just give children total freedom, especially in a culture that creeps into places that used to be safe and invades the sanctuary of home.There is no magic switch when a child is ready to be on their own, not in fifth grade, not starting high school, and not at sixteen. They need you, not to be afraid, but to wisely guide and and prepare them for bigger slices of life on their own, until they are ready to go.

After Mary told twelve-year-old Jesus her anxiety, Jesus came with Joseph and Mary and "continued in subjection to them." And, "Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men."

Notice that Jesus did it, not Mary. She couldn't. And shouldn't. Jesus kept increasing in responsibility after twelve years old. The same should happen today. Children should increase in their responsibility for their minds, their bodies, their relationship with God, and their relationships with others. Parents should decrease, still with a watchful and wise eye to guide and teach, but not control and do.

How do we do that? How do you help children increase in their responsibility, without fears stopping you?

Let me suggest these, as a beginning:

1. Know you are in the business of risk management, not reaction to emotions. Check out "Managing Risk for Life's Adventures," a post from March 28, 2011. Wisely assessing and planning for risk will help you turn fears into positive actions.

Bigger boxes of life.

2. Know your goal and build toward it. I am sure your goal is to help your children become men and women, not stay children. What sort of men and women? I hope pleasing to God and using the gifts God has given them. With courage. Keep working on how to give your children "bigger boxes" of life. Teach them, then let them try. Review what happened, and do it again with a bigger box, with more freedom and responsibility.

3. Learn about adolescence. For example, I stumbled on this quote from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: "Adolescents take risks to test and define themselves. Risk-taking is both beneficial and harmful. It can lead to situations where new skills are learned and new experiences can prepare them for future challenges. Risk-taking serves as a means for discovery about oneself, others and the larger world. The natural and normative proclivity for risk-taking plays a central role in adolescent development, making it a time of both great potential and great vulnerability." This is a good article using brain research.

4. Give them a safety net. Let your children do normal things, but prepare them for problems. Talk about what happens if they are at some one's house and things go bad; give them a code word so they can secretly call for rescue.  And, let them use you as the bad guy, "My dad said I need to come home." Talk through the situation they are getting ready to do, practice the words they may need to say, and review the options for help. Then let go.

5. Work on your faith. Risk is real in growing. There is danger. But, we have a great God who is sovereign and loves your child more than you do. Hard things are how we grow. Help your child have slices of life that are increasingly large and hard, as your care shifts from protection to prayer.

Between Mary's anxious moment and Jesus becoming a man, she "treasured all these things in her heart." May you learn to treasure the moments between twelve and launching instead of being blinded by fears. You will have a treasure chest full of memories to enjoy for years,when the time comes for your child to leave.

Getting Back On

If you fall off a horse, you are supposed to get right back on.

I didn't fall off. But, I dismounted from writing Bravehearts and haven't been back on for almost three months. My main ministry work has been deep and wide, so I have been riding that horse more than normal.

I tried to get back on this one after three or four weeks and failed. I had ideas. But, I didn't think they were good enough. And, the longer I was off, the better I thought I had to be. The harder it got to get back on.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell you that. And, to get back on this horse. Braveheart, the courage to try, is too important to not get back. Parents are told to not let their children lose heart in Colossians 3:21. A child who has lost heart gives up and doesn't try. That child never develops the gifts God has given him or her. Every child should have the opportunity to become and do what God offers. A brave heart to try makes the difference.

I learned some braveheart lessons about getting back on the horse. Maybe they will help:

First, it is true. If you fall off, get back on as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it gets and the more courage it takes. Doing good things, like kindness to a lonely person, hard school work, and training for athletics all become harder the longer you are away. If something interrupts doing good and right things, help your child get back to it as quickly as possible.

Second, the longer it takes, the more doubts you have. You begin to wonder if it was worth it. You begin to wonder if the hole got too big to fill. You begin to wonder what people will think. The longer you wait, the more courage it takes to come back, to overcome doubts and weaknesses that have crept in. Help your child talk about the doubts and don't let doubts determine the future. Help him or her know that coming back is a big part of a successful life. Help your child make a plan with manageable steps. Give hope.

Third, pick the right horse. Some horses might not be worth getting back on. Or, not a good fit. But, if it is the right horse or activity or relationship, it is worth whatever it takes to get back. Help your child know what is important and good, and ride those horses, even if he or she falls off sometimes. A conversation yesterday with a reader of Building Bravehearts helped me remember the value. Passion for the right things gives courage to try. It helped me.

May God help you raise a child who has the courage to try, to use and become what God has offered.

Leaping Faith

Courage and faith are inextricably linked. They are tangled together.

What are we trusting for our courage?

Courage is faith in action. 
Faith fuels courage.

Courage needs a leap of faith.
Leaping faith becomes courage.

When was the last time you needed courage? I bet it was a time when you didn't know how things would turn out. Or, you knew your next step could hurt you or make life harder in some way.

There was risk. There always is, or there would be no need for courage. If all of the details are planned so that the results turn out just the way you want, there is no reason for courage. No reason for faith.

Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we have control of our lives and our children's lives, that we can put all of the details together like an algebraic equation and get the right answer every time. We might pull this off occasionally, or think we did. But, in a messy world with people the way they are (including us!) and powers we cannot see, a contained system that works the way we plan isn't real. We need courage. We need faith.

To help our children face the world, to enter into relationships and experiences that are rich and real and growing, they will need faith. They will need to trust. Trying out for a team, starting a new school year, asking a friend over, standing against evil...the list goes on and on. Each of these can be frightening and each is risky. Each requires faith to step or leap to the next spot.

Faith, belief, trust...they need an object, something in which they believe. A key role in parenting is to show and teach children how to trust and in what to trust. Courage to try, courage to risk, flow from a strong faith.

We can teach our children to have faith in a lot of things:

We could teach our children to put their faith in money or plans or bad advice, intentionally or without thinking. Fleeting objects of faith at best.

They can learn to trust us--catch them when they jump in your arms! Then when we tell them what they should do that is hard, they know they can count on us, at least as far as humanly possible.

The can have faith in an idea that touches lives, like democracy, and sacrifice time and life with courage.

They can believe that a risky action is worth the consequences for something they value, like an adventure trip or protecting their family.

They can have faith in the living God, who loves them, is powerful, and who rescues them and fits all things together for good for those who love Him. The ultimate object of faith.

What little steps of faith are you teaching them, so they can have bigger ones? Which objects of faith are they learning from us so they can have the faith to be courageous for important things?

Courage for the Dark Trail

Did you know that a rabbit's eyes are red when a light shines on them in the dark? But, a deer's eyes are bright green? At least I hope it was a rabbit and deer in the woods while I was walking not long ago!

My new headlamp let me walk in the deep dark. On the trail where I have walked a thousand times. But which looks very different at 6:00 in the morning in October. Things I have never seen or felt before and a lot of things I could not see, like eyes without bodies and whatever else might be standing inches from me. Elevated senses and jabs of fear were new, in the dark.

My headlamp gave me courage to walk boldly forward.

It took some adjusting. How far out should it shine? At my feet, a couple of car lengths, or as far as it could reach?

I found that a couple of car lengths was about right. Enough light to place my feet. Enough to feel secure that I wasn't sharing the trail or its proximity with a monster ready to pounce. And, if I set the light too far, I didn't get enough light up close to see small items like snakes, turtles, and rocks. Not pleasant to step on those.

Two car lengths of light let me have the courage to move boldly and quickly, confident in my safety and free from danger in my steps.

We can give our children courage by helping them see some things, helping them look far enough ahead that they have confidence in the next steps. Looking ahead with them and planning is like a light on the trail, they can put down their feet and anticipate the near future. Young children can learn to think through the next few minutes, elementary to talk about what is going to happen today or this week in school or with family, and teenagers can look even further, thinking of months and years. Most children crave knowing what lies ahead, as do adults, so they can prepare mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is frightening to go into an hour or a day or a year and see nothing except red and green eyes shining out of the darkness. Help them see and plan, within our human limitations. Sit down with them and talk about today, or look at a calendar together. Or a road map on a trip. Help them prepare so they have courage and can do their best.

Obviously, our headlamps only shine so far and don't show everything that might jump in front of us. Learning to know that God is in control gives courage when things change and to walk past the limits of our eyes. Proverb 16:9 reminds us that "the mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Learning to look ahead is an important courage-giving skill for children, but an even greater life changer is that God is in control, even of our plans. I am so glad of that!

As we help our children look ahead, and trust God, let's not forget to use God's "headlamp." Psalm 119:105 says: "They word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path." As we understand His word, we see our path more clearly than anything we can create. He gives light and lights our path, step by step.

Take aways?
1. Help our children look ahead so they aren't afraid of the eyes glowing out of the dark. Help them prepare and plan, an important skill for giving courage to take the next step.
2. Know God is in control. Things will change, but He is never surprised and He takes care of His children.
3. Use God's word to light your path and your child's path, a lamp they can always depend on.

The courage to try depends on these.

What a Child Needs

Protection, Relationship, Discipline, and Failure

I am not sure if we have a good understanding of what a child needs.

Or, if we really know and it's just hard to deliver.

I think we know. I think it is hard to deliver.

In his excellent 2012 book, How Children Succeed, Paul Tough does a good job summarizing what a child needs by applying research results to his son:

"First, as much as possible, you protect him from serious trauma and chronic stress; then, even more important, you provide him with a secure, nurturing relationship with at least one parent, and ideally two. That's not the whole secret to success, but it is a big, big part of it."

Let's stop there. I understand this, but how do I do it?

What creates trauma and chronic stress in homes? Not war, right now. Family dysfunction? Mom and dad at odds? Constant pressure to perform? Chronic stress is not only a killer of physical health, but thwarts a child's success. Some things we can't control, like health loss. But what can we control to prevent chronic stress? Certainly our own emotions, with God's help. What else?

And, even more, a secure, nurturing relationship with a parent, ideally two. Are we too distracted to make sure each child has a secure relationship? Are we too unsettled ourselves to provide a secure relationship? Can we give up our own interests enough to take the time to build a real relationship with each child? It costs. It is worth it. And, it is a pleasure, which only gets better over years.

Tough goes on with the third and fourth:

"He also needed discipline, rules, limits; someone to say no." It is hard work to consistently discipline. Our job isn't to make our children happy or be their friend, but to make them great people. Loving, consistent discipline now makes the future easier and allows for positive, joyful relationships as time goes by.

Last: "And what he needed more than anything was some child-size adversity, a chance to fall down and get back up on his own, without help."

A braveheart!

For some reason, this might be the hardest for many of us. Tough thinks so:

"This was harder for Paula and me--it came less naturally to us than the hugging and comforting--and I know that it is just the beginning of the long struggle we face, as all parents do, between our urge to provide everything for our children, to protect him from all harm, and our knowledge that if we really want him to succeed, we need to first let him fail. Or more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure. This idea--the importance of learning how to deal with and learn from your own failures--is a common thread in many chapters of this book."

1. Protect from trauma and chronic stress.
2. Give a secure relationship with a parent.
3. Discipline, rules, limits, "no."
4. Let him fail and learn to manage failure.

Which is hardest for you?
I do think we know the basics.
I think they are hard to deliver, day after day, year after year.
All through childhood, adolosence, and teen years.
It is only by God's grace and power that we do these.

A beginning point is to know the list. And, to know that, for our children to succeed, we may need to change ourselves and some things in our lives.

It is hard work.
It pays off.
It is worth it.

Courage, the Most Important Virtue

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality."  C.S. Lewis in Screwtape Letters

A few weeks ago, John Stonestreet (of the Chuck Colson Center and Summit Ministries) shared with our faculty. As John helped us better understand biblical worldview, he landed on the importance of courage in the lives of our children.

Here are a few of Stonestreet's comments:
* Being human means to be courageous, not just know truth but courageous to use it.
* To raise children to make right decisions and not just know the truth requires courage; "It is by his deeds that a lad makes himself known if his conduct is pure and right" (Proverbs 20:11).
* In the classic virtues, courage allowed the others to exist.
* Children want to be courageous and we offer them video games.
* A biblical worldview makes a right decision when in a tough spot, which takes courage.
* A biblical worldview is not just thought out but is lived out.
* A biblical worldview is not primarily expressed but embodied.

Stonestreet said that, "Dreams do not determine destiny; decisions determine destiny." It is courage that moves dreams and beliefs to decisions and action.

Reepicheep helps Eustace learn courage.

How do we create courage?  

Stonestreet suggests:
* Be aware that everything we do is forming children's souls; all education is worldview shaping.
* Teach habits. He quotes Aristotle: "So it is a matter of no little importance what sort of habits we form from the earliest age--it makes a vast difference, or rather all the difference in the world."
* Shift from entitlement to responsibility.
* Teach children to leave things better than they found them.
* Give children words to use in tough moments.

From the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, John explained how we can create courage in our children. In Dawn Treader, Eustace is a boy with no "chest," a boy who has not trained his emotions and is a victim of his feelings. He knows about ships but has never been on one.  He has never been taught about dragons!

Stonestreet says that children should know two things about dragons:
1. They exist.
2. They can be beaten.

In Dawn Treader, help comes from an unlikely source. Reepicheep, the mouse, has courage. He mentors Eustace. He helps Eustace by stripping away the dragon flesh and shows that Eustace has grown a chest.We need to mentor our children to defeat dragons. And, celebrate their courage.

Stonestreet says that our children must:
1. Know what is true and good (not just right from wrong).
2. Practice what is true and good (weight lifters don't get strong without the practice of lifting weights).
3. Learn and practice repentance, a way to actively follow Jesus with courage instead of being passive.

John Stonestreet

We need to teach our children how to defeat dragons. We need to put them on boats and teach courage so they can put ideas into action.

Thanks to John Stonestreet for his thoughts.

John suggested these sites to help us:
Center for Parent/Youth Understanding
Summit Ministries
Breakpoint

Friday Night Lights

It's football season.

Friday night lights.

What do you do when your game is away and you are a 35 point underdog?

When your opponent is intimidating?

When every player on the other team is stronger and faster?

You play the game.

You keep your head up.

You do what is right in the right way.

You help your opponent get up when he is on the ground.

You know that the scoreboard doesn't show all the ways to lose and win.

Courage makes it possible to go through a game you are likely to lose. And, to go through it well.

It takes more courage to do what is right and do it the right way when the foe is dangerous.

It takes courage to let God walk you through it and  to give the results to Him.

Courage comes from seeing more than the scoreboard and listening to voices other than those against you.

It comes from seeing the unseen, from knowing there is more to life than the game we see and its score.

The writer of Hebrews tells about some game winners in chapter eleven, "And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets--who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promised, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight."

But, he also tells about those who lost in this world: "Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated--of whom the world was not worthy--wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth."

Whether they won on the scoreboard we can see or not, here is what they knew: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation."

"And, without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

Knowing that God rewards and gives commendation because of faith gives our children the courage to play the ugly game.

Keeping the long term perspective, knowing that doing the right things the right way is more important than the score you can see, our children can face monsters. Keeping their heads up. Showing God's grace and strength in life, no matter what the crowd does or the scoreboard says. Becoming winners for eternity with God's pleasure.

Sometimes there are only two options: run away or face monsters. If we run, we never win, on the scoreboard or for eternity. If we face monsters, sometimes we defeat them, sometimes we don't. But, we always win God's good pleasure when we do the right things, the right way, by faith.

"Escaping the Rat Race"

Courtney in "Escaping the Rat Race" (found at Women Living Well) quotes Francis Chan: "Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."

As we build our own bravehearts who have the courage to face fears such as the fear of failure, it is probably good to know that instilling some fears is healthy: fear to cross a busy road and fear to drive while texting are healthy fears.

Chan and Courtney uncover another fear we should help our children have.


The fear of living a busy life that misses what is really important.


Here are some of Courtney's words:


"So often we fear failure. We fear that our children won’t make the ball team or get good enough grades.  We fear wrinkles, grey hairs or missing out on the latest and greatest new gadget for our kids. But do we ever fear being successful at things that – at the end of the day when we stand before God’s throne –  don’t really matter at all?"


"Today I had big plans for our day – it was supposed to be a family day (daddy was off work) and my daughter got a belly ache right in the middle of the day and messed up all of our fun plans.  I was on a mission to make a great day for the kids –  but all she really needed was a mama who loved her and cared about her belly.  My plans faded into the distance – and I was the one disappointed – cause this mama gets sucked into the rat race sometimes!  What mattered to her was not the long list of plans I had but that her mommy would sit quietly on her bed rubbing her hair while she cried.  And this forced pause in our day – reminded me of what really matters in life."


Remember Martha and Mary.  Martha was so busy, serving, that Jesus told her:  "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things, but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  Mary was sitting, listening to Jesus.

What really matters?


Let's help our children know what is important.
And, fear a life consumed by the trivial and busy.

Tired of Parenting?

You read books about parenting. You listen to sermons. You read the Bible. You get advice from friends. You talk to teachers, youth pastors, and family.  You even read blogs, like this one.

You go to bed late, finishing the dishes after the kids are in bed. You get up. You hurry.  You drive. You pray. You worry.  You pack and unpack. You go to games and lessons and classes. You help with homework. You cook, eat, clean.  You go to work. You go to church. You make Christmas and birthdays happen. You drive some more. You tuck in little ones and you talk late to teens. You read to them and hold them. You tell them it hurts you more than them, and it is true.

All because you are committed to being the best parent you can be.

All because you want your children to grow well.

Sometimes it seems like there is so much to learn and so much to do.  To do it right.

Fred Rogers said that "life is simple and deep, but we have made it complicated and shallow." This is true for parenting. There is no long list for doing it right. What are the simple and deep things, that bring joy and freedom and refreshment in parenting?  Here are three suggestions:

1. God causes the growth, not you or me. Paul said, "I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth. So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God causes the growth." Even as parents, we are planters and waterers in the lives of our children.  We can't make them grow.  God does that.  And, He cares more about them than we do. We can't hurry growth or demand it.  Let go of this burden.  It is God's part.

2. Trust God. Philippians 4:6 and 7 say, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I love what comes right before this in verse 5:  "The Lord is near."  Be at peace.  He is right here taking care of you and your children.  He knows, He cares, and He is strong. He is near.

3. Keep it simple. Love God. Love people. Love them unconditionally; there is no cost or burden or list of activities to do that. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." "Bring them up" requires being there and knowing them and caring, very relational, love. Teach and talk and hold them for Him. Let them know you care about them and care about Jesus. They will forgive your mistakes if they know you care. Just be there. Most other things don't really matter so much.

We can get lost in good advice and good things to do. And, get tired.

So much really isn't important.

If you get tired, consider what is important.  Consider what you can do and can't do. Consider God's grace and deep love for you and your children. Let Him love them and you. Let Him work.

May God carry you along and take away the burdens you don't need to carry.  May you be able to freshly love.  And, be loved.

You are in good hands.
Relax.
Peace.

And, maybe you have other ideas that will help, that you can share below.

"The Go-Nowhere Generation"

In a New York Times article, "The Go-Nowhere Generation," Todd Bucholz and Victoria Bucholz describe a situation addressed in "Out of Sight." The Times article gives compelling reasons to make sure our children have the courage to try. The entire NYT article from March 10 can be found at "The Go-Nowhere Generation." 

Here is the beginning of "The Go-Nowhere Generation."

"Americans are supposed to be mobile and even pushy. Saul Bellow’s Augie March declares, 'I am an American ... first to knock, first admitted.' In 'The Grapes of Wrath,' young Tom Joad loads up his jalopy with pork snacks and relatives, and the family flees the Oklahoma dust bowl for sun-kissed California. Along the way, Granma dies, but the Joads keep going."

"But sometime in the past 30 years, someone has hit the brakes and Americans — particularly young Americans — have become risk-averse and sedentary. The timing is terrible. With an 8.3 percent unemployment rate and a foreclosure rate that would grab the attention of the Joads, young Americans are less inclined to pack up and move to sunnier economic climes."

"The likelihood of 20-somethings moving to another state has dropped well over 40 percent since the 1980s, according to calculations based on Census Bureau data. The stuck-at-home mentality hits college-educated Americans as well as those without high school degrees. According to the Pew Research Center, the proportion of young adults living at home nearly doubled between 1980 and 2008, before the Great Recession hit. Even bicycle sales are lower now than they were in 2000. Today’s generation is literally going nowhere. This is the Occupy movement we should really be worried about."

Young people (or anyone!) who are "risk-averse and sedentary" will not grow, use their gifts, or fulfill the best God has for them.

"The Go-Nowhere Generation" ends by saying that we must do "whatever it takes to get our kids back on the road."  They are right.

While home should be a secure place and maybe a retreat, it should give courage to launch, not stay.  How do we make home comfortable and safe, but at the same time make sure our children have the courage to leave, grow, and make a difference?

Out of Sight

Sarah is in Israel for the summer, interning at Nazareth Village.

Nazareth Village (http://nazarethvillage.com/home.php)

Dana and I noticed an interesting phenomena. The further Sarah got from home, the less we worried. Now, don't get me wrong, we still care. But, we have peace knowing the family she is living with, that good plans have been made, and that she is with two great friends.  And, we pray, get emails, and expect to Skype some.

We have found that we get more worried about our children driving from our home to the grocery than we do when they are in other countries. When they get in the car here, we want so much to say "Go slow," "There are crazy drivers," or what has become a standard line that expresses our angst, "Be careful, it is slippery out there." Said even in dry weather.

It seems that one of the best steps we can take to help our older children be bravehearts is to get them out of our sight.

That doesn't mean that we don't love them and care and want them to be safe and succeed. It means that there comes a time when some distance helps them know we trust them, that they are capable, and that what happens depends on their choices.

Courage does not happen when we are comfortable. Without taking risks that need courage, growth slows and impact is hindered.

Jesus found difficulty in being accepted in his hometown and said "A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household."  There is something about making a difference that does not happen as well close to home.  It is hard for family to let go of the past and, perhaps, their continued desire to care and worry. When in the close circle of being known, we often have a hard time being free to become a person who is using gifts and opportunities boldly.

How do we help growing and older children to get out sight so they can boldly use their gifts with courage?
And, hopefully we can relax more! Here are three ideas:

1. As they grow, increasingly give them times when you are not there to watch and intervene.  If separation anxiety exists, make sure it isn't yours! Drop them off and go.Don't watch recess from behind a tree or soccer practice from the bleachers. Let them grow and learn to trust God without you, in progressively larger steps.
2. Keep building your own life. God is God, children aren't gods to absorb all of our attention. Build memories with your spouse. Find expanding ways to use your time for others as your children grow. Develop your own gifts and impact so that you can let go and they know you have a life without them. Help them learn they aren't the center of the world and that you won't always rescue them, even though you care deeply.
3. Help children learn to manage risk and approve their plans, asking all of the questions you need to ask. Our son, Luke, and friends wanted to go to Florida for spring break during their senior year of high school. We said no. Until they developed a plan to be on the west coast, away from some big beaches. And, to stay with the grandmother of one of the young men!

I won't say that we haven't been watching the weather in Israel and reading maps and books about the area now. We have. And, we love getting email updates. But, I don't worry about the detail, partly because I don't know them. That isn't bad. That is healthy.

Sometimes helping children be brave is harder on parents than on the child. Maybe it will help to get them out of sight a bit, we can learn to trust better and they can grow.

God bless you in this hard parenting work!

Top Ten Braveheart Builders

Here is a quick list of ideas that can help you give your child the courage to try, so he or she can be the person and live the life God planned. They are explored with more detail in older posts.

1. Discover passion.  Passion, especially from being "called" or doing right, trumps everything.

2. Develop strength.  Strength of mind, soul, and body gives confidence, be "strong and courageous."

3. Past experiences.  David beat Goliath partly because David had already conquered a lion and bear.

5. Find fit.  Matching gifts and abilities with the task gives courage.

6. Growth mindset.  See everything as a way to grow so that fear of failure goes away.

7. Model courage. There is nothing more powerful in teaching children than to see it in the lives of parents.

8. Manage risk. Anything important has risk, so learn to manage it instead of waiting to get rid of it.

9. Live life. Life is meant to be lived abundantly and with purpose, how sad to watch others live it.

10. Trust God. Faith in the Living God allows men and women to overcome fears and make a difference.

And there may be others.  What comes to your mind?

My Missing Prayer

When I pray for my children, I almost always ask God to keep them under His wings, to guard and keep them from difficulties. My real hope is that they won't have trials and attacks to face, that God will give them an easy road.

I am afraid to say what I should be praying for, because it means that my prayers may be wrong, at least in part.

I think I should be praying a lot more for my children to have the ability to face trials and attacks instead of not having problems.  I don't like that idea, because I don't want my children to have a hard time.  But, it might be what is best for them.

Let me give a few ideas from the Bible that show I may have been praying too much for an absence of difficulty and not enough for the ability to deal with them.

* From the writer of Hebrews:  "For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (12:1-3, and read chapter 11 about heroes facing trials).

* From Peter:  "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." (1:6-9).

* From James:  "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" 1:2-4).

* From Paul:  "Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:35 and 37, but read 8:18 through the end of chapter 8).

* From Jesus:  "In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33, but read chapters 14-17).

* Moses,to Joshua, as he led Israel to take the Promised Land, "Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1).  He doesn't pray for no enemies but to conquer them!

In none of these is the prayer to get rid of trials and foes.  It is to endure, to trust, to be strong, to be courageous, to know that God is with you.

In all of these there are huge benefits to going through trials, for the person and for God's program and glory.

But, what about God's wings?
I got my idea of praying for my children to be protected by God's wings from Psalm 91:4:  "He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark."

Here, in this safe place, under God's wings is a place of refuge, a place to rest and prepare.  It is not an absence of problems, but a place to pause and feel His goodness and care.  To be reassured.

The psalmist follows in verse 5:  "You will not be afraid of the terror by night, or of the arrow that files by day; of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, or of the destruction that lays waste at noon."

The problems are still there.

As much as I will probably keep praying for my children to not have problems, I need to get on board with God's approach and pray even more for their strength and courage to face the problems, to be bravehearts. That is the way they grow, the way they conquer, their part in God's story, the way they experience God's power and grace, the way they bring glory to Him.

What do you pray for your children?  I need to change my prayers.

"How to Be Outstanding"

Below is a recent article from Jeff Goins, one of my favorite bloggers. He tells about the need for courage to "be outstanding."  A great piece to give older braveheart children...or ourselves!

To read Jeff's blog go to http://goinswriter.com/outstanding/


How to Be Outstanding


Posted: 23 Feb 2012 02:00 AM PST

Everyone wants to be extraordinary, but no one wants to be unpopular.

Everyone wants to be a genius, but no one wants to be called a nerd.

Everyone wants to be outstanding, but no one’s willing to stand out.

Earning the attention you deserve will be the hardest, scariest, most grueling thing you do. But it will also be the most rewarding.

The typical tale of an outstanding person
I once met a girl named Patricia. She wanted to live life to the full. When everyone else was playing those “reindeer games” she was being Rudolph. She was standing out.


This usually earned her a few rolled eyes and jokes cracked at her expense, but that didn’t bother her.

Then one day, Patricia stood up when everyone else was sitting down. She did the bold, courageous, amazing thing. And everyone admired her for it.

Suddenly, Patricia wasn’t the outcast, anymore. She was the leader. And there was a crowd of people standing behind her — literally — ready to go wherever she would lead them.

The cost of courage
It takes courage to go where no one else has gone. It takes the heart of a pioneer and the mind of an engineer — to set out for the Promised land and build the road as you go.

To do something this creative — something that’s never been done before — you have to be a little crazy. Fortunately, those who are, end up changing the world.

Of course, like all new endeavors, this involves risk. There’s a cost to doing great things.

To be a leader in today’s world, you have to be brave enough to wander off the worn path and make a new one. And no one will be walking with you those first few steps. So be prepared.

It’s lonely
There’s a reason why most startups fail and most books never get finished: Being a leader is hard.


Which is precisely why we need you to do it. Why we need you to do what so few are willing to do: to be different. To take the initiative. To courageously go where no one’s gone before.

So what are you waiting for?


“An engraved invitation?!” as my dad used to say to the parked cars at the green traffic light. Green means go. Time to be outstanding