The Last Day of Class

This week my Marriage and Family class ended.  Working as a principal normally takes away my time to teach, so it was a joy to work with my twenty juniors and seniors this semester.  But, I felt a little like Jesus in John 16 when He said He had so much more to tell his disciples, but they weren't ready and He knew His time was short with them.  I had so much more to say!

So, I was down to one class to try to give them everything important about marriage and family, summarizing what we studied and covering what I left out.  Here is the handout I gave them:

(I did not know it was going to look like a face as I drew it...you can make the bottom line smile or sad, or turn it into a mustache so it looks like me.)

Let me explain, although I can only take a stab at the thirty minute talk and what the students knew from the semester.  I believe that the key elements for a positive marriage and family are here.

1. The triangle.  God is at the top.  The closer you and your spouse get to God, the closer you get to each other.  Restoring intimacy in marriage that was lost in the fall is a major goal for a couple.  Emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical intimacy grows as God is included and both get closer to Him.

2.  The left circle.  Marriage.  Number one to make a marriage good is to know "It is not about you."  While each person in a great marriage enjoys many benefits and joys, what makes it work is each person's commitment to serve the other.  As long as we focus on our job (love or submit/respect) and not on what we get, marriage is a lot more likely to be a great one.  Marriage is one of the best ways to mature because we have to learn "it is not about us" for it to work.  Giving up self, just what Jesus did, makes marriage work.

3. The right circle. Children.  Number one is to "Be there."  Parents cannot abdicate their responsibility or give it away to schools, babysitters, or churches.  Only a present parent can model, teach, and answer questions (a la Deuteronomy 6). Being there allows a parent to "bring them up" in God's discipline and instruction.  Children don't need you there 24/7 or smothering, but they need to know that you are on their side, always watchful and ready to be their parent. Even if you can't be there physically, let them know you are there for them and on their side.

4. Above the line.  Unconditional love.  In all relationships, commit to the other person's best, no matter what they do. Love that is unearned, that does not require performance, that never waivers in spite of the actions of the other is God's type of love for us.  It is there, even when discipline is needed and even when the prodigal leaves.  It waits and welcomes back.  It is about the other person. Know them and love them so they know they are loved.

5. Below the line.  No regrets.  This doesn't mean perfect relationships, but it means reconciling when things aren't right.  Asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness.  Keeping accounts short.  What will you regret in twenty or thirty years?  Do what you have to do now, right now, to fix it.  You never know what is going to happen in life, so by God's help, live with no regrets.

That's it.  Creating a marriage and family where bravehearts can thrive, where love is free and life is lived well.

Oh, and one more.  Pray.  In class we prayed every day for our families to be protected.  Good families are under attack.  And we prayed for their future spouses.  They are alive now and need their prayers.  And, pray for those God calls to singleness, it is gift and a high calling.

May God help my class as they move into their futures.  May God heal what is broken and protect what is sound.  And, may God give you joy in your marriage and family.

The Essentials of Respect and Truth

Not long ago, a colleague and I were talking about what misbehavior we nailed when our children were young.  This was after spending a good chunk of the day with no success in trying to correct a student who was disrespectful and would not listen to us.  We discovered that mom and dad had the same problem at home. As we talked, my friend and I found that when our children were young, both of us had been very quick to stop disrespect and lies and to expect respect and truth.  And, we were strong in how we did it.

Young children have to value respect and truth. By the time a child is old enough to stand on his or her own two legs, the two legs of respect and truth need to be holding up wisdom development.  If a child has respect and tells the truth, a parent or a teacher can help him or her grow.  If a child learns early to give respect and to tell the truth, teenage years are easier, launching from home is positive, and he or she is more likely to have the courage to live life well as a braveheart.  Let me explain.

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul says to bring children "up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (NASB version). Discipline and instruction are tied directly to respect and truth.  Discipline only works when a child respects authority; if a child will not listen to a parent or a teacher, discipline will not be effective.  And, similarly, without truth there is no instruction.  Or at least no instruction of value.  Respect and truth are foundational to raising our children the way Paul says.

Respect is the recognition that I am not all that matters.  Respect says that someone else is important, and in God's order, listening to and cooperating with those "over" me helps me learn and is life giving.  Children who obey parents live longer.  Fools can become wise.  The fear, or respect, of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.  A child who is "mouthy," rolls eyes at parents, and demands the last word will not learn from discipline. When faced with disrespect, a parent must not let the child win.  Disrespect in a teenager is a lot worse than in a five year old and a lot harder to fix.  Nail it young.  It is true that you "pay now, or pay later" when it comes to expecting respect.

Truth is the recognition that there are ideas and facts that represent life the way it really is.  The "truth" does not depend on how I feel or how I see it.  Truth, like respect, recognizes something outside myself and my way of seeing things.  Satan is called the "Father of Lies" because he loves to distort and confuse the way things really are; he knows that truth will lead us to God and right living.  Deception, cheating, and lies are about self and are behaviors that  hide truth and keep a child from repentance and real change.  Instruction only makes sense when one person has a truth that is valuable for the other to learn and is valued enough to learn. We teach our children to value truth by expecting the truth and telling the truth.  If we lie, even "white lies" and half-truths, our children's foundation of faith, where truth and trust go hand in hand, is cracked.

The courage to face fears in life depends on respect and truth.  A child who respects and fears God more than his peers or his own feelings will choose to be brave and do right, even when his friends don't.   Likewise, his respect and fear of his parents helps him be brave.  When I was young, a healthy fear of discipline from my Dad kept me out of a lot of trouble, often making me appear courageous to do right even though I was really just more afraid of what my Dad would do than what my friends would say.  When I got older and my Dad told me that he trusted me, I showed courage at times because I didn't want to let him down, I respected him.  Facing fears with courage often depends on a healthy respect of God, parents, teachers, and other authorities.

Similarly, truth helps a child bravely choose right. If a child knows what is true and right, those truths become beliefs.  And, beliefs become convictions that drive a person to face great fears, to do the right thing for God, people, and causes. For example, when a girl learns the truth that God cares about the weak and she really believes it, she will protect the weak or bullied no matter if friends make fun of her. As our children grow, teaching and modelling big ideas and eternal truths will give them convictions that lead to courage.  What are the truths you want to intentionally have your children know and believe?  Tell them and then cement them in by your example.

May God give you the grace to lovingly teach and expect respect and truth.  And, may you enjoy the fruit of your labor as your children grow and have these legs to stand on.

P.S. The student came back the next day, respectful and willing to listen.  The student learned and is now learning.

Turn the Report Card Over

When you go to parent and teacher conferences, which I hope you do, take the grade card and turn it over.  Instead of talking about points needed to change an A- to an A, look at the teacher and ask, "Is she kind?" and "Is she trying?"  A child who can get along with people and who works hard will do well.  And, every child can succeed in these areas.

A mindset of working hard to learn and grow will help your child use and develop God given abilities.  When you focus on your child's effort and learning instead of grades, you teach him or her a deeper motivation that will bring not only good, deep learning, but is more likely to bring better grades as a result . Focusing on the details of grades or the points he or she scored in a game is short sighted.  Encourage the long term investment of learning, growing, and trying and let the results happen naturally and without anxiety.

And, a child who shows kindness and works well with others will be given ample opportunity to learn collaboratively, to learn leadership, and to learn the value of serving.  That child will be respected as he or she respects others, respects the teacher, and respects learning.  Character and compassion are rocks that will help a child succeed in school, work, family, and life.  When we focus our questions on character and compassion, our children learn what is important to us and those qualities become important to our children.

Grade cards give glimpses of how a child is doing in school.  They are good tools to recognize potential areas of need if things aren't working.  They help you have a sense of how your child is learning the educational objectives that are being assessed.  But, normally they don't give a lot of information on the important long term skills with people and a mindset of growth. It is our job as parents to make sure our children know what we value and to make sure that what we value is of prime importance. You will probably have to ask questions to find out about characteristics that are important, but not found on the reports.

Even if you missed parent and teacher conferences or you don't have them, how about a note to your child's teacher asking how your son or daughter is treating people?  And, what kind of attitude he or she has toward work and learning?  Avoid the little details of a point here or there and make a big deal out of love and trying. Let your child know you are checking these things.  This approach will pay off in the long run.  I hope you will enjoy the freedom of a focus on kindness and effort and are refreshed as you watch the results.

Dagwood's Dream

Following a dream takes courage.  Dagwood has been in the same office job and carpool for a long, long time!  He is avoiding pursuing his dream, it would change his world.  He has a dream inside, but wants to keep eating pizza undisturbed.

God put ideas in Jeremiah's heart that needed to come out:

"Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire

Shut up in my bones;

And I am weary of holding it in,

And I cannot endure it."

--Jeremiah 20:9

Jeremiah was mocked and beaten for saying what was inside him, but let it out anyway.  Dagwood doesn't want his dreams let out, life would change.

Dream pursuit is frightening.  Life changes.  And, lives are changed.

How do we help our children have the courage to pursue God planted dreams?  Give them a view of the world bigger than themselves and a home to think about what they see.  Let them know that God is calling them to follow dreams that are just for them.  Let's not be afraid of the tender spots and passions that God puts inside them, but help them discern and develop those ideas.  Let's trust a trustworthy God that His call on them is good.  It may be hard, but it is good.

Real life isn't about eating pizza.

"Yoda, There is Try"

A few nights ago, Dana was out for the evening.  After making one of my favorite alone meals of fish sticks and beans, I pulled out our VHS copies of the original Star Wars trilogy and enjoyed some great memories and movies.  Still love it!

But, I did catch Yoda hurting the whole braveheart idea.

Yoda tells Luke, “Do, or do not.  There is no try.”  

Yoda was wrong.  In his effort to stop using “I tried” as an excuse for a half-hearted effort, Yoda may have ruined a generation who think they can go from fear and mediocrity to success and greatness without trying and the messy in-between part.  A generation that is misled to think that you either have it or your don't.

 To be successful in real life and not the movies, “try” and its companion risk of failure are real, demanding effort and courage.  Expecting success to come without the messiness of fears and possibility of failure isn’t real.  No one goes from “don’t do” to “do” without the courage to try, because “do” is not a gift or accomplished by a dream.  Waiting until you are sure you can “do” before trying keeps a lot of children in the bleachers and out of the game.  Waiting until you know you can "do" leaves out the value of growth and developing abilities.

Yoda promoted an unrealistic jump to achievement where the importance of trying is left out.  Many children don't succeed because they are stuck in bad spots where they don't try for different reasons.  Some have given up.  They feel like they can never make anyone happy, so why try?  Some have no purpose, they have found nothing outside themselves worth their energy.  Some don’t try because they think the fine life will be handed to them.  Others look around their small world and have no hope or think they have no ability.  It is a travesty for children to be stuck, without the courage to try.

But, our children don’t need to be stuck in a bad spot.  They can learn courage and be bravehearts.  And succeed. They can know you believe in them, that they are gifted, and that they have a great God they can trust. They can have courage to try, even if Yoda says there is no try.

I Believe in You

I believe in you.

I know these are living words that seep into your being.

I know they will give you courage because someone is for you.

I know all children need to feel that mom and dad believe in them.

I know how sad it is when you feel alone.

I believe in you.

Not because you are perfect, you are not.

Not because you will always love me back, you will not.

Not because you are better than someone else, you are not.

Not because you did something, it is a gift.

I believe in you.

"Come now, and I will send you to Pharaoh."  "But...who am I?" "I will be with you."

"I have appointed you a prophet." "I do not know how to speak and am a youth." "Do not be afraid."
"Do not look at his appearance...God sees not as man sees."  "The youngest is tending the sheep." "Send for him."
"Now God granted Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the commander."
"For I am the least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle because I persecuted the church."
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

I believe in  you.
Because you are mine, a trust God has placed in my hands for a time.
Because I am yours, I will be here for you and you can count on me.
Because you are gifted and called.
Because you are created for good works.
Because God loves you and gave His son for you.
Because I love you and nothing you can do will ever rattle my love, you are my child.

I believe in you.
I will do my best to be there for you.
I will do my best to hold you when you need held and let you go when you need wings.
I will do my best to tell you that you are a rebel, saved by grace.
I will do my best to tell you that you are saved by grace and gifted for a reason.
I will do my best to love you enough to discipline and to teach you eternity.

I believe in you.
You are God's child, prepared for good works.
Go and be.  I will be here to catch you.  I will be here to watch you fly.

Leading our Children through Fear

Sometimes it seems the hardest part of growing a braveheart is showing our children how to be brave and then giving them permission to use their courage when we can't protect them. Below is an excerpt from Donald Miller's recent blog, "Leaders Lead People Through Fear." Replace "leader" with "parent" (parents really are leaders, anyway) and get a sense of how we can lead our children through fear.

Here is the excerpt (with a link to the whole blog at the bottom):

Donald Miller

"I reminded my friend in an e-mail this morning that sometimes leading just means being out front, going to the places very few people are willing to go. But the cool thing about leaders is they show the rest of us that the path is scary but ultimately safe.

"As I e-mailed him, I thought about the few times I’ve gone through haunted houses with friends. For whatever reason, I sometimes feel like I need to be the guy out front. You know, the guy turning the corners first, feeling the walls, trying to find my way through the maze in the dark. But I assure you, I’m not feeling all that brave up there. I’m feeling terrified, to tell you the truth.

"Leading is like that sometimes. You’ve got a gaggle of screaming, giggling friends behind you, afraid of their demons, afraid of addressing their wounds, afraid of getting real about their coping mechanisms, and they’re looking for a shirt to cling to, somebody to bump into when the line suddenly stops because a guy just jumped out of a closet with a chain saw. They’re looking for somebody to scream with and to grab them and keep them from falling down. They’re looking for somebody to move them quickly through the room they’re in into the next room, the one that holds yet another challenge.

"To those of you who lead, I’ll tell you what I’m telling myself these days, and it’s the same thing I told my friend.

"The trick to leading a group through a haunted house is knowing the scary stuff can’t actually kill you. The management won’t let them.

"It’s the same with all the scary stuff we have to deal with, all the fear of abandonment and loneliness and wounds we have to address. They aren’t allowed to kill us. Sure we might feel some fear, and a lot of it. But in the end (even if it kills our earthly bodies) we don’t die. We just come through the other side with a knowledge we faced our fears, and we got out of that haunted house alive, our screaming and giggling friends in tow.

"If you’re a leader, just know you’re supposed to be a little afraid. And you’re supposed to be taking some people with you. And nobody can actually kill you in this thing. All they can do is yell boo. Be brave".

Click here for more of Donald Miller's blog.