Fixing Overload Failure in Children

“I have found that the most dangerous disability is not any formally diagnosable condition like dyslexia or ADD. It is fear.”

Edward Hallowell says that fear of mishandling the large number of normal daily inputs is a major reason that gifted people don’t perform (in a 2005 Harvard Business Review article called “Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform"). He continues: “Fear shifts us into survival mode and thus prevents fluid learning and nuanced understanding. Certainly, if a real tiger is about to attack you, survival is the mode you want to be in. But, if you're trying to deal intelligently with a subtle task, survival mode is highly unpleasant and counterproductive."

Hallowell explains that gifted leaders become so overloaded with inputs, information, and needs that their brain goes from an orderly and creative approach controlled by the frontal lobes to a survival mode of the lower brain characterized by “fear, anxiety, impatience, irritability, anger, or panic.” This overload creates a situation where the person “is robbed of his flexibility, his sense of humor, his ability to deal with the unknown. He forgets the big picture and the goals and values he stands for. He loses creativity and his ability to change plans. He desperately wants to kill the metaphorical tiger.”

The same thing happens to our children when they can't handle, as Hallowell says, “the hyperkinetic environment in which we live…Never in history has the human brain been asked to track so many data points. Everywhere, people rely on their cell phones ,email, and digital assistants in the race to gather and transmit data, plans, and ideas faster and faster…As the human brain struggles to keep up, it falters…” Our children are faced with the same overload, but with less maturity to handle it.

(This overload is subtle and pernicious. Without thinking, I just clicked to my email to read a response from one of six notes I sent earlier for work. And today is a vacation day!)

Hallowell suggests four approaches to either stop or control the overload. They are good ones to incorporate into our parenting, as we help our children reduce fear from our stimulated world so they can grow and live freely in the world of learning, creativity, and courage.

1.  "Promote positive emotions" by "building a positive, fear-free emotional atmosphere."  A critical role for parents is to make home a positive, supportive place; it is a hard world out there, even in First Grade.  Physical contact and relationship are essential; make time for them.  Let's start by turning off screens and their inputs and replacing them with people, play, and creative places in our homes.

2.  "Take physical care of your brain with sleep, good diet, and exercise."  Children should never suffer or do less than they can because of an adult's lack of attention in this area. The basics are so important.  Let's make sure our children sleep and rest enough, eat foods that are healthy and that maintain steady glucose levels (not white breads, sugars, and power drinks), take vitamins, and exercise regularly.

3.  Develop strategies that help handle the overload.  For adults and children, have chunks of the day when email and videos are banned.  Don't use screens as the default in parenting, make screens the exception. Create a neat space; your office or a child's room can be messy, but there should be a clear place somewhere.  Help your child organize and prioritize needs rather than adding unnecessary burdens or getting frustrated when they aren't done well.  Give your children an atmosphere for work that works for them.

4.  "Protect your frontal lobes by staying out of survival mode all you can."  Guard your children's inputs and stressors, reducing the ones you can and helping them sort out the others with a plan.  Give them chunks of time when they don't have to experience the pressure or inputs.  Do things like play games or read books that require their total concentration on one thing so they can forget all the inputs except the one pleasant one they are doing.

You might want to look at Dr. Hallowell's site Crazy Busy for ideas on being busy, Don't Miss Your Life for ideas on getting inputs and fears under control, and 45 Things about life in the workplace (the picture above is from this site).

Or, even better, memorize Philippians 4:6 with your child, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which passes all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Maybe study Jesus' life together and how he handled pressures and crowds.  And model for your children, "Cease striving and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

What does all of the input our children absorb do to them? Let me end with this quote from Luke's Commonplace Book, originating with Agatha Christie: "I suppose it’s because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas."  How do we help our children control fear and its consequences from the overload?

An Update on Braveheart Progress

Thanks for helping Building Bravehearts grow from an idea to toddler hood.  Building Bravehearts blog began about a year ago and is one part of a vision to help every child succeed by developing the courage to try.  After digging into ideas, listening to stories, and watching young people grow, I am more convinced than ever that building "heart" deserves our attention if we want our children to become who and what they are meant to be.  Courage, in the big and small of life, makes a difference.

Below is an annual update of where we are and where we are going.

Building Bravehearts blog has been a place to serve families and develop ideas at the same time.  From nothing to almost 5,000 reads this year isn't a lot compared to many blogs, but a steady start.  We at least beat the average life span of a blog which is 126 days!

Book work on Bravehearts goes in spurts, as does some of the blog, usually tied to energies at my "day job" of principal.  A few months ago, a handful of editors and agents saw a book proposal and gave positive remarks and suggestions.  I have taken their helpful comments and am in the middle of a revised proposal and chapter writing.

Lord willing, in the months straight ahead we will begin Braveheart seminars, a three-hour presentation for parents about raising their own Bravehearts.  The three segments are:
1. "Braveheart Success" in which parents discover the connection between heart and success in a world of fears.
2. "Keeping Heart" where parents learn how to keep heart in their children by understanding the heart that children have, modeling trust, supportive parenting, cooperating with the Creator, and creating passion.
3. "Restoring Heart" helps parents find out how to restore a heart that is lost.

We will be exploring other ways to share the Braveheart ideas such as articles and presentations to educators on the importance of heart in learning and how to develop them in a school context.

Your insights, questions, and prayers are welcome!

Thank you.
Joe Neff

Dad's Courage

If you read through Braveheart blogs, you'll find a recurring theme:  the power of parents who model courage to their children.  No matter what we want our children to become, "do as I do" has a lot more impact on our children than "do as I say." That's a little frightening, isn't it?  Our children are watching.

Leslie Neff

As we move beyond the cards and grilled steaks of Father's day, I hope that we can do what my Dad did for me.  Even though he didn't always know it, I watched him a lot.  And I learned. He moved on to life with God over two years ago, but his impact on me still makes a difference every day.

From an outside look, Dad wasn't a world changer.  He worked as a machinist, lived in a modest home in Arizona, and managed to enjoy fishing and hunting as much as he could squeeze in while working and fulfilling his responsibilities.  But, the leap he made from a farm in rural Kentucky to the end of his life was over a gap that took more courage than I will ever muster.  He modeled courage to me.

I hope that when my children and your children look back they can say that they learned courage from us, courage to be bravehearts for the right things.  Here are some ways Dad modeled courage:

* He married my Mom, when he could have left her alone with child--me!  He had the courage to do the right thing instead of leaving.

* He sold everything he had and moved from his beloved Kentucky home to Arizona to help my Mom's health.  He pulled one small U-Hall behind his truck and gave up all he knew to do the right thing.

* He had the courage to give my sister and me a big vision, a vision for a life different than he had known.  His life wasn't bad at all, but he was bold to give us something new and big.

* He had the courage to quit smoking.  When he decided it was wrong, that was it. Courage and strength to decide what was right and do it without complaint and without turning back.

* He had the courage to serve my Mom for decades of illness, giving up his dreams to be at her side twice a day in her nursing home.  He had the courage to show how Jesus loves us.

* He had the courage to humble himself in his last couple of years on earth and let Jesus change him in ways that surprised me.  Sitting and talking on our porch in his last visit to us, I hardly knew this man who had God's grip on him.

My dad didn't talk much about these things, he just showed me.  That has made all the difference.  May you and I have such an impact on our children through our lives.

A Call for Christian Risk

When I began Building Bravehearts, I decided that I wanted the bulk of blogs to be original.  But, I have bumped into other folks who have something strong to say about helping you raise your child with courage.

John Piper

Below is an almost ten year old article by John Piper that is so relevant, about the need for risk and courage.  It underscores the importance of intentionally raising bravehearts who become the people God wants and are free to love His way.

Pipers thoughts:

"For the followers of Jesus the final risk is gone. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). "Neither death nor life . . . will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 3:38-39). "Some of you they will put to death. . . . But not a hair of your head will perish" (Luke 21:16, 18). "Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live" (John 11:25).

"When the threat of death becomes a door to paradise the final barrier to temporal risk is broken. When a Christian says from the heart, "To live is Christ and to die is gain," he is free to love no matter what. Some forms of radical Islam may entice martyr-murderers with similar dreams, but Christian hope is the power to love, not kill. Christian hope produces life-givers, not life-takers. The crucified Christ calls his people to live and die for their enemies, as he did. The only risks permitted by Christ are the perils of love. "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you" (Luke 6:27-28).

"With staggering promises of everlasting joy, Jesus unleashed a movement of radical, loving risk-takers. "You will be delivered up even by parents . . . and some of you they will put to death" (Luke 21:16). Only some. Which means it might be you and it might not. That's what risk means. It is not risky to shoot yourself in the head. The outcome is certain. It is risky to serve Christ in a war zone. You might get shot. You might not.

"Christ calls us to take risks for kingdom purposes. Almost every message of American consumerism says the opposite: Maximize comfort and security - now, not in heaven. Christ does not join that chorus. To every timid saint, wavering on the edge of some dangerous gospel venture, he says, "Fear not, you can only be killed" (Luke 12:4). Yes, by all means maximize your joy! How? For the sake of love, risk being reviled and persecuted and lied about, "for your reward is great in heaven" (Matthew 5:11-12).

"There is a great biblical legacy of loving risk-takers. Joab, facing the Syrians on one side and the Ammonites on the other, said to his brother Abishai, "Let us be courageous for our people . . . and may the LORD do what seems good to him" (2 Samuel 10:12). Esther broke the royal law to save her people and said, "If I perish, I perish" (Esther 4:16). Shadrach and his comrades refused to bow down to the king's idol and said, "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us . . . But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods" (Daniel 3:16-18). And when the Holy Spirit told Paul that in every city imprisonment and afflictions await him, he said, "I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course" (Acts 20:24).

"Every Christian," said Stephen Neil about the early church, "knew that sooner or later he might have to testify to his faith at the cost of his life" (A History of Christian Missions, Penguin, 1964, p. 43). This was normal. To become a Christian was to risk your life. Tens of thousands did it. Why? Because to do it was to gain Christ, and not to was to lose your soul. "Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 16:25).

"In America and around the world the price of being a real Christian is rising. Things are getting back to normal in "this present evil age." Increasingly 2 Timothy 3:12 will make sense: "All who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." Those who've made gospel-risk a voluntary life-style will be most ready when we have no choice. Therefore I urge you, in the words of the early church, "Let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come" (Hebrews 13:13-14).

"When God removed all risk above
He loosed a thousand risks of love."


By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org
May 29, 2002

Peeking at the Eye Chart

A few days ago I went for my annual eye doctor visit.  The nurse had me look through machines that took pictures of my retina, scanned the cornea, and flashed lights for me to watch.  Then we came to the electronic version of the traditional eye chart.  Without my contacts, I didn't recognize the big E at first.  I am thankful for eye doctors!

As the nurse had me read different letters with one eye at a time, she told me that children often peek with both eyes so they can tell her the right letter.  They are more interested in getting the answer right than following her directions.  Their attempts to "cheat" were often humorous and she was on top of it.

These children had learned that getting the "right" answer is most important.  And, they will break the rules to get there.

This happens with children in school.  Many just want to get the "right" answer, get the grade, and move on without the deeper values gained from applying themselves.  Real learning with deep benefit takes more time and work than just coming up with the right multiple choice letter for the current quiz.  The hard work of growing that leads to real success is shorted by the student who just tries to get the right answer down.

Somewhere along the way the growing process has given way to the shortcut.  Its true in education.  Its also true in things like relationships and business.  This tendency has been around along time.  The Pharisees did it.  Here is part of a parable Jesus told in Luke 18:

"The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: God, I thank you that I am not like other people:  swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get"

The Pharisee missed the point.  He created a little grade card and gave himself A's for fasting and tithes.  He thought he was righteous ("right"!).  Jesus said that the Pharisee would not be justified because "everyone who exalts himself will be humbled."  It isn't about getting the grade, its about what happens deeply inside.

There is pain and pleasure in the growing process.  A braveheart has the courage to go through the process of hard work, risk taking, and perseverance, strengthening himself and laying the foundation for life time success.  Shortcuts don't work for becoming strong.

I worked in my yard last weekend for about four hours.  I got carried away pulling weeds, trimming hedges, fertilizing, and watering.  I was tired and sore.  But, I also felt great from the exercise and looked with pleasure on the work of my hands.  Because I took the time, I gained not only physically but in my joy.  While I could have paid someone to do the yard, my investment in the process helped me become stronger and brought me both pain and pleasure.  If I had paid to have it done, I would have examined the work to make sure it was done right, but I would not have gained in myself like I did through my investment in the work.

Bravehearts need to know that shortcuts usually don't help them in the long run.  Perseverance, tenacity, hard work, and investment produce growth and success.  Not finding the fastest way to get it right and move on.  Growing and real impact requires dedication and commitment, something a braveheart understands.

How can we help our children avoid the tendency to just get it done any way possible?  And, to learn the pleasure of a hard job well done, growing through the process?

As in most things, we can begin by being a good example.  What shortcuts do I take to get the checklist done, but give me superficial results without lasting impact or value?  Do we have places where we are expedient instead of investing?  How can I be an example of perseverance in work and relationships to create lasting value?  Example is always our first step.

Then this.  Work with your child.  If you are going to rake the leaves, have her help.  Have her learn that the process can be joyful and rich even if it is long and hard.  Have her fell the pain, but have her rejoice in the job well done and create memories of spending time together on a project.

I used to do house projects a lot, often so that the kids would learn that they can do things themselves.  I wanted them to learn that everything doesn't have to be paid for and that they can tackle all kinds of needs.  I invited them into the process.  Was it slower and sloppier having them help paint the bedroom wall?  I am sure you know the answer.  But, they learned.

Invite your children in the real world of work, without shortcuts.  Have them help garden, paint, wash the car, help with taxes.  And, do them together so you can teach, build relationship, and they can learn the joy of the process and the pleasure and gain of work well done. 

A good example.  Work together.  Great memories.  Powerful lessons.  It takes time and work on our part, but as in any process, the invested time and work in our children pays rich dividends, accompanied by some pain along the way and the pleasure of a job well done as you see them become bravehearts.

Mom and Prayer

My Mom, Helen, spent the last few years of her life in a nursing home.  Because of pain, she had a hard time reading, listening to music, or watching television.  She had lots of regular guests during the day because of her constant kindness and wanting to know how the other person was doing.  But, she still spent many hours laying quietly in her bed, hurting and seeming to do nothing.

During one of our visits, I asked mom what she did with her time.  Her quick and strong answer:  "I pray for you all and your families."

I knew then that much of my life has been impacted not by the things I do and see, but by the hidden world I don't see where the faithful prayer of a mother fits in God's plans and makes a difference in the world I see.  I knew when she died a couple of years ago that my family needed to step up our prayer for each other.  Our vigilant prayer warrior was gone.  Who knows the impact Mom had on our lives?  Who knows the impact of mothers who pray for their children?

When we have done what we can

"Sisyphus and Motherhood and Coffee"

I am convinced that it is in the routines, in the power of endless moments, that lives are shaped and bravehearts formed.  While big events may break bound hearts and open eyes, daily life shapes the pieces and fits them together. 

"Mama: Monk," Micha Hohorst, shares her life with little ones and the struggle for these moments in her most recent blog on April 28, "Sisyphus and Motherhood and Coffee".

If you are looking for a blog to follow about a mom raising her young children that is refreshing and real and beautiful, you might like to follow Mama: Monk.  I pass it on because building bravehearts is so much about those little, real investments that she is living.

Here is another sample from her March 29 post:

"When I started this blog, one of my deepest fears was whether or not God could ever be pleased with who I am: the simplicity of my life. I had always wanted to be a woman who rescued orphans and dug wells for the thirsty and sacrificed comfort for the sake of the broken. And instead I found myself a SAHM in the middle of comfortable America, my only suffering being my lack of a washer and dryer. What was I doing for the world? Sure, I believed God loved me, but could he really be proud of me? After all, despite the sacrifices all moms make, it wasn’t hard for me to love my kid. And that’s what I did…All. Day. Long."

"Since then, I’ve been a slow transition of my heart and mind. It’s not that I never knew God loved me, it’s simply that I’ve begun to believe it. I believe that when I practice the most mundane exercises of motherhood, I am living in God’s sweetness. I no longer hold fast to a version of God that has a Wall of Fame with his best and brightest smiling in frames. Instead, I rest in the reality that God adores me because I’m his, not because of what I contribute to his cause. Lord knows, even if I’d chosen an entirely different path, none of my striving could have landed me a spot on that Wall."

"So, as I went about my Monday, wiping baby Brooksie’s butt while August stood on a chair beside the changing table and laughed about poop, while I sat on the floor nursing while pretending to be Mater (the tow truck from the Cars movie), while I read stories and told August for the 18th time that it’s so sweet to kiss your brother but you have to be gentle with his head, I felt something new. It was God’s pleasure. God was being kind to me, not because I’ve earned a great place in the Kingdom of Awesomeness, but because I haven’t."

"There’s a verse in Zechariah (chapter 4, verse 10) that asks the question: “Who dares despise the day of small things?” I first discovered that question six years ago, when I was straight out of my MFA program and working as an administrator at a construction company. It was not the job I’d dreamed of doing. (My dream was to somehow have my poems discovered and to become a great poet who could then afford to build a lot of wells around the world.) So, I’d tell myself that I could find joy in filing work orders, organizing plans, and making phone calls to subcontractors who called me 'girl.' "

"And though that passage dwelled with me in that season, I feel more and more like it’s settling into my core. Yesterday was a day of the smallest of things: the survival of two children, their nourishment, their snuggles, the building of a foundation of love in their lives. Who despises that?"