Fifth Grade Fears

Bigger fears for children or parents?

It was around fifth grade that Donald Crank and I began making Creepy Crawlers. We took advantage of the creeping fears that are pretty common around fifth grade, especially with girls who didn't like finding plastic snakes in their seats!

What we didn't know was that fears were often greater for our parents than the ones we had.

Beginning somewhere near fifth grade, adolescence starts interfering with the good thing parents have going. Children start changing, getting ready to move into adulthood. They want new situations and new people. We don't have the control we had and simplicity of life is swallowed up with increasing change. Sometimes we just want to stop it, to keep our children the way they are.

Can you relate to Mary's comments when Jesus was twelve? "Son, why have you treated us this way? Your father and I have been anxiously looking for you." If Mary was anxious about Jesus, maybe there is something to our concerns.

The problem is that our fears untamed hurt our children.

Two things can happen if our fears drive us to keep our children close and protected when they are ready to move out of our eyesight and beyond our reach.

Somehow we made it!

First, our fears can teach our children to be afraid."If mom is so afraid to let me walk through Target alone or spend the night at a friends, maybe I should be afraid, too." A child who learns to be afraid of normal life in early adolescence will have a hard time facing more life when it comes. And, it will come.

Second, children held too tightly can rebel. We might hold them tight for a while, but some will have a hard time containing their growth if we don't give them room. Our fears can drive our children away, physically or emotionally. If we hold them too tight for too long, they will lose respect and look for wisdom about life from someone else.

Now you might be really scared! But, relax. Millions and millions of parents have helped their adolescents make it and have turned their own fears into convictions to help their children enter adolescence in healthier ways.

If you are afraid, I hope you can settle your fears with faith, knowledge, and a plan. But, while ending fear, you still should not let go of the need to wisely navigate your child through adolescence. As you probably already feel, it is the wrong time to just give children total freedom, especially in a culture that creeps into places that used to be safe and invades the sanctuary of home.There is no magic switch when a child is ready to be on their own, not in fifth grade, not starting high school, and not at sixteen. They need you, not to be afraid, but to wisely guide and and prepare them for bigger slices of life on their own, until they are ready to go.

After Mary told twelve-year-old Jesus her anxiety, Jesus came with Joseph and Mary and "continued in subjection to them." And, "Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men."

Notice that Jesus did it, not Mary. She couldn't. And shouldn't. Jesus kept increasing in responsibility after twelve years old. The same should happen today. Children should increase in their responsibility for their minds, their bodies, their relationship with God, and their relationships with others. Parents should decrease, still with a watchful and wise eye to guide and teach, but not control and do.

How do we do that? How do you help children increase in their responsibility, without fears stopping you?

Let me suggest these, as a beginning:

1. Know you are in the business of risk management, not reaction to emotions. Check out "Managing Risk for Life's Adventures," a post from March 28, 2011. Wisely assessing and planning for risk will help you turn fears into positive actions.

Bigger boxes of life.

2. Know your goal and build toward it. I am sure your goal is to help your children become men and women, not stay children. What sort of men and women? I hope pleasing to God and using the gifts God has given them. With courage. Keep working on how to give your children "bigger boxes" of life. Teach them, then let them try. Review what happened, and do it again with a bigger box, with more freedom and responsibility.

3. Learn about adolescence. For example, I stumbled on this quote from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: "Adolescents take risks to test and define themselves. Risk-taking is both beneficial and harmful. It can lead to situations where new skills are learned and new experiences can prepare them for future challenges. Risk-taking serves as a means for discovery about oneself, others and the larger world. The natural and normative proclivity for risk-taking plays a central role in adolescent development, making it a time of both great potential and great vulnerability." This is a good article using brain research.

4. Give them a safety net. Let your children do normal things, but prepare them for problems. Talk about what happens if they are at some one's house and things go bad; give them a code word so they can secretly call for rescue.  And, let them use you as the bad guy, "My dad said I need to come home." Talk through the situation they are getting ready to do, practice the words they may need to say, and review the options for help. Then let go.

5. Work on your faith. Risk is real in growing. There is danger. But, we have a great God who is sovereign and loves your child more than you do. Hard things are how we grow. Help your child have slices of life that are increasingly large and hard, as your care shifts from protection to prayer.

Between Mary's anxious moment and Jesus becoming a man, she "treasured all these things in her heart." May you learn to treasure the moments between twelve and launching instead of being blinded by fears. You will have a treasure chest full of memories to enjoy for years,when the time comes for your child to leave.

Getting Back On

If you fall off a horse, you are supposed to get right back on.

I didn't fall off. But, I dismounted from writing Bravehearts and haven't been back on for almost three months. My main ministry work has been deep and wide, so I have been riding that horse more than normal.

I tried to get back on this one after three or four weeks and failed. I had ideas. But, I didn't think they were good enough. And, the longer I was off, the better I thought I had to be. The harder it got to get back on.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell you that. And, to get back on this horse. Braveheart, the courage to try, is too important to not get back. Parents are told to not let their children lose heart in Colossians 3:21. A child who has lost heart gives up and doesn't try. That child never develops the gifts God has given him or her. Every child should have the opportunity to become and do what God offers. A brave heart to try makes the difference.

I learned some braveheart lessons about getting back on the horse. Maybe they will help:

First, it is true. If you fall off, get back on as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it gets and the more courage it takes. Doing good things, like kindness to a lonely person, hard school work, and training for athletics all become harder the longer you are away. If something interrupts doing good and right things, help your child get back to it as quickly as possible.

Second, the longer it takes, the more doubts you have. You begin to wonder if it was worth it. You begin to wonder if the hole got too big to fill. You begin to wonder what people will think. The longer you wait, the more courage it takes to come back, to overcome doubts and weaknesses that have crept in. Help your child talk about the doubts and don't let doubts determine the future. Help him or her know that coming back is a big part of a successful life. Help your child make a plan with manageable steps. Give hope.

Third, pick the right horse. Some horses might not be worth getting back on. Or, not a good fit. But, if it is the right horse or activity or relationship, it is worth whatever it takes to get back. Help your child know what is important and good, and ride those horses, even if he or she falls off sometimes. A conversation yesterday with a reader of Building Bravehearts helped me remember the value. Passion for the right things gives courage to try. It helped me.

May God help you raise a child who has the courage to try, to use and become what God has offered.

Les Miserables

I was transfixed by Les Miserables. I couldn't even eat my snacks, I almost felt like munching would have been disrespectful. I still haven't figured out why. I know some who hated the film. I guess I didn't hate it because it was more than a film to me,

It did something to me.

I am not a huge fan of musicals.To be honest, I didn't even know Les Miserables was a musical until ten minutes before the show and Kristie's friend told me.

Something happened. I still haven't sorted it out. Grace? Redemption? The hurt of thinking you are following God's will by demanding the rules and then grace forcing the issue to a breaking point? The people in the movie I seem to know and am so close to being the same?

All I can lift out of the pile of gold right now is Jean Valjean's repeated question, "Who am I?"

Who am I?

How did Jean Valjean have the courage to go places others didn't go, to give time and even his life? What made him brave to rescue Marius, without Cosette knowing? How did he have the strength to free Javert, the one person who could ruin him?

Who am I?

The answer lies somewhere in answering this. It is the same place for you and me. For our children. How does anyone have the courage to do ridiculous things like adopt a prostitute's child? Like disregarding personal danger to rescue another? Like loving the unlovely?

"Who am I?" is the major question adolescents must answer, according to Erik Erikson. Identity development being one of his stages of growth and development, an answer that lets you move on in life. "Who am I?" is as relevant in real life as in Les Miserables.

"He gave me hope when hope was gone,
He gave me strength to  journey on."

Who was Jean Valjean? A sinner, even though the sin that got him in trouble was stealing bread to feed poor relatives. But, he knew when he took the candlesticks of a gracious priest, he knew then that his heart was dark.

But, Jean Valjean was rescued by grace. That grace changed him. He began to pour grace on others, to love. While remaining a sinner, he was changed, changed by grace and giving grace. There is confusion even today for the sinner who is saved by grace, because the struggle of who I really am continues.

Who was Jean Valjean? What did he know about himself, in spite of his constant confusion, that gave him the courage to do great things in lives?

He knew he was a sinner. But, he knew he was rescued and given a new life by grace.
He simply wanted to give that grace to someone else because of what was given him.
He risked the good life, and life itself, to love others in need.
He had courage to do right when others didn't because he knew what had been done for him.

May our children know their darkness. And, that God gives grace putting sin far away through Jesus. That God will rescue them and change them. The greatness of that grace.
May that reality be theirs and give them the courage to love because of what is done for them, as Jean Valjean did.

Who am I? A sinner, saved by grace, like Jean Valjean.
Now what?

"We love, because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

Leaping Faith

Courage and faith are inextricably linked. They are tangled together.

What are we trusting for our courage?

Courage is faith in action. 
Faith fuels courage.

Courage needs a leap of faith.
Leaping faith becomes courage.

When was the last time you needed courage? I bet it was a time when you didn't know how things would turn out. Or, you knew your next step could hurt you or make life harder in some way.

There was risk. There always is, or there would be no need for courage. If all of the details are planned so that the results turn out just the way you want, there is no reason for courage. No reason for faith.

Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we have control of our lives and our children's lives, that we can put all of the details together like an algebraic equation and get the right answer every time. We might pull this off occasionally, or think we did. But, in a messy world with people the way they are (including us!) and powers we cannot see, a contained system that works the way we plan isn't real. We need courage. We need faith.

To help our children face the world, to enter into relationships and experiences that are rich and real and growing, they will need faith. They will need to trust. Trying out for a team, starting a new school year, asking a friend over, standing against evil...the list goes on and on. Each of these can be frightening and each is risky. Each requires faith to step or leap to the next spot.

Faith, belief, trust...they need an object, something in which they believe. A key role in parenting is to show and teach children how to trust and in what to trust. Courage to try, courage to risk, flow from a strong faith.

We can teach our children to have faith in a lot of things:

We could teach our children to put their faith in money or plans or bad advice, intentionally or without thinking. Fleeting objects of faith at best.

They can learn to trust us--catch them when they jump in your arms! Then when we tell them what they should do that is hard, they know they can count on us, at least as far as humanly possible.

The can have faith in an idea that touches lives, like democracy, and sacrifice time and life with courage.

They can believe that a risky action is worth the consequences for something they value, like an adventure trip or protecting their family.

They can have faith in the living God, who loves them, is powerful, and who rescues them and fits all things together for good for those who love Him. The ultimate object of faith.

What little steps of faith are you teaching them, so they can have bigger ones? Which objects of faith are they learning from us so they can have the faith to be courageous for important things?

Courage for the Dark Trail

Did you know that a rabbit's eyes are red when a light shines on them in the dark? But, a deer's eyes are bright green? At least I hope it was a rabbit and deer in the woods while I was walking not long ago!

My new headlamp let me walk in the deep dark. On the trail where I have walked a thousand times. But which looks very different at 6:00 in the morning in October. Things I have never seen or felt before and a lot of things I could not see, like eyes without bodies and whatever else might be standing inches from me. Elevated senses and jabs of fear were new, in the dark.

My headlamp gave me courage to walk boldly forward.

It took some adjusting. How far out should it shine? At my feet, a couple of car lengths, or as far as it could reach?

I found that a couple of car lengths was about right. Enough light to place my feet. Enough to feel secure that I wasn't sharing the trail or its proximity with a monster ready to pounce. And, if I set the light too far, I didn't get enough light up close to see small items like snakes, turtles, and rocks. Not pleasant to step on those.

Two car lengths of light let me have the courage to move boldly and quickly, confident in my safety and free from danger in my steps.

We can give our children courage by helping them see some things, helping them look far enough ahead that they have confidence in the next steps. Looking ahead with them and planning is like a light on the trail, they can put down their feet and anticipate the near future. Young children can learn to think through the next few minutes, elementary to talk about what is going to happen today or this week in school or with family, and teenagers can look even further, thinking of months and years. Most children crave knowing what lies ahead, as do adults, so they can prepare mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is frightening to go into an hour or a day or a year and see nothing except red and green eyes shining out of the darkness. Help them see and plan, within our human limitations. Sit down with them and talk about today, or look at a calendar together. Or a road map on a trip. Help them prepare so they have courage and can do their best.

Obviously, our headlamps only shine so far and don't show everything that might jump in front of us. Learning to know that God is in control gives courage when things change and to walk past the limits of our eyes. Proverb 16:9 reminds us that "the mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Learning to look ahead is an important courage-giving skill for children, but an even greater life changer is that God is in control, even of our plans. I am so glad of that!

As we help our children look ahead, and trust God, let's not forget to use God's "headlamp." Psalm 119:105 says: "They word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path." As we understand His word, we see our path more clearly than anything we can create. He gives light and lights our path, step by step.

Take aways?
1. Help our children look ahead so they aren't afraid of the eyes glowing out of the dark. Help them prepare and plan, an important skill for giving courage to take the next step.
2. Know God is in control. Things will change, but He is never surprised and He takes care of His children.
3. Use God's word to light your path and your child's path, a lamp they can always depend on.

The courage to try depends on these.

What a Child Needs

Protection, Relationship, Discipline, and Failure

I am not sure if we have a good understanding of what a child needs.

Or, if we really know and it's just hard to deliver.

I think we know. I think it is hard to deliver.

In his excellent 2012 book, How Children Succeed, Paul Tough does a good job summarizing what a child needs by applying research results to his son:

"First, as much as possible, you protect him from serious trauma and chronic stress; then, even more important, you provide him with a secure, nurturing relationship with at least one parent, and ideally two. That's not the whole secret to success, but it is a big, big part of it."

Let's stop there. I understand this, but how do I do it?

What creates trauma and chronic stress in homes? Not war, right now. Family dysfunction? Mom and dad at odds? Constant pressure to perform? Chronic stress is not only a killer of physical health, but thwarts a child's success. Some things we can't control, like health loss. But what can we control to prevent chronic stress? Certainly our own emotions, with God's help. What else?

And, even more, a secure, nurturing relationship with a parent, ideally two. Are we too distracted to make sure each child has a secure relationship? Are we too unsettled ourselves to provide a secure relationship? Can we give up our own interests enough to take the time to build a real relationship with each child? It costs. It is worth it. And, it is a pleasure, which only gets better over years.

Tough goes on with the third and fourth:

"He also needed discipline, rules, limits; someone to say no." It is hard work to consistently discipline. Our job isn't to make our children happy or be their friend, but to make them great people. Loving, consistent discipline now makes the future easier and allows for positive, joyful relationships as time goes by.

Last: "And what he needed more than anything was some child-size adversity, a chance to fall down and get back up on his own, without help."

A braveheart!

For some reason, this might be the hardest for many of us. Tough thinks so:

"This was harder for Paula and me--it came less naturally to us than the hugging and comforting--and I know that it is just the beginning of the long struggle we face, as all parents do, between our urge to provide everything for our children, to protect him from all harm, and our knowledge that if we really want him to succeed, we need to first let him fail. Or more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure. This idea--the importance of learning how to deal with and learn from your own failures--is a common thread in many chapters of this book."

1. Protect from trauma and chronic stress.
2. Give a secure relationship with a parent.
3. Discipline, rules, limits, "no."
4. Let him fail and learn to manage failure.

Which is hardest for you?
I do think we know the basics.
I think they are hard to deliver, day after day, year after year.
All through childhood, adolosence, and teen years.
It is only by God's grace and power that we do these.

A beginning point is to know the list. And, to know that, for our children to succeed, we may need to change ourselves and some things in our lives.

It is hard work.
It pays off.
It is worth it.

Courage, the Most Important Virtue

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality."  C.S. Lewis in Screwtape Letters

A few weeks ago, John Stonestreet (of the Chuck Colson Center and Summit Ministries) shared with our faculty. As John helped us better understand biblical worldview, he landed on the importance of courage in the lives of our children.

Here are a few of Stonestreet's comments:
* Being human means to be courageous, not just know truth but courageous to use it.
* To raise children to make right decisions and not just know the truth requires courage; "It is by his deeds that a lad makes himself known if his conduct is pure and right" (Proverbs 20:11).
* In the classic virtues, courage allowed the others to exist.
* Children want to be courageous and we offer them video games.
* A biblical worldview makes a right decision when in a tough spot, which takes courage.
* A biblical worldview is not just thought out but is lived out.
* A biblical worldview is not primarily expressed but embodied.

Stonestreet said that, "Dreams do not determine destiny; decisions determine destiny." It is courage that moves dreams and beliefs to decisions and action.

Reepicheep helps Eustace learn courage.

How do we create courage?  

Stonestreet suggests:
* Be aware that everything we do is forming children's souls; all education is worldview shaping.
* Teach habits. He quotes Aristotle: "So it is a matter of no little importance what sort of habits we form from the earliest age--it makes a vast difference, or rather all the difference in the world."
* Shift from entitlement to responsibility.
* Teach children to leave things better than they found them.
* Give children words to use in tough moments.

From the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, John explained how we can create courage in our children. In Dawn Treader, Eustace is a boy with no "chest," a boy who has not trained his emotions and is a victim of his feelings. He knows about ships but has never been on one.  He has never been taught about dragons!

Stonestreet says that children should know two things about dragons:
1. They exist.
2. They can be beaten.

In Dawn Treader, help comes from an unlikely source. Reepicheep, the mouse, has courage. He mentors Eustace. He helps Eustace by stripping away the dragon flesh and shows that Eustace has grown a chest.We need to mentor our children to defeat dragons. And, celebrate their courage.

Stonestreet says that our children must:
1. Know what is true and good (not just right from wrong).
2. Practice what is true and good (weight lifters don't get strong without the practice of lifting weights).
3. Learn and practice repentance, a way to actively follow Jesus with courage instead of being passive.

John Stonestreet

We need to teach our children how to defeat dragons. We need to put them on boats and teach courage so they can put ideas into action.

Thanks to John Stonestreet for his thoughts.

John suggested these sites to help us:
Center for Parent/Youth Understanding
Summit Ministries
Breakpoint