Managing Risk for Life's Adventure





Whitewater rafting is dangerous, which is what makes it so much fun.  Dana and I sat overlooking the Seidel's Suckhole on the Arkansas River near Buena Vista, Colorado and watched rafts flip, a potentially life threatening event.  (You can see one video here: Seidel's Suckhole.)  Is it dangerous?  Yes.  Is there risk?  Yes.  But, there is risk with almost anything worthwhile.  The key is managing risk.

A prime parenting task is to teach our children how to manage risk.  For a five year old, it might be learning which streets to cross and how to do that safely--some streets aren't safe, ever.  Some crossings require knowledge and maturity a five year old just isn't ready for.  So much of life is in assessment, preparation, and facing risk.  Risk is everywhere, from the decision to let a toddler use a fork to teenage driving and dating to guys like me deciding whether to climb up on the roof to fix a shingle.  How do we manage risk in life so our children can be bravehearts?

The first step to good risk management is assessing the risk.  Is there "no real danger," "danger to manage," or "danger to avoid."  Making this decision isn't easy. Lying down to take a nap in your bed sounds like "no real danger."  Unless bed bugs have found a home there. Good risk assessment often involves using a lot of information, which is why we don't let ten year olds drive; wisdom of age, experience, and training make some things safe for some people but a danger to avoid for others.  We often practice risk assessment without really thinking about it, but intentional thought will help you make good decisions about risks, opening some doors and closing others.

The second step for risk management is preparation.  If a teenager is mature enough to drive, good training and practice will make it a "risk to manage" and doable.  The video of the rafts at Seidel's does not show what happens before and after the rapids to manage the risk.  Seidel's is safer than it looks for the customers of whitewater companies who have prepared well.  A video clip, a news story, or a rumor doesn't always give an accurate picture of risk because they focus on the danger and not the preparation that makes the risk safer.

While managing the risk appropriately did not originate with Noah's Ark Whitewater Rafting and Adventure Company(Noah's Ark Colorado Rafting), it is where I first saw it implemented well.  While other companies may manage risk by careful preparation, Noah's certainly has developed a strong plan for preparation that comes long before any dangerous rapids and prepares for safety after the rapids.

To minimize risk, the guides prepare intensively by studying books, then riding with others on the river and swimming the rapids to experience the danger first hand.  Then they row the rapids again and again until each is checked out by a supervisor before taking a commercial group in that section of the river.  They have learned to avoid dangerous situations.  And, they have practiced emergency situations like flipped and torn boats, know emergency aid, and organize their pods of boats so that newer guides are always under the watchful wings of experts who can help if needed.

If there was a Noah's Ark raft at Seidel's and the video looked down river, to the right, you would see Noah's Ark guides standing in the water with rescue lines and boats ready to help anyone in trouble.  Not only did they prepare to minimize risk before the rapids, but were ready to make it safe if there was a problem with help to get out.  Risk, yes.  But strong preparation with experience and a way out, if needed.  A solid approach to risk management for anything.  (For a video on Noah's rafting click here: Noah's Ark - Colorado Rafting video.)

Teaching a five year old to cross the street begins with maturity.  Then, preparation begins with verbal instruction followed by practice with mom or dad holding his hand.  Next, crossing while a parent watches beside the road.  Finally, a solo trip with a parent probably peeking out a window to make sure he gets to the neighbor's house.  Always ready to yell or rescue until the child has the practice and experience to do it alone.

Kristie

A few years ago, our daughter, Kristie, travelled for two months throughout Central America with another young lady, Hannah.  Our parental wisdom was questioned a few times by friends.  But, we had assessed the risk.  Kristie and Hannah had worked as river and mountain guides.  They had experience travelling to other countries and big cities, even organizing trips and being responsible for others.  They had a track record of making good decisions, knowing people, and being resourceful.

They had a plan.  And, a back up plan for safe homes and places if something didn't go right, which was good, because the first spot to stay for a week was a sustainable farm community that was so spooky they left after one day.  They followed Plan B, wading through miles of mud instead of waiting for the twice-a-week bus to get to a safe place. Kristie even dyed her hair dark to avoid being noticed because they had learned ahead of time about the common macho approach to girls from young men.  They prepared well.

The girls had maturity and experience.  They planned well and had backup plans.  The trip was wonderful, with rich stories after they made it home.  It was not entirely safe; the trip was risky.  But, what could we do as parents?  Deny the trip for which they had carefully prepared?  As Madeleine L'engle, author of A Wrinkle in Time, asks:  "But do we want unmarked children?  Are they to go out into the adult world all bland and similar and unscarred?  Is wrapping in cotton wool, literary or otherwise, the kind of guidance we owe them?"

Do we really want children who are safe but heartless, protected with padding we provide and shaded by the umbrella we carry over them, so they can watch the world happen?  The goal is to teach them to live an abundant life.  Good risk management makes living this adventure possible and allows bravehearts to grow.

Places for Boys

Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys makes the case that young men now live through an extended adolescence into their twenties.  I have caught myself writing more often about young braveheart women than young braveheart men.  Courageous girls have made strong strides in areas like leadership, business, athletics, war, and education, areas which more often belonged to men in the past.  Is something going on with young men?

In the Wall Street Journal, Kay Hymowitz, author of Manning Up says:  "What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete, even a little embarrassing."

Meg Meeker in Boys Should Be Boys adds, “But today that natural, healthy boyhood is under attack.  It is threatened by an educational establishment that devalues masculinity and boyishness, and not only by widely remarked societal changes including widespread divorce and the rise of single-parent households that deprive boys of the responsible fathers they need, but by a noxious popular culture that is as degrading to boys as it is dangerous to girls."

Are boys in trouble?  I don't think so.  But, it does seem that the traditional realms where boys developed faith and courage have become increasingly diminished or confused, perhaps causing boys to hold back.  Recently a boy wrestler forfeited his match in the state tournament because he would be wrestling a girl.  He said it was based on conviction, which is a legitimate reason.  But, I have also known boys who forfeited because wrestling a girl was a lose-lose situation.  If the boy wins, there is no honor in beating the girl. If he loses, there is ridicule, so why try?  Maybe there is some truth to the effect of braveheart girls on the growth of braveheart boys.

What to do?  Meg Meeker suggests this:  “The world of our sons is not the world we lived in when we were young.  Most boys can’t ride their bikes until sunset without worrying about being abducted.  The world has grown sad for our boys.  But the good news is:  we can bring them back.  We can reinstitute some of the joy of boyhood for them, and we can ease their pressures (even the ones we think are beneficial for them, like earning good grades to get into an Ivy League school) by giving them the freedom to be boys:  to simply enjoy pick-up games of basketball in their neighborhoods, to find that safe acreage of woods where they can hike and imagine, and to have that home library where classic adventure books await."

Andy Crouch tells about three places where we can find ourselves in Culture Making.  We can be in the "wilderness," which is hard to find anymore and is seriously dangerous if we don't take the proper cultural tools like maps and tents.  Or, we can be in the "theme park" where everything is done for us, there is no risk, you are never alone, and there is nothing to create or tend.  It is a made up world where danger is pretend and shallow fun trumps deep life.

And, then there is the Garden. "Though it is indeed sheltered, it is a place of ultimate moral seriousness because it is a place where the Creator himself, having provided all the essentials of the good life yet also having allowed risk and choice (how else can we explain the presence of the serpent?) withdraws for a time to allow the divine image bearers to fulfill their calling to culture, returning only to walk in the garden in the cool of the day."

Where do our young men need to use faith and courage, places and situations where they can be boys and men?  Where is their Garden? Away from the fake life of video games and reality television to real risk and meaning. As we help our girls become bravehearts, lets keep a watchful eye and strong hand to make sure our boys can become Davids and Joshuas.  Maybe we do need to create arenas just for them, places and situations where they can risk and grow, places that are not canned or fraught with the toe stepping of political correctness.

A few months ago, my son Luke wrote this about his childhood.  Maybe it will help as we think about what we can do.

 

Luke and I a long time ago



"My childhood, as best as I can remember it, consisted of a mix of books, outdoors and family dinners.  The outdoors part especially has shaped me in a way that has imbued me with a sense of the braveheartedness that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  At any whim I was allowed to venture into the thirty acres of woods behind our house for hours and days.  I was an explorer.  Michael Chabon in his essay, 'The Wilderness of Childhood' writes that 'Childhood is a branch of cartography.' I was allowed to explore, allowed to roam and fill in my 'mental map' of the area that I live in.  Chabon writes, 'every story of adventure is in part the story of a landscape.' I got to know the landscape and myself.  And this confidence of exploration, as much as anything, has given me a freedom to explore worlds far beyond our woods."


Garden.

It doesn't have to be the woods,  but it does have to offer real adventure and need for courage and faith.  In your world, where can he be a braveheart boy making choices that mean something and allow him to become a man who knows how to make a difference in life?

Amanda's Story

Let me introduce you to Amanda Glenn, a wonderful young lady who is a braveheart.  Amanda recently shared in our school chapels about her eleven month missionary journey with The World Race.  Her story was so powerful, I asked her if we could do an "interview."  Amanda answers my questions below.

As you read, you might notice what Amanda's parents did to help her have courage including such things as their example and support.  And, as Amanda tells her story, notice how her passion and courage allow Amanda to love and to be loved.  Be sure to click on Amanda's blog at the end (I especially love the pictures!).  Thanks, Amanda.

1. What is the Race?

"The World Race is a missionary journey with Adventures in Missions. The World Race is unique because missionaries travel to eleven different countries in eleven months to minister to a variety of cultures. With essentially our backpacks and tents, we were sent to live among the poorest of poor, feed the hungry, bring hope to prostitutes, care for orphans, and simply love people for who they are-where they are."

2. How did you become involved in the Race?

"I have known since I was a sophomore in high school that I wanted to serve the Lord in full-time ministry. I attended Ouachita Baptist University where I received a degree in Biblical Studies. During university I was very engaged in a wide array of ministries from youth camp counseling, to women's prison ministry, to elderly service. I love to love people! After studying poverty around the world as well as the Lord's heart for social justice in Scripture my desire to love people expanded to include the nations. It became my heart’s desire to make a difference globally and to serve those who are hurting and in need. My dad saw an advertisement for the World Race and encouraged me to look into it. My heart was for the world, not particularly a specific region or country, so I was overjoyed to find a program that would allow the Lord to use me on four different continents!"

3. How did God use you? What did you do?

"The Lord used me to reveal his heart to individuals. Each country provided a different need to meet. The following is a list of the countries that I visited and some of the kinds of people that the Lord sent me to love:

New Zealand- struggling adolescents
Australia- a Hippie Community who rejects Jesus and a Swiss man needing English teaching
Philippines- street families in poverty
Cambodia- a Buddhist village
Thailand/Laos- oppressed believers
Kenya- families in Kibera slums
Tanzania- those sold to witchcraft
Uganda- Lepers/Outcasts
Romania- a rejected community of Gypsies
Czech Republic- atheist tourists, locals, and homeless
Ukraine- University students and handicapped orphans

I did everything from painting homes, working in restaurants, feeding families, preaching sermons, door-to-door evangelism, to just sitting and holding people's hands. The Lord sent me to reveal His love to His creation. Each individual needed to see the Lord's love in a completely unique way."

4. What impacted you the most?

"When I was in Kumi, Uganda, I had the incredible privilege of spending time with a leper named Mary. The disease had a profound impact on her body. She had no toes, only a few twisted fingers, and not much of a nose left. Her family had disowned her. We did not speak each other’s language, but I just sat and held her hand. In that moment I realized that Mary could do nothing to make me love her more. As a “do-er” who found my significance from my actions it transformed my understanding of the Father’s love for us! A love that has no stipulations, no requirements to receive."

5. What was the hardest part of the Race?

"I recognized very quickly that while the Lord was using me, I was being very broken and transformed as well. The World Race is not just about loving people around the world, it is about breaking you down in a real, raw, exposed form- pliable for the Lord to mold into His image. Loving people purely hurts deeply because it requires true humility. Humility is painful because it cuts out the pride and selfishness and the idea that we deserve something. It was painful for me to be in a position where I was vulnerable and to let others in to love me. I like being the one DOING, the one in control of loving. On the Race you have to live with six other teammates 24/7. The hardest part of the Race for me was to allow the Lord to cut out the pride in me and allow myself to be loved by my teammates."

6. How did you have the courage to do the Race?

"Well, to be honest, I do not have many fears! The encouragement from my parents played a significant role in giving me the courage to step out in faith. The adventure of the Race combined with the Lord’s call to go and love was very exciting for me!"

7. What is the best thing your parents did while you were growing up to help you prepare?

"When I was seven years old my parents left very prominent careers in Texas to enter into ministry in Arkansas. I saw them live out their faith in huge ways such as the move, to every day pursuit of Christ in their personal quiet time. They taught me how to love with compassion by example, as well as service by instilling in us a great work ethic. It was also very helpful that I had been raising financial support alongside them all my life, so the funds that I had to raise did not seem as daunting as it was to most. They encouraged me every step of the way. I also had complete confidence that I was in their prayers."

Click here to see Amanda's blog for the World Race

No Little Bravehearts

Most of our children will need courage to just make life work, bravehearts who meet every day's challenges and fears with grace and strength.  While lofty dreams and world changing passions are the arenas where bravehearts play, so are the dreams and passions and feelings in homes, offices, workshops, schools, and smithies. 

There are no little bravehearts; there is nothing ordinary about a life lived with courage.

I see it every day in the eyes of students walking into school.  Many are mustering the courage to say "Hi" to me, and that is before they even get in the door.  Leaving mom, writing ideas that are shared in a group, working a math problem on the board, walking past someone she likes, telling a friend not to do that...the pinpoints for courage each day go on and on.  They are what a successful life requires.

The blacksmith in the poem below isn't famous or changing the thousands.  But he is facing the world and forging lives, stroke by stroke, day by day.  While the poem doesn't say much about courage, as you read, think about what it takes for the blacksmith to keep going.  Think about your children and yourself.  Often the courage to put one step in front of another is greater than that of a famed hero.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow shows the courage in everyday life in this poem, "The Village Blacksmith."  Here is to the many who are bravehearts in every day life, courage and faith beyond understanding just to keep going, making a difference where God places them.



"Under a spreading chestnut tree

The village smithy stands;

The smith, a mighty man is he,

With large and sinewy hands;

And the muscles of his brawny arms

Are strong as iron bands.

"His hair is crisp, and black, and long,

His face is like the tan;

His brow is wet with honest sweat,

He earns whate'er he can,

And looks the whole world in the face,

For he owes not any man.

"Week in, week out, from morn till night,

You can hear his bellows blow;

You can hear him swing his heavy sledge,

With measured beat and slow,

Like a sexton ringing the village bell,

When the evening sun is low.

"And children coming home from school

Look in at the open door;

They love to see the flaming forge,

And hear the bellows roar,

And catch the burning sparks that fly

Like chaff from a threshing-floor.

"He goes on Sunday to the church,

And sits among his boys

He hears the parson pray and preach,

He hears his daughter's voice,

The Village Smithy by Konstantin Rodko

Singing in the village choir,

And it makes his heart rejoice.



"It sounds to him like her mother's voice,

Singing in Paradise!

He needs must think of her once more,

How in the grave she lies;

And with his hard, rough hand he wipe

A tear out of his eyes.

"Toiling,--rejoicing,--sorrowing,

Onward through life he goes;

Each morning sees some task begin,

Each evening sees it close;

Something attempted, something done,

Has earned a night's repose.

"Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend,

For the lesson thou hast taught!

Thus at the flaming forge of life

Our fortunes must be wrought;

Thus on its sounding anvil shaped

Each burning deed and thought!"





"Don't do anything for a child...

...that he can do for himself."

Prof Hendricks

Before "Helicopter Parents" and "Cuisinart parenting" intruded into children's development, Professor Howard Hendricks was telling us, "Don't do anything for a child that he can do for himself."

New college students have the lowest level of emotional health in twenty-five years according to a recent study by UCLA's Higher Education Research Institute.  While economic factors may affect them, this is the same group of students who often grew up with "Helicopter Parents" (hovering over all parts of their lives) and, as John Rosemond calls them, "Cuisinart Parents" (who have blended their lives with their children in all of the details which includes micromanagement and enabling.)  It is no wonder if these students feel like they can't live their lives and become overwhelmed when so much has been done for them.  Many have learned to be helpless.

"Learned Helplessness" is a state where one feels he or she does not have adequate control over surroundings and gives up.  These children learn that they can't (why else would mom and dad do everything for them?) and they don't learn skills and develop confidence to enter life's frays.

This is the state of a "lost heart," that Paul warns us about in Colossians 3:21:  "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart."  Why try when you don't think you can or it is has always been done for you?  And, how do you face life in college or alone when you never learned how because it was done for you?

Let's give our children bigger boxes of life to handle year by year.  Let's only intervene in problems if they will harm our children, remembering that working out problems and facing fears usually helps them grow rather than harms them.  Support and train, but don't do.  Or, we rob their learning and courage. 

In the mid-seventies, Martin Seligman said that we can change learned helplessness by replacing it with "learned optimism," a shift in mindset from lost heart to braveheart.  Our children can face life with optimism by doing it in increasingly large chunks while at home and by developing the skills and courage they need along the way.  They shift from learned helplessness to learned optimism if they know we support them and that we believe in them enough to let them face real life without hand holding and speaking for them.

"Prof" Hendricks, a leader in education and family, told us decades ago to not do anything for our children that they can do for themselves.  Still timely and powerful advice today.

Tiger Mother and Success

Amy Chua and Daughters

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua has gotten a lot of attention.  The author has said things like "the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child." Chua said that it was her custom to call her daughters "garbage" when they displeased her.  She complained that Western mothers were pushovers and she encourages long hours of work on homework and piano to achieve A's and the high level of success expected of her children.  And, no sleepovers.

Since Building Braveheart's subtitle is "The Key to Your Child's Success," I thought it would be good to clarify what I mean by success.  My definition of success is much more about developing great character, especially following God and doing a good job with the gifts each child is given.  To follow Him and to do a good job with what you are given requires trying, the habit of a braveheart.  This is opposite a child who has lost heart and given up, which can happen with too much pressure to succeed in the ways Amy Chua promotes.  When a person tries, in faith, he grows and develops and becomes the best he can.  Pleasing God is the ultimate standard of success.

Even success by Amy Chua's standards is best achieved by a focus on pleasing God, having great character which is possible for everyone, and being a good steward of what you are given, also possible for everyone.  If you try and do your best with what you are given, you can't do more. The person focused on pleasing God has a freedom to go further and engage in ways that those focused on Chua's standards often can't do because fears distract them, similar to a basketball player who makes mistakes because he focuses on the score more than listening to his coach.  At its best, Chua's success is achieved by using fear and domination in the lives of her children.  But, what happens when that pressure is removed?

Success should not be measured by being better than someone else in sport, money, or grades.  Those are essentially by-products of doing the best with what God has given.  Even if a person never succeeds in sport or grades, but follows God and does his best with what he is given, he is a success, a good steward of his or her time, resources, and place.

One of my favorite columnists, John Rosemond (http://www.rosemond.com/) says what follows about "CTM" (Chinese Tiger Mother):

"This all seems like unmitigated, indefensible emotional blackmail to me, but then I am a Westerner and therefore an unmitigated parenting wuss.  I do not understand what it takes for a child to achieve success in life.  Is this cultural chauvinism or what?  Chua describes her parenting style as if she is being totally unselfish, but I suggest that she is all about her."

"This CTM stuff is more about Chua's ego than it is her kids' success."

"She lives through her children.  She even freely admits that she and her American husband do not agree on how to raise the kids, but when he objects, she simply argues him into submission.  The Chinese Tiger Mother is also a Tiger Wife."

"At the Crux of my disagreement with Chua is her definition of success."

Rosemond concludes, "She's fixated on grades and other material accomplishments (one of her daughters played Carnegie Hall in 2007).  I want a child to pretty much--with some coaching and correcting of course--find her own way in life.  I'm all for the child learning through trial-and-error what path is right for her.  Chua is about choosing the child's path and keeping her on it no matter what.  I think character is more important than material success.  Chua believes that character is forged in the struggle for material success.  We agree on nothing."

Success is about character.  A child with character who has courage faces the world and tries.  This child discovers that he can, he explores, and he is drawn further. This braveheart is able to love, for which he was created. The child with heart becomes the best he can be because he is willing to try new things, meet new people, stretch his legs and stand for something beyond herself.  He becomes a success, not because of a domineering mother but because of character, especially the courage to try and keep going.

P.S.  You might enjoy the New York Times column, "Amy Chua Is a Wimp," that says it is easier to focus on piano than to master the social skills of a sleepover, skills that serve well in future achievement:  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/opinion/18brooks.html

Sarah's Story

Sarah, a sophomore at Wheaton College, is my guest today.  I thought you might be encouraged to read her talk at high school graduation on courage.  Sarah will be going into her third year as a river and backpacking guide next summer.

"Peace Like A River"

Graduates, friends. My name is Sarah Neff, and I have this thing for rivers. Yesterday morning, actually, I woke up in Colorado, where I have spent every day of the last two weeks on a river, training to be a whitewater rafting guide.

Does anyone remember the old hymn “It is Well With My Soul”? It begins:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

If I have learned anything in the last two weeks, I have learned that rivers aren't peaceful. Tuesday, I had to swim a class III rapid called Last Chance. I am one of the smallest in my guide class, and swimming rapids is really hard for me. When I jumped in, I missed the eddy at the top of the rapid, which meant I went down without a rest or a breathe, about 20 feet too close to the giant rock in the center of the rapid. I cannot remember ever being so afraid. All of the dangers I had learned about—hydrolics, suckholes, strainers, foot entrapments, hypothermia (If I name anything else, my mom won't let me go back)--all these things suddenly made complete sense and were completely eclipsed by this new, undefinable, tangible, cold, wet fear.

And peace? Peace like a river? After Tuesday, that phrase didn't make sense. And yet, when I was in the middle of that rapid, with waves breaking over me, running out of breath, there was this one, still moment, when I crested a wave and looked downriver. And I knew where I was going. That's the safe thing about rivers. You're always headed downstream. Rivers have this beautiful constancy of motion, this assurance that whatever rock, whatever obstacle, is in the way, the water is going to keep flowing, is going to make it past whatever rapid you're in, all the way to the sea.

My favorite poet, this crazy German monk named Rainer Maria Rilke, said something I like a lot. In a poem written to God, he speaks of the future as it flows forward:

"Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing to you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea."

From this point onward, we, class of 2009, will be streaming through widening channels. There will be swelling and ebbing currents; there will be deepening tides. There will be moments of calm, yes, but there will also be rapids. We might,as I already have, miss eddies. We might get worked by some hydrolics; we will flip boats and run into rocks. But we can have peace—peace that's like a river. Hear me: It's not a peace that comes with the expectation of an easy journey, but rather a peace that comes with a sure destination. Guys, He who began a good work in us is going to carry it on to completion, until the day of Jesus Christ! We're going to make it to the ocean, if we stay in the current of his will. And what joy, what an adventure. The real danger in these widening channels makes room for real courage.

And so, class of 09, to lend a bit of courage, I could think of no better words than those my rafting instructor prayed over me before I swam Last Chance on Tuesday. This comes from Isaiah 43:

"But now, this is what the Lord says—
'Fear not, for I have redeemed you,
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.' "