Succeeding in College

Below is an odd piece for Building Bravehearts. It is a piece I have been toying with to help address college success of students in Arkansas, where I live. I am convinced that academic ability is important, but more is needed to actually succeed in college. Notice that all seven qualities are themes throughout Building Bravehearts and can be used anywhere at no cost: character, service, passion, wisdom, mindset, relationships, and values. 

Your feedback is welcome as I refine the ideas!  

  Deep College Prep

            Only two states and the District of Columbia have worse college graduation rates than Arkansas.  Only thirty-nine percent of Arkansas students who begin a four year public college graduate within six years.

            What do we do about it?  How do we see more young people spend less time, less money, learn more, and graduate often?

I grew up in rural Kentucky with a suspect academic background.  Neither of my parents finished high school, my father only going through eighth grade.  He worked in a factory.  I should not have been one of those who graduated from college.  But, there are some reasons that I made it, reasons that go deeper than our traditional approach to increasing levels of graduation rates.  Reasons that will work for our children.

            The Department of Education has rightly focused on strengthening the quality of learning through elementary, middle, and high school.  The University of Arkansas system and other colleges are working with high schools, admissions, and incoming students to build their academic abilities.  These are needed and good.

            However, while increased academic quality is essential, we can’t stop there.  More is needed to succeed.  A student who has ability and has learned good skills and knowledge is like a basketball player who has natural ability and has been coached well.  The player needs that ability and those skills to play at a higher level.  But, he needs a lot more to succeed. He needs things like increased commitment, harder work, teamwork, coachability, and other personal qualities. A student going to college also needs ability and skills. But, the student needs strong personal qualities to actually make it through college and graduate.

            Below are seven competencies that will help any student succeed in college.  These qualities go deeper than academic ability alone.  When a student has them, the student more often succeeds and can even overcome a weaker academic background. With a good academic background and these deep college preparations, our students will have successful college experiences.

            First, a student needs strong character.  Character will keep the student making good choices when away from home.  Poor choices about time, money, and people lead to failure quickly.  Courage to do right can be learned.  Parents help children develop strong character by being examples and by making sure their children have other adults and peers who value positive character.  As parents live out good character, they should talk about what is important and why with their children, even teens.

            Second, a student should focus on others.  Learning to serve others will help a student fit into a bigger world.  If a student thinks that everything is about him and then runs into the realty in college that life isn’t that way, he crashes and gives up.  Families and schools can encourage students to meet needs in their community or further away. Becoming involved with people different than their family can help students prepare for the bigger world of college.

            Third, a student should have a passion for something important.  This passion will give him a direction in college and a reason for what he is doing.  While passions may change, parents who encourage children to pursue a purpose with heart will have children who expand their abilities, grow strong, and do amazing things.  Listen and encourage dreams.  Avoid telling a child it is impossible or that he is too young for something big.  Give him or her purpose.

            Fourth, wisdom will help a student gain respect and manage day-to-day life with friends and finances.  Wisdom is the practical application of things we know about people and life.  It says things like, “be slow to speak,” “be slow to anger,” and tells us that words are pretty empty without actions.  Expect children to pause before reacting, think about good ways to solve problems, and to treat people right.  Wisdom is a powerful gift to give children to prepare them for college success.

            Fifth, a student with a great work ethic will make good use of money and time in college.  Not everyone will be a scholar with straight A’s, but everyone can become the best they can be. Parents should not let children think that grades or honors can be bought or they deserve them.  Applaud effort, not grades or touchdowns scored.  Effort will serve students well in every situation, especially if things are hard.  A student with a mindset of working hard to make things better instead of giving up will do well in college.

            Sixth, good relationships are important for college success and life.  Lone rangers can get wrapped up in their own thoughts and not get the support that a college student needs.  They are at a great risk for emotional problems.  And, much of success in college and life depends on working with people.  Help children become involved in groups and activities in which they have an interest.  Be relentless to find a place and a group where children are doing something they enjoy with others outside of class in school, church, or the community.

            Seventh, a child who values education will find ways to get it and make it work.  Adults in children’s lives must value education and make sure their children know how important it is to them, both mothers and fathers.   While my parents didn’t finish high school, I knew all of my life that education was important to them, especially for my sister and me.  They taught us that education was the way to live a different life with opportunity that they didn’t have.  I valued it and that value kept me going.

            While these seven ideas for deeper college preparation won’t guarantee that children will succeed in college, they will give them a much better chance of a wonderful college experience that ends in graduation.  As parents, schools, and churches are intentional about preparing students in these areas, deep roots grow to support college success.  At little cost and possible for every child.

"How to Be Outstanding"

Below is a recent article from Jeff Goins, one of my favorite bloggers. He tells about the need for courage to "be outstanding."  A great piece to give older braveheart children...or ourselves!

To read Jeff's blog go to http://goinswriter.com/outstanding/


How to Be Outstanding


Posted: 23 Feb 2012 02:00 AM PST

Everyone wants to be extraordinary, but no one wants to be unpopular.

Everyone wants to be a genius, but no one wants to be called a nerd.

Everyone wants to be outstanding, but no one’s willing to stand out.

Earning the attention you deserve will be the hardest, scariest, most grueling thing you do. But it will also be the most rewarding.

The typical tale of an outstanding person
I once met a girl named Patricia. She wanted to live life to the full. When everyone else was playing those “reindeer games” she was being Rudolph. She was standing out.


This usually earned her a few rolled eyes and jokes cracked at her expense, but that didn’t bother her.

Then one day, Patricia stood up when everyone else was sitting down. She did the bold, courageous, amazing thing. And everyone admired her for it.

Suddenly, Patricia wasn’t the outcast, anymore. She was the leader. And there was a crowd of people standing behind her — literally — ready to go wherever she would lead them.

The cost of courage
It takes courage to go where no one else has gone. It takes the heart of a pioneer and the mind of an engineer — to set out for the Promised land and build the road as you go.

To do something this creative — something that’s never been done before — you have to be a little crazy. Fortunately, those who are, end up changing the world.

Of course, like all new endeavors, this involves risk. There’s a cost to doing great things.

To be a leader in today’s world, you have to be brave enough to wander off the worn path and make a new one. And no one will be walking with you those first few steps. So be prepared.

It’s lonely
There’s a reason why most startups fail and most books never get finished: Being a leader is hard.


Which is precisely why we need you to do it. Why we need you to do what so few are willing to do: to be different. To take the initiative. To courageously go where no one’s gone before.

So what are you waiting for?


“An engraved invitation?!” as my dad used to say to the parked cars at the green traffic light. Green means go. Time to be outstanding

"Six Skills You Can't Live Without"

"The real risk is not risking." 

Joe Robinson in "Six Skills You Can't Live Without" demonstrates the benefits of Braveheart ideas like risk taking, initiating, experiences, absorption...really, just living life fully and richly for which we are created. But a life too many hold back from.  Joe explains studies that show how the six actions listed below contribute to long life, healthy life, and a fulfilling life where success is much more than making money or succeeding in athletics, education, or beauty.

The article supports the need for building bravehearts.  It demonstrates the values of a broad education, confidence in entering life wholly, and becoming who and what you were meant to be.

While I agree with Joe about the value of the six skills, I don't agree that they are for "leisure" time, "life outside the professional world."  I think these skills should be lived in all of life, not accepting that our professional lives and non-professional lives are handled differently, but that both should be lived heartily with the same depth and excitement that these six skills bring.

Here is part of what Joe says.  As you read, you might think about how each of these six skills can be encouraged in your child's life.

"Passions and the active leisure skills that create them work wonders for your health and outlook because they satisfy core psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and connection with others. This makeover show happens where it matters, inside. Yet this power of this health resource doesn’t filter down to us because of the ingrained notion that recreation and leisure are little removed from outright vagrancy, since they don’t produce anything (unless you want to call living a productive endeavor)."

"We concentrate all our skill-building and education on the work side, where we believe all the value is. Work skills–getting results, micromanaging, staying in the comfort zone–get you nowhere when it comes to activating your life, which is about input, not output; experience over results; letting go; and getting out of the straitjacket of habit."

"It takes another skill-set to create a fulfilling life outside the professional world. Here are some of the key leisure skills that get your life going:

1) Intrinsic motivation. Pursuing and enjoying experiences off-the-clock takes a different motivation than the work reflex of external results: intrinsic motivation. You do it for the inherent interest, fun, learning, or challenge. Research shows we enjoy what we do and remember much more of it (critical to memory, which is what tells you that you like your life or not) when the goal is intrinsic. Expect no payoff, and you get a big one, internal gratification.

2) Initiating. Instead of being told what to do or watching others doing the living, we have to break out of spectator mode and self-determine our lives to feel gratified. We need to research and plan activities and vacations, seek out and try new things, invite others to get out and participate, and if they don’t reciprocate, go alone.

3) Risk-taking. The real risk is not risking. Security is a red flag for the brain, which is built to seek out novelty and challenge. Make the risk intrinsic (the result doesn’t matter), and you’re able to venture much more, because, instead of having anything on the line, you’re just exploring.

4) Pursuit of competence. Since competence is one of your core needs, it’s a handy thing to build and sublime to feel. The idea here is that you want to get better at something–not to show off, not for anyone else, but for your own gratification. Pursuing competence leads you to build your skills at an activity to the point where it can become a passion. It’s a fabulous self- and life-sustaining skill.

5) Attention-directing and absorption. The work mind wants to get everything over with ASAP. The key to optimal experiences is being 100% engaged in what you’re doing now. That means losing the electronic devices and distractions and putting all your concentration on the activity at hand. The more absorbed you are, the more your thoughts and deeds are the same, and the happier you are. It’s called harmony.

6) Going for the experience. Observation and hanging back don’t satisfy the engagement mandate of your brain neurons. To activate a fulfilling life, we have to participate in the 40% of our potential happiness (the rest is inherited or due to circumstance) we can actually do something about–intentional activities. That’s the realm of experience. Experiences make us happier than material things because they can’t be compared with anyone else’s experience. They don’t lose value through social comparison. They are personal events that engage our self-determination needs."

"These skills take us inside the participant dynamic essential to a healthy and extraordinary life. They show us that the good life comes from a place quite a bit different than the recliner and that the script of nonstop production is about as accurate a route to satisfaction and aliveness as a divining rod."

The above is excerpted from Six Skills You Can't Live Without by Joe Robinson in Don't Miss Your Life.

Fixing Overload Failure in Children

“I have found that the most dangerous disability is not any formally diagnosable condition like dyslexia or ADD. It is fear.”

Edward Hallowell says that fear of mishandling the large number of normal daily inputs is a major reason that gifted people don’t perform (in a 2005 Harvard Business Review article called “Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform"). He continues: “Fear shifts us into survival mode and thus prevents fluid learning and nuanced understanding. Certainly, if a real tiger is about to attack you, survival is the mode you want to be in. But, if you're trying to deal intelligently with a subtle task, survival mode is highly unpleasant and counterproductive."

Hallowell explains that gifted leaders become so overloaded with inputs, information, and needs that their brain goes from an orderly and creative approach controlled by the frontal lobes to a survival mode of the lower brain characterized by “fear, anxiety, impatience, irritability, anger, or panic.” This overload creates a situation where the person “is robbed of his flexibility, his sense of humor, his ability to deal with the unknown. He forgets the big picture and the goals and values he stands for. He loses creativity and his ability to change plans. He desperately wants to kill the metaphorical tiger.”

The same thing happens to our children when they can't handle, as Hallowell says, “the hyperkinetic environment in which we live…Never in history has the human brain been asked to track so many data points. Everywhere, people rely on their cell phones ,email, and digital assistants in the race to gather and transmit data, plans, and ideas faster and faster…As the human brain struggles to keep up, it falters…” Our children are faced with the same overload, but with less maturity to handle it.

(This overload is subtle and pernicious. Without thinking, I just clicked to my email to read a response from one of six notes I sent earlier for work. And today is a vacation day!)

Hallowell suggests four approaches to either stop or control the overload. They are good ones to incorporate into our parenting, as we help our children reduce fear from our stimulated world so they can grow and live freely in the world of learning, creativity, and courage.

1.  "Promote positive emotions" by "building a positive, fear-free emotional atmosphere."  A critical role for parents is to make home a positive, supportive place; it is a hard world out there, even in First Grade.  Physical contact and relationship are essential; make time for them.  Let's start by turning off screens and their inputs and replacing them with people, play, and creative places in our homes.

2.  "Take physical care of your brain with sleep, good diet, and exercise."  Children should never suffer or do less than they can because of an adult's lack of attention in this area. The basics are so important.  Let's make sure our children sleep and rest enough, eat foods that are healthy and that maintain steady glucose levels (not white breads, sugars, and power drinks), take vitamins, and exercise regularly.

3.  Develop strategies that help handle the overload.  For adults and children, have chunks of the day when email and videos are banned.  Don't use screens as the default in parenting, make screens the exception. Create a neat space; your office or a child's room can be messy, but there should be a clear place somewhere.  Help your child organize and prioritize needs rather than adding unnecessary burdens or getting frustrated when they aren't done well.  Give your children an atmosphere for work that works for them.

4.  "Protect your frontal lobes by staying out of survival mode all you can."  Guard your children's inputs and stressors, reducing the ones you can and helping them sort out the others with a plan.  Give them chunks of time when they don't have to experience the pressure or inputs.  Do things like play games or read books that require their total concentration on one thing so they can forget all the inputs except the one pleasant one they are doing.

You might want to look at Dr. Hallowell's site Crazy Busy for ideas on being busy, Don't Miss Your Life for ideas on getting inputs and fears under control, and 45 Things about life in the workplace (the picture above is from this site).

Or, even better, memorize Philippians 4:6 with your child, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Maybe study Jesus' life together and how he handled pressures and crowds.  And model for your children, "Cease striving and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

What does all of the input our children absorb do to them? Let me end with this quote from Luke's Commonplace Book, originating with Agatha Christie: "I suppose it’s because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas."  How do we help our children control fear and its consequences from the overload?

An Update on Braveheart Progress

Thanks for helping Building Bravehearts grow from an idea to toddler hood.  Building Bravehearts blog began about a year ago and is one part of a vision to help every child succeed by developing the courage to try.  After digging into ideas, listening to stories, and watching young people grow, I am more convinced than ever that building "heart" deserves our attention if we want our children to become who and what they are meant to be.  Courage, in the big and small of life, makes a difference.

Below is an annual update of where we are and where we are going.

Building Bravehearts blog has been a place to serve families and develop ideas at the same time.  From nothing to almost 5,000 reads this year isn't a lot compared to many blogs, but a steady start.  We at least beat the average life span of a blog which is 126 days!

Book work on Bravehearts goes in spurts, as does some of the blog, usually tied to energies at my "day job" of principal.  A few months ago, a handful of editors and agents saw a book proposal and gave positive remarks and suggestions.  I have taken their helpful comments and am in the middle of a revised proposal and chapter writing.

Lord willing, in the months straight ahead we will begin Braveheart seminars, a three-hour presentation for parents about raising their own Bravehearts.  The three segments are:
1. "Braveheart Success" in which parents discover the connection between heart and success in a world of fears.
2. "Keeping Heart" where parents learn how to keep heart in their children by understanding the heart that children have, modeling trust, supportive parenting, cooperating with the Creator, and creating passion.
3. "Restoring Heart" helps parents find out how to restore a heart that is lost.

We will be exploring other ways to share the Braveheart ideas such as articles and presentations to educators on the importance of heart in learning and how to develop them in a school context.

Your insights, questions, and prayers are welcome!

Thank you.
Joe Neff

"Don't do anything for a child...

...that he can do for himself."

Prof Hendricks

Before "Helicopter Parents" and "Cuisinart parenting" intruded into children's development, Professor Howard Hendricks was telling us, "Don't do anything for a child that he can do for himself."

New college students have the lowest level of emotional health in twenty-five years according to a recent study by UCLA's Higher Education Research Institute.  While economic factors may affect them, this is the same group of students who often grew up with "Helicopter Parents" (hovering over all parts of their lives) and, as John Rosemond calls them, "Cuisinart Parents" (who have blended their lives with their children in all of the details which includes micromanagement and enabling.)  It is no wonder if these students feel like they can't live their lives and become overwhelmed when so much has been done for them.  Many have learned to be helpless.

"Learned Helplessness" is a state where one feels he or she does not have adequate control over surroundings and gives up.  These children learn that they can't (why else would mom and dad do everything for them?) and they don't learn skills and develop confidence to enter life's frays.

This is the state of a "lost heart," that Paul warns us about in Colossians 3:21:  "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart."  Why try when you don't think you can or it is has always been done for you?  And, how do you face life in college or alone when you never learned how because it was done for you?

Let's give our children bigger boxes of life to handle year by year.  Let's only intervene in problems if they will harm our children, remembering that working out problems and facing fears usually helps them grow rather than harms them.  Support and train, but don't do.  Or, we rob their learning and courage. 

In the mid-seventies, Martin Seligman said that we can change learned helplessness by replacing it with "learned optimism," a shift in mindset from lost heart to braveheart.  Our children can face life with optimism by doing it in increasingly large chunks while at home and by developing the skills and courage they need along the way.  They shift from learned helplessness to learned optimism if they know we support them and that we believe in them enough to let them face real life without hand holding and speaking for them.

"Prof" Hendricks, a leader in education and family, told us decades ago to not do anything for our children that they can do for themselves.  Still timely and powerful advice today.

Tiger Mother and Success

Amy Chua and Daughters

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua has gotten a lot of attention.  The author has said things like "the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child." Chua said that it was her custom to call her daughters "garbage" when they displeased her.  She complained that Western mothers were pushovers and she encourages long hours of work on homework and piano to achieve A's and the high level of success expected of her children.  And, no sleepovers.

Since Building Braveheart's subtitle is "The Key to Your Child's Success," I thought it would be good to clarify what I mean by success.  My definition of success is much more about developing great character, especially following God and doing a good job with the gifts each child is given.  To follow Him and to do a good job with what you are given requires trying, the habit of a braveheart.  This is opposite a child who has lost heart and given up, which can happen with too much pressure to succeed in the ways Amy Chua promotes.  When a person tries, in faith, he grows and develops and becomes the best he can.  Pleasing God is the ultimate standard of success.

Even success by Amy Chua's standards is best achieved by a focus on pleasing God, having great character which is possible for everyone, and being a good steward of what you are given, also possible for everyone.  If you try and do your best with what you are given, you can't do more. The person focused on pleasing God has a freedom to go further and engage in ways that those focused on Chua's standards often can't do because fears distract them, similar to a basketball player who makes mistakes because he focuses on the score more than listening to his coach.  At its best, Chua's success is achieved by using fear and domination in the lives of her children.  But, what happens when that pressure is removed?

Success should not be measured by being better than someone else in sport, money, or grades.  Those are essentially by-products of doing the best with what God has given.  Even if a person never succeeds in sport or grades, but follows God and does his best with what he is given, he is a success, a good steward of his or her time, resources, and place.

One of my favorite columnists, John Rosemond (http://www.rosemond.com/) says what follows about "CTM" (Chinese Tiger Mother):

"This all seems like unmitigated, indefensible emotional blackmail to me, but then I am a Westerner and therefore an unmitigated parenting wuss.  I do not understand what it takes for a child to achieve success in life.  Is this cultural chauvinism or what?  Chua describes her parenting style as if she is being totally unselfish, but I suggest that she is all about her."

"This CTM stuff is more about Chua's ego than it is her kids' success."

"She lives through her children.  She even freely admits that she and her American husband do not agree on how to raise the kids, but when he objects, she simply argues him into submission.  The Chinese Tiger Mother is also a Tiger Wife."

"At the Crux of my disagreement with Chua is her definition of success."

Rosemond concludes, "She's fixated on grades and other material accomplishments (one of her daughters played Carnegie Hall in 2007).  I want a child to pretty much--with some coaching and correcting of course--find her own way in life.  I'm all for the child learning through trial-and-error what path is right for her.  Chua is about choosing the child's path and keeping her on it no matter what.  I think character is more important than material success.  Chua believes that character is forged in the struggle for material success.  We agree on nothing."

Success is about character.  A child with character who has courage faces the world and tries.  This child discovers that he can, he explores, and he is drawn further. This braveheart is able to love, for which he was created. The child with heart becomes the best he can be because he is willing to try new things, meet new people, stretch his legs and stand for something beyond herself.  He becomes a success, not because of a domineering mother but because of character, especially the courage to try and keep going.

P.S.  You might enjoy the New York Times column, "Amy Chua Is a Wimp," that says it is easier to focus on piano than to master the social skills of a sleepover, skills that serve well in future achievement:  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/opinion/18brooks.html

Solutions for Struggling Children

When a child is struggling and stuck in school or life, a simple analysis from First Thessalonians 5:14 can solve the problem, or at least get started in the right direction. In this verse, there are three reasons a child may be stuck and not succeeding. And, there is a solution for each reason. On the surface, they sound simple. But, there is power in their use and danger if used wrongly.

Paul says in 5:14, “We urge you, brothers, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

The first reason for a lack of success may be that a child is “unruly.” He has the ability to succeed and knows he can, but is simply choosing to be out of step. This is willful disobedience. He should be disciplined; “admonish” is used here, but I am sure other forms of discipline are fine.

The second reason for a lack of success is that a child may be “fainthearted.” This is the child who has lost heart. He can do it, but doesn’t believe he can. He has given up. This child needs “encouragement,” which means to give him courage. He can do it and needs to believe he can so he will try. This courage to try is the heart of a braveheart.

The third reason for a lack of success is being “weak.” This is a child who cannot do it, he does not have the ability.  He needs “help,” someone or something that will support him in the effort. Admonishment will simply make him feel worse since he may be doing all he can. Trying to give him courage would be like sending a short seventh grade basketball player into an NBA game: no matter how much confidence he has, he will not succeed and will be discouraged.

This is the danger: picking the wrong reason for a lack of success results in using the wrong solution which makes things worse. If an unruly child is encouraged or helped instead of being disciplined, he learns that choosing disobedience brings good results and keeps disobeying. If a fainthearted child who needs encouragement is disciplined instead, he feel like a failure. Or, if the fainthearted child is helped when he could do it, his belief in his inability is confirmed and stuck becomes more stuck. Last, if the weak child is disciplined, he is certainly wounded and a bitterness and lack of effort can result. Or, if the weak is encouraged but not able, encouragement becomes discouraging. To avoid making things worse, it is important to select the right reason a student is stuck.

Things can become complicated, especially if a child is weak or fainthearted and masks his inability or fears by looking like he doesn't care or by acting out. On the surface this child may look unruly, and may be to some degree. Or, a child who is weak may need both help and encouragement. Pulling back the layers to understand the real reason behind the problem is important to avoid further harm. As doctors are told, at least do no harm.

In God’s wisdom, He ends the verse with “be patient with everyone.” Because the real problem isn’t always clear, parents and teachers need to be patient. That doesn’t mean allowing a child to act wrongly, but it does mean to keep digging to understand the real reasons for not succeeding. And, when it is not clear, be patient. In God’s description of “love” in 1 Corinthians 13, there is a reason patience is listed first. If we love each of our children as God loves them, patience will play actively as we work to understand how to help our children succeed.

Mindset: Fixed or Growth?

"In this book, you'll learn how a simple belief about yourself--a belief we discovered in our research--guides a large part of your life.  In fact, it permeates every part of your life.  Much of what you think of as your personality actually grows out of this 'mindset.'  Much of what may be preventing you from fulfilling your potential grows out of it."  Carol Dweck, in Mindset, says that people either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.  And, this view affects all aspects of life such as business, school, relationships, parenting, and marriage.

Don't let the subtitle throw you:  "The New Psychology of Success."  Essentially what Dr. Dweck has researched is the simple premise of Braveheart that success depends on the courage to try.  The Braveheart idea is rooted in Colossians 3:21:  "Fathers, don’t exasperate your children that they lose heart." The opposite of a lost heart is having heart, a “braveheart" which is especially important in a world with fears at every turn where it is easy to freeze and not grow.

Dweck concurs that children are born with heart and it is something they lose:  "Everyone is born with an intense drive to learn...What could put an end to this exuberant learning?  The fixed mindset.  As soon as children become able to evaluate themselves, some of them become afraid of challenges.  They become afraid of not being smart.  I have studied thousands of people from preschoolers on, and it's breathtaking how many reject an opportunity to learn."  We can exasperate children so quickly by comparing their abilities to others or praising intelligence instead of effort, creating a lost heart with a fixed mindset instead of keeping the heart to try and discover.

Mindset is worth reading.  I flagged thirteen chunks to share, and there could be more.  The concept and Dweck's exploration of its effect in life is sound and points to the reasons a braveheart succeeds.  Dweck is not as strong on "how" you get a growth mindset, but goes there with statements like:  "The idea that they are worthy and will be loved is crucial for children, and--if a child is unsure about being valued or loved--the fixed mindset appears to offer a simple, straightforward route to this."  And, "It's not that growth-minded parents indulge and coddle their children.  Not at all.  They set high standards, but they teach the children how to reach them.  They say no, but it's a fair, thoughtful, and respectful no...What is the message I'm sending here:  I will judge and punish you?  Or I will help you think and learn?"

A major key for many of us, as Dweck says, is just understanding that there are two mindsets.  And, then considering which we are.   Then, we can keep the awareness active as we raise our children.  Knowledge that a parent can cause a child to lose heart or can help a child be a braveheart is a great beginning.  Our every word or action helps stamp one approach or the other in the mind of our children.  And, with this awareness, search Scripture for eternal truths of "how" to raise a braveheart, a child with a growth mindset and all of its benefits.

Before leaving behind my thirteen ideas I would love to quote, let me share a favorite on the value of praise in developing mindset.  From Dweck: 

"Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence--like a gift--by praising their brains and talent.  It doesn't work, and in fact it has the opposite effect.  It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.  If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.  That way, their children don't have to be slaves of praise.  They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence."

Test Dweck's ideas (you can look at http://www.mindsetonline.com/) against truth of Scripture.  Be encouraged that research shows what God says works.  She has some great thoughts.  Let's build bravehearts with a growth mindset.

Building Courage by Investing in Children

Building bravehearts with the courage to try depends on parents intentionally investing themselves in their children.  We make decisions every day about spending our limited energy and time.  Let me share three insights into the importance of investing energy and time in your children from an eclectic group of sources  I ran across this week, all saying the same thing: a country song, Harvard Business Review article, and a Bible verse.

I can't resist an occasional country song.  "Everything That Glitters Is Not Gold" by Dan Seals has become a new favorite, even though the song is old.  It talks about a rodeo star leaving behind her guy and their little girl, Casey:

"Everybody said you'd make it big someday,
And I guess that we were only in your way
But someday, I'm sure, you're gonna know the cost;
Cause for everything you win, there's something lost."

"But then sometimes I think about you, and the way you used to ride out
In your rhinestones and your sequins, with the sunlight on your hair;
And, oh, the crowd will always love you, but as for me I've come to know
Everything that glitters.... is not gold."


Next, Clayton Christensen, the Robert and Jane Cizik Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School writes in the July-August 2010 edition of Harvard Business Review:

"When people who have a high need for achievement...have an extra half hour of time or an extra ounce of energy, they'll unconsciously allocate it to activities that yield the most tangible accomplishments.  And our careers provide the most concrete evidence that we're moving forward.  You ship a product, finish a design, complete a presentation, close a sale, teach a class, publish a paper, get paid, get promoted.  In contrast, investing time and energy in your relationship with your spouse and children typically doesn't offer the same immediate sense of achievement...People who are driven to excel have this unconscious propensity to underinvest in their families and overinvest in their careers--even though intimate and loving relationships with their families are the most powerful and enduring source of happiness."

Christensen says that instead of creating a family culture of successfully working together, parents often use "power tools" when children are young, forcing cooperation through power because it is easier.  But, he says, "there comes a point during the teen years when power tools no longer work.   At that point parents start wishing that they had begun working with their children at a very young age to build a culture of home in which children instinctively behave respectfully toward one another, obey their parents, and choose the right thing to do.  Those cultures can be built consciously or evolve inadvertently."

Christensen continues:  "If you want your kids to have strong self-esteem and confidence that they can solve hard problems, those qualities won't magically materialize in high school.  You have to design them into your family's culture--and you have to think about this very early on.  Like employees, children build self-esteem by doing things that are hard and learning what works."


Last, Paul's blunt comment in Galatians 6:  "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked, for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."

Let's have no regrets about where we spend our energy and time.

Strength and Courage in Business

Most of our children aren't called to conquer lands through combat like Joshua did when he claimed the promised land.  While victory was assured if Joshua would believe God and go, casualties and blood were likely.  God's direction in Joshua 1 to have strength and courage made sense when fighting armies.

But, our children are more likely to face business decisions, angry people, and nagging questions of insecurity.  The same types of problems that Solomon met when he tried to build the temple.  His battles and fears were like those our children will meet.

The solution is the same.  To fulfill God's purposes and to have success, strength and courage are needed in business as well as battle. David tells Solomon in 1 Chronicles 22:13:  "Then you will prosper, if you are careful to observe the statues and the ordinances which the LORD commanded Moses concerning Israel.  Be strong and courageous, do not fear nor be dismayed."

Even though Solomon had 100,000 talents of gold, 1,000,000 talents of silver, and practically every other resource imaginable, David knew that his son would need to follow God and have strength and courage.  David knew that being king and having wealth weren't enough, fears and lost hearts are inherent in any endeavor worth pursuing.  Solomon, like our children, was in danger.  Solomon needed to be a braveheart to build God's house, just as our children need to be bravehearts to build their lives.

Mojo or Nojo

Mojo is that positive spirit toward what we are doing now that starts on the inside and radiates to the outside.” Marshall Goldsmith in Mojo, 2009. Goldsmith's list comparing “MOJO” and “NOJO” (no joy) looks a lot like the differences between a Braveheart and a child who has lost heart:

Take responsibility—Play the victim.
Move forward—Marching back.

Run the extra mile—Satisfied with the bare minimum.

Love doing it—Feel obligated to do it.

Appreciate opportunities—Tolerate requirements.

Make best of it—Endure it.

Inspirational—Painful to be around.

Grateful—Resentful.

Curious—Uninterested.

Caring—Indifferent.

Zest for life—Zombie-like.

Awake—Asleep.

Goldsmith says that there are four building blocks for “mojo.”

1. Identity: Who do you think you are?

2. Achievement: What have you done lately?

3. Reputation: Who do people think you are?

4. Acceptance: What can you change and what is beyond your control.

These four “building blocks” are useful for helping build your own Bravehearts:

1. Identity: Know who they are in Christ, really.  ("The God whose I am and whom I serve.")

2. Achievement: Know their gifts, develop skills, and experience success (“Don’t do anything for a child he can do for himself.")

3. Reputation: Know that someone believes in them and that proven character brings opportunity.

4. Acceptance: Know God is in control and their part in His plan.

Click here for Goldsmith's blog at HBR

Footsteps on the Stairs

At twelve, footsteps on the stairs kept me under my blankets. My room was tucked in the attic, alone, with only a small window to the roof and no escape from the intruder. I was trapped. No one would hear me if I called out. My fear drove me deeper under the covers, the steps grew louder. My courage failed. I was sure my life was over, that I would never see my teenage years. Until I realized that the footsteps were my heartbeats, pulsing against the pillow.

How often I have buried my head, making things worse with my imaginings, demanding greater courage than I can gather for dangers that aren’t even real. Sometimes the dangers are real, but hiding only makes the fears in my head grow. Fears, real and imagined, freeze each of us at times, keeping us from good things. If only we could throw back the covers and crash down the stairs with strength and courage to conquer whatever stands on the steps.

Isn’t this what we want for our children? Bravehearts who throw back the covers and face fears. Courage to use the gifts and abilities that God has given. Courage to take advantage of opportunities, often when no one else will or when others say, “you can’t.” A boldness that speaks up for the bullied, runs for a student council office, speaks truth, and is singled out for right rather than wrong. A braveheart who will take risks for good reasons and make a difference.