Courage not only comes from knowing it is right to do, but knowing you are the right person at that time.
How do you know? How does your child know he or she is the one, for that time and place?

Coming up: "Am I the one?"

Poles in the Way

All of the sudden, a barricade of poles appeared on the steep part of the trail where I walk. I have seen a lot of odd things in these woods, but never had someone put logs in my way.

I wasn't about to go around the poles just because someone put them there. And, stepping over was hard. I was irritated that someone had messed up my walk.

Until the fourth day. For three days I grumbled to myself as I climbed, having to lift my foot high to step over the poles. On the fourth day, I didn't lift my foot high enough, so I stepped down on the poles.

I realized that I had been making a mistake. Certainly complaining was a mistake, but my whole view was off. Probably because I didn't like someone interfering with my trail, I liked it how it was. My attitude clouded my eyes.

When I stepped down on the poles, I realized this wasn't a barrier to make it harder.

This was a step.

It actually made the climb up or down easier and safer. Why didn't I see it sooner?

I wonder how often I see things as barriers, as trouble, and they are really steps to help me get up or down. I wonder how the way I look at things makes them hard when they could be for good.

Isn't it this way with most problems? We really do learn from them, which then helps us take the next step even better.

Or fears. When we step right up to those things we are afraid of, instead of going over them or around them, we build courage for the next time and begin to look at obstacles as opportunities. We grow and learn that obstacles help make us who we are, for good. And, our example as we encounter problems influences others, especially our children.

Our children need to see problems and fears as opportunities to grow and make a difference, not something to strenously high step over or find another way around. The value comes from our attitude, our approach, to the obstacle. Grumbling and avoiding only bring us down. Seeing obstacles as opportunies takes us higher.

Is it an obstacle or an opportunity?

Courage is built by taking one step at a time.
Grumbling or giving in keeps our children from learning that they can step up, that things do work out, that God won't try them beyond what they can endure. That He is with them, now and in the future.

If we use the poles as steps

Let's help our children learn this much faster than I did!

The Most Common Command

N. T. Wright, in Following Jesus, says this:

"As the college barman in my undergraduate days once said to me, 'The trouble is, everything Jesus is against-I like.' But this conception of God is in fact a lie. The resurrection of Jesus proves that it's a lie. Do you know what the most frequent command in the Bible turns out to be? What instruction, what order, is given, again and again, by God, by angels, by Jesus, by prophets and apostles? What do you think-'Be good'? 'Be holy, for I am holy'? Or, negatively, 'Don't sin'? 'Don't be immoral'? No. The most frequent command in the Bible is: 'Don't be afraid.' Don't be afraid. Fear not. Don't be afraid."

"Every one of us has something on her or his mind about which we badly need a voice to say: 'Don't be afraid. It's going to be all right.' As the Lord said to Lady Julian: 'All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.' Let's make no mistake about it: until you learn to live without fear you won't find it easy to follow Jesus."

We, and our children, won't find it easy to be and do what God has planned for us until we replace fear with heart. May we learn to trust. And, "All shall be well."

P.S. Thanks to Jim Wilhoit for leading me to this.

Afraid to Lose

We were closing on an undefeated volleyball season. Each match got harder. The opponents weren't getting better, but it was increasingly hard to play the way that got us where we were: smart, aggressive, loose. I remember a reporter talking with me about the team, asking what would keep us from going all the way, why we seemed to be struggling in the last couple of matches.

I didn't hesitate. "We are becoming afraid to lose."

The more we won, the more we became afraid to lose.

And, when you are afraid to lose, you play a different game. 

You hold up on hits, don't take chances, you just keep the ball in play instead of going for the kill.

Which gives the other team a chance, they become the strong ones, and you find yourself always in a defensive posture, digging and diving their hard hit balls instead of making the other team do that.

I watched a classic high school volleyball match recently. Two great teams with a long rivalry.

The match went to five games and it was close to the end.

But, you could see it, you could see it in their eyes.

You could see the favorite team, the one who usually won, become afraid to lose.

They weren't used to losing, but the other team had some good plays and had them down.

The favorites starting playing it safe. They kept the ball in play, but in a way that let the other team set well and hit hard. The favorites played defense instead of hard ball. They were afraid to lose.

They lost.

Fear freezes.

And, creates losers.

It is true in sports, relationships, work, growing. Pretty much everywhere.

We can help our children by teaching them to notice when they are taking a defensive posture. We can help them notice when fear instead of faith is driving their choices.

Noticing the slip into a defensive mindset lets a coach call a time out and tell the team what they are doing, to readjust their mindset and get back to what wins games.

Sometimes we need to help our children by calling a time out. Pulling them back from the busyness of life and pressures of the day and adjust their approach. And, maybe check our's to make sure we aren't the reason they are afraid to take risks and play to win, whatever the situation.

They need our help, our love that is deep enough to do what is best for them and helps them address fears.

"Perfect love casts out fear."

Timeout. Call a timeout. When things aren't moving forward and they are back on their heels. Timeout.

Pray and encourage and understand, so they can move from defense to joy and life, lived with passion and pursuing the win, not afraid of losing.

The Second Essential Question Needed for Courage: Is It Wise?

The Fuzzy

"Is it right?" was the first essential question needed for courage (See "Is It Right?").

But what happens when right is not clear?
Wisdom is needed.

Wisdom helps sort out the fuzzy. It gives confidence when knowing what to do isn't real clear. It can be figuring out if the idea is right. Or, deciding how an idea is applied to a life, how it is used. Wisdom is where truth bumps life.

Knowing that something is right gives confidence for courage. But, how can our children know if something is right and worth the risk, if it is not spelled out?

I had the audacity years ago to teach a class called "Knowing God's Will" in the Lay Institute of Dallas Seminary. I am still not sure why they let me do it, but I hope today that I at least caused no harm. I pointed the class to some ideas that I think are right. I have learned some things since then, too.

"Knowing Gods' Will"  gets down to using wisdom to decide if something is right or wrong to do. Lots of books have been written, you might go to some. But, below is a starter. These are things that a child should learn, to sort out life in the fuzzy times, to know when to step out in faith and with courage.

1. Pray. Maybe I should just stop there. James chapter one says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. The beginning point of wisdom is to put God in His place and understand life through His eyes.
2. Ask the Bible. Wisdom relies on truth, and particularly truth from the Creator. The Bible provides poignant truth for all people, about how life really works. Second step for wisdom is to see if the Bible speaks into the situation, either directly or indirectly.
3. Ask others. I am pretty confident that people have figured out whatever I am stuck on before. Ask a variety of people. Ask friends and family who love you and want your best. We can easily deceive ourselves; others help us see situations from different views and bring new and tested ideas.
4. Listen. Sometimes we don't understand and don't hear because we don't listen. Or, we are trying to listen where it is too noisy. Help your child find quiet and peaceful pockets in life so words can be heard and thoughts had. Scheduling every minute and filling the rest with screens and audio blocks truth and confuses thoughts. Outdoors seems to help, just playing or walking.
5. Know self. Help your child know his or her gifts and interests. Help your child try different parts of life to see how God made him or her. Discovering self happens best when fed with ideas and opportunities, used. Wisdom often results from following one's gifts and passions.
6. Pros and Cons. Sometimes just writing down the good and bad helps. Writing often brings clarity to thinking.
7. Feel freedom. If God is speaking and counsel is directing, feel confident to move that direction, with heart. But, a lack of being clearly told is not a reason to stand still; often the choice to move in faith is followed by understanding and affirmation. If there is nothing saying "don't," we should feel the freedom to do it. At least try.

The goal is to sort out fuzzy choices so your child can act with courage, not be afraid to try and move forward. The actions above may help. Practice helps. Wisdom is often an art more than a science, led by the Holy Spirit. Help your child to progressively practice using these tools, kind of like giving them paper and crayons. Then sharp scissors when they are ready!

Lord willing, it will be clear that the choice is the right one.

Then, the next question is: "Who should do it?"
Your child. Or someone else?

Helping a new person in school.
Giving money to missions.
Hugging a hurting friend.
Rescuing a dog from a fire.

All good. And right.
But, who should do it?

Courage not only comes from knowing it is right to do, but knowing you are the right person at that time.
How do you know? How does your child know he or she is the one, for that time and place?

Coming up: "Am I the one?"

The First Essential Question Needed for Courage: Is It Right?

Let me invite you to explore four essential questions that our children, and we, must answer to be a braveheart. Today, I will explore "Is it right?" and then catch the others in later posts. Here are the questions:
1. Is it right?
2. Is it wise?
3. Am I the one?
4. Do I trust?

With the right answer to these questions, courage happens, courage that makes a difference.

Question one: Is it right?

Are the words or the actions that are wanting courage "right" to do? And, let me add two other questions we could ask that might help in some situations: "Is it good?" or "Is it excellent?" Or, maybe you can think of other questions that would help decide if words or actions are important and hard enough to need courage. But, lets start with "Is it right?"

Knowing that something good and right needs done or said is the power behind courage, and prevents courage from slipping to foolishness. To have courage, a person must know a right or a good. A person without an understanding of right and good has no reason to be brave.

Trying to decide between right and wrong, or good and bad, can sound simplistic. Sometimes the distinction is simple and works well, but sometimes it doesn't.

For example, you can be sure that telling the truth and being kind are right. Rooted in the Bible and in most cultures, these are standards of right and wrong. If a person is being picked on, it is right to be kind to him. If the building inspector asks you if you are following code, the truthful answer is right.

Doing or saying the right thing can cost. Being kind to someone who is ostracized by the group can result in the group ostracizing the kind person. Telling the truth to a building inspector can result in more expensive work. But, they are right.

Not to become legalistic, but are we teaching children things that are cleanly right and good? Things that they will not doubt because they are taught in God's word and are common sense. And, how do we teach? It is best done by word and example. What do they know from you and me by what we teach and model, not "Do as I say and not as I do" but "Do as I say and do!" What is our source of rights and wrongs in life? What is our authority? And, what do we teach or model unintentionally?

Dana and I were just talking about some things we think our children learned from us, and some were not intentional. Between annual vacations and moving, they learned to have adventure and that moving is okay. They learned that they can live away from their parents, because we did. They learned to value books and reading: that one was intentional! What are your children learning is right and good from you?

Picking a right can get complicated. It is right to tell the truth, always. But, Paul says in Ephesians to "speak the truth in love." As in most decisions to act or speak, there is right. But, the right needs to be done in

love, for the best of the other person. The controller is love. That is clear. But, knowing what that means in any specific situation can be fuzzy. How much of the truth? Do you write a note, give a hug, or shake your finger?

Let's not get lost in the fuzzy. Fuzzy can often become an excuse to not do or say the right thing: "I don't know if this is right to say because I might hurt her, so I won't say anything." Fuzzy means be careful, not give up on doing right.

That is why we need wisdom. Wisdom sorts out the fuzzy. And, often points to the best way to act or speak.

A discussion on wisdom is coming. But, don't wait! Start now. Ask God. James 1:5 says: "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." That will hold you over!

All In for the Big Jump

A couple of years ago, Dana and I spent the weekend at a beautiful lodge in Mt. Magazine State Park.  Mt. Magazine is known for being the highest point in Arkansas, bears, butterflies, and hang gliding.  While we were there, I watched two hang gliders launch into a two-thousand feet drop and fly until they looked like small birds.

"Clark Kent"

The two men hang gliding were friendly, so I learned some things. I learned that people who hang glide are different. One was a mild-mannered Clark Kent type and the other a Mountain Man. Mountain Man came to the edge, went through his checklist quickly, ran a few steps, and jumped.  Clark Kent was methodical, carefully examining each strap and bar, and waiting for seven or eight minutes for the wind to blow straight into his launch.  He rode the updrafts a lot longer than Mountain Man.

I also learned how much they had prepared.  To do this somewhat difficult jump, you had to already have ten hours of flight time, which takes a lot of five and ten minute jumps. They learned to hang glide by running on flat land with no equipment.  Then running on flat land holding the metal brackets.  Then, with wings.  Then, they got a small rise to jump from.  Bigger and longer each time. They worked hard to prepare, to become strong.  One of the gliders said, "We really aren't afraid because of all of the preparation that got us ready."

When Joshua led Israel to claim the Promised Land, God told him three times to be "strong and courageous."  The generation before had not claimed the special place God had for them because of fear.  The spies of that generation had reported that the Land was special just as God had said.  But,there were big people there.  Their fear kept them from having the best God offered and this special place was given to someone else.  Joshua's conquest needed what the first generation lacked: strength and courage.

The hang gliders were strong, they had prepared well enough that they had confidence in their jump. It would still be dangerous, but they had the courage to come up to the edge and be all in because of their mental and physical strength developed through hours of practice and training.  The hard work of preparation, becoming strong, is a key to giving children courage.  Courage comes from knowing you are ready for the challenge.  Strength gives courage for the challenge.

How do we prepare our children?  Help them to increasingly understand that strength is up to them, not something you can do for them.  While a coach can set up a training plan for a player to lift weights, it is up to the player to lift and work.  Show children that the hard work of preparation pays off, whether in preparing for a test, an athletic contest, or a concert.  Give them small experiences as they are young and larger jumps as they get older, just like the preparation for the hand gliders.  Show them hard work in your life.  Don't help them look for shortcuts or complain that teachers are too hard on them. Support them, but let them see what preparation feels like and how it pays off.

Help them think about the importance of becoming strong in a variety of areas.  The things that schools traditionally do--like reading, writing, speaking, and reasoning--prepare children for many of the challenges they face in our culture; if they feel strong in these, they will have courage to enter the work force, pursue other training, and engage with people.

But, don't stop there.  Try these.
* Social skills and strength in getting along with people. How can they prepare for working with others?
* Emotional strength: are they comfortable with themselves. How can you help them see themselves rightly?
* Physical health keeps a child and adult able to face challenges of all sorts.
* Spiritual strength:  A right relationship with God helps children know why they are here and gives purpose and courage.

As you pray and look at your child, periodically evaluate strengths and areas that could use attention.  Encourage them with comments about their strengths.  And, normally for areas that need growth, it is better to not tell them (that is discouraging) but sneakily plan and help growth. (For example, if a child is not physically strong, maybe Dad starts biking with her, making it a fun time with Dad instead of a remedial training experience--look for positive, relational ways to strengthen weak areas.)

And, one more area of strength that is of particular importance to courage:  strength of character. Todd Beamer, the 9/11 hero who helped overcome the hijackers of United Airlines Flight 93 before it could reach its target, was "known for his strength of character and leadership in everything he did" (excerpted from the Wheaton Academy Connection).  Todd was the one who said, "Are you guys ready?  Let's roll."  Todd's strength of character, his hard work, and his "rare ability to subjugate his own benefit for that of the team" prepared Todd for his unexpected need for courage.  (For an example of strength and courage, you can read Todd's story to your older children in Let's Roll by his wife, Lisa.)

As we help our children gain strength so they are ready for their call, let's praise them for hard work and character, things that won't fade.  Let's help them see the benefits of preparation by connecting their work with success.  Let's think about their areas of strength and weakness and find subversive and pleasant ways to build their weaknesses in their spiritual, social, physical, and emotional growth. 

Let's help them build strength of character that is ready for the unexpected, so they can answer God's call to what He has planned for them, ready to be all in like the hang gliders.  There is nothing more beautiful than a life lived faith to faith, rich and abundant, with strength and courage to jump and enjoy the flight.

(If you would like to see the beauty of what happens after the jump, click here:Airtime at Mt. Magazine. While you are watching, maybe you can ask yourself if God is trying to get you to "be all in" and jump toward something important and beautiful, has He prepared you and now you are at the edge while He is talking to you or giving you a push?)