The Turtle and the Rabbit

You may be thinking this should be "The Tortoise and the Hare."  But, this is a different story.

Sometimes I see the strangest things on my walks in the woods.  Today's "Turtle and Rabbit" gives insight into teaching your children at different times in their lives.  Wisdom from a turtle and rabbit.

There is one spot on my walk where the woods open and there is brush on both sides of the four feet wide trail.  Often when I get about five or six steps from there, a rabbit hops across the trail in front of me.  I can't figure out why, unless it is safer on the other side and I am frightening.

Yesterday the rabbit hopped across.  But, right behind the rabbit was a baby bunny, following mom across the trail.

Learning by Following

This is so much like our children when they are young.  Unless we have done something to hurt them, they love to follow mom and dad and do the things they do.  They are growing and learning leaps and bounds (hops?) as they find joy and comfort in seeing where a parent goes and what a parent does.  It is the "I want to be like you, Dad" stage.  What power to teach by our lives.  What a responsibility.  What an opportunity.

I know you can get tired of being followed.  It goes fast.  Cherish it.  Invite them, engage them, let them do the things you do as much as you can.  And, show them your heart.  And, courage.

But, then we hit the turtle stage, usually around twelve, but it varies a lot.

I ran into a turtle on the same trail.  He looked at me as I approached.  As I took a wide loop around him, the shell stayed put, but the head and eyes watched me.  Guarded.  Your teens are watching you.  They may not be following like they did before, but they are moving their eyes and heads to see if what you believe and what you say are for real.  They may not move their shell, but know that you are impacting their hearts as they watch what you do.  Example is powerful at all ages.

Learn by Watching

I took a turn and moved closer to the turtle.  You know what he did.  When I got too close, his head went inside the shell.  On my return trip down the trail, he was gone.

Yep.  Teens often operate the same way.  However you can do it, keep your relationship open.  Instead of expecting them to follow you like the bunny did, find things they will do with you.  But, ever so gently.  If mom and dad get too close, pry too much, there is a tendency to retreat.   And, if you keep pushing, they will disappear for a while if they can.  Give them time and they will come out again when they feel it is safe.

A few years ago I asked ten parents who had great teens what they did.  Everyone said the same thing:  "we keep a bridge open," a relationship, no matter what.  It might mean not getting too close sometimes.  It might mean being careful to "pick your battles" and let some things go that really aren't that important.  But, whatever you do, keep a relationship active.

That's it.  The "Turtle and the Rabbit."  Teaching your children isn't too complicated, really.  Know what you believe and want.  Talk about it.  Be intentional but not smothering.  Know which stage your child is in. Take advantage of the rabbit years.  And, know how turtles operate.  Young ones learn by following and they all learn by watching.  Live what you want them to learn.

Dad's Courage

If you read through Braveheart blogs, you'll find a recurring theme:  the power of parents who model courage to their children.  No matter what we want our children to become, "do as I do" has a lot more impact on our children than "do as I say." That's a little frightening, isn't it?  Our children are watching.

Leslie Neff

As we move beyond the cards and grilled steaks of Father's day, I hope that we can do what my Dad did for me.  Even though he didn't always know it, I watched him a lot.  And I learned. He moved on to life with God over two years ago, but his impact on me still makes a difference every day.

From an outside look, Dad wasn't a world changer.  He worked as a machinist, lived in a modest home in Arizona, and managed to enjoy fishing and hunting as much as he could squeeze in while working and fulfilling his responsibilities.  But, the leap he made from a farm in rural Kentucky to the end of his life was over a gap that took more courage than I will ever muster.  He modeled courage to me.

I hope that when my children and your children look back they can say that they learned courage from us, courage to be bravehearts for the right things.  Here are some ways Dad modeled courage:

* He married my Mom, when he could have left her alone with child--me!  He had the courage to do the right thing instead of leaving.

* He sold everything he had and moved from his beloved Kentucky home to Arizona to help my Mom's health.  He pulled one small U-Hall behind his truck and gave up all he knew to do the right thing.

* He had the courage to give my sister and me a big vision, a vision for a life different than he had known.  His life wasn't bad at all, but he was bold to give us something new and big.

* He had the courage to quit smoking.  When he decided it was wrong, that was it. Courage and strength to decide what was right and do it without complaint and without turning back.

* He had the courage to serve my Mom for decades of illness, giving up his dreams to be at her side twice a day in her nursing home.  He had the courage to show how Jesus loves us.

* He had the courage to humble himself in his last couple of years on earth and let Jesus change him in ways that surprised me.  Sitting and talking on our porch in his last visit to us, I hardly knew this man who had God's grip on him.

My dad didn't talk much about these things, he just showed me.  That has made all the difference.  May you and I have such an impact on our children through our lives.

Peeking at the Eye Chart

A few days ago I went for my annual eye doctor visit.  The nurse had me look through machines that took pictures of my retina, scanned the cornea, and flashed lights for me to watch.  Then we came to the electronic version of the traditional eye chart.  Without my contacts, I didn't recognize the big E at first.  I am thankful for eye doctors!

As the nurse had me read different letters with one eye at a time, she told me that children often peek with both eyes so they can tell her the right letter.  They are more interested in getting the answer right than following her directions.  Their attempts to "cheat" were often humorous and she was on top of it.

These children had learned that getting the "right" answer is most important.  And, they will break the rules to get there.

This happens with children in school.  Many just want to get the "right" answer, get the grade, and move on without the deeper values gained from applying themselves.  Real learning with deep benefit takes more time and work than just coming up with the right multiple choice letter for the current quiz.  The hard work of growing that leads to real success is shorted by the student who just tries to get the right answer down.

Somewhere along the way the growing process has given way to the shortcut.  Its true in education.  Its also true in things like relationships and business.  This tendency has been around along time.  The Pharisees did it.  Here is part of a parable Jesus told in Luke 18:

"The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: God, I thank you that I am not like other people:  swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get"

The Pharisee missed the point.  He created a little grade card and gave himself A's for fasting and tithes.  He thought he was righteous ("right"!).  Jesus said that the Pharisee would not be justified because "everyone who exalts himself will be humbled."  It isn't about getting the grade, its about what happens deeply inside.

There is pain and pleasure in the growing process.  A braveheart has the courage to go through the process of hard work, risk taking, and perseverance, strengthening himself and laying the foundation for life time success.  Shortcuts don't work for becoming strong.

I worked in my yard last weekend for about four hours.  I got carried away pulling weeds, trimming hedges, fertilizing, and watering.  I was tired and sore.  But, I also felt great from the exercise and looked with pleasure on the work of my hands.  Because I took the time, I gained not only physically but in my joy.  While I could have paid someone to do the yard, my investment in the process helped me become stronger and brought me both pain and pleasure.  If I had paid to have it done, I would have examined the work to make sure it was done right, but I would not have gained in myself like I did through my investment in the work.

Bravehearts need to know that shortcuts usually don't help them in the long run.  Perseverance, tenacity, hard work, and investment produce growth and success.  Not finding the fastest way to get it right and move on.  Growing and real impact requires dedication and commitment, something a braveheart understands.

How can we help our children avoid the tendency to just get it done any way possible?  And, to learn the pleasure of a hard job well done, growing through the process?

As in most things, we can begin by being a good example.  What shortcuts do I take to get the checklist done, but give me superficial results without lasting impact or value?  Do we have places where we are expedient instead of investing?  How can I be an example of perseverance in work and relationships to create lasting value?  Example is always our first step.

Then this.  Work with your child.  If you are going to rake the leaves, have her help.  Have her learn that the process can be joyful and rich even if it is long and hard.  Have her fell the pain, but have her rejoice in the job well done and create memories of spending time together on a project.

I used to do house projects a lot, often so that the kids would learn that they can do things themselves.  I wanted them to learn that everything doesn't have to be paid for and that they can tackle all kinds of needs.  I invited them into the process.  Was it slower and sloppier having them help paint the bedroom wall?  I am sure you know the answer.  But, they learned.

Invite your children in the real world of work, without shortcuts.  Have them help garden, paint, wash the car, help with taxes.  And, do them together so you can teach, build relationship, and they can learn the joy of the process and the pleasure and gain of work well done. 

A good example.  Work together.  Great memories.  Powerful lessons.  It takes time and work on our part, but as in any process, the invested time and work in our children pays rich dividends, accompanied by some pain along the way and the pleasure of a job well done as you see them become bravehearts.