Easter in a Braveheart's Life

Death. Then life.  The pattern of Easter, that Jesus died for us and was raised from the dead.  The penalty for my sin paid, the proof and power evident in His resurrection.

It is the same pattern we are called to live daily:  death to self, life in Christ.  It is the same pattern that strips us of any reason for pride, but at the same time gives us an inestimable reason for living and power to become the person God wants, doing the things He has called us to in life abundant.  A life well lived.


"Jesus Resurrected" (Anna Kocher, 2006)

It is the same pattern that our children need to learn to become bravehearts.  Die to self.  Live in Christ.

Yet, we often don't want our children to go through the hurt of giving up self and the humility it takes to let Christ live in them.  This is not the stuff of Saturday morning cartoons or reality TV episodes.  It digs to the innermost hollows of bone and contorts our insides while it happens.  It is at once something that we want for children because we know it is best, but we are afraid of it.  Something that we prepare them for, but don't want to relinquish our control and the life we plan for them so that God can take over.

In all of our work as parents-support, protection, managing risks thoughtfully, providing opportunity, teaching them truth and surrounding them with people who do the same...in all of our work to prepare bravehearts, we are reluctant to loosen our control and let go of our pride at the most critical moments and let them go alone, which they must.  We can build them strong and catch them after, but we have to let them jump.  Moments where self is lost and Christ is gained are lonely, except for His presence.

Perhaps this is on my heart now not only because of Easter, but because of the current season in the life of schools.  It is the season of awards assemblies and celebrations.  Honor roles, "The Best of Class"...or whatever the name is in your world.  Athletic awards, academics awards, citizenship awards, art awards, college admissions, scholarships, and the applause of spring plays.  The list goes on.

It may be one of the most dangerous times for building bravehearts, depending on how mom and dad handle all of the honors being passed to children.  If personal honor is important to us, it will be important to our children. If he or she isn't noticed in a play, doesn't get the award we dreamed she would, or is accidentally missed in the big presentation, what do we do?  And, what does it say to our child?  Personal glory is antithetical to dying to self and Christ in me.  How big a deal is the honor to you, for your child?  Are our words and actions as parents telling our children that life is about them and their glory, or about Christ and growing like Him?

Probably one of the saddest pictures I have stored in my head are the scenes of parents losing control with a teacher or coach because their child wasn't properly honored.  Usually in public and usually embarrassing.  And, always telling their child that personal honor is most important.  Glory is what it is about, not growth.  Children learn from mom and dad.

Let me share a piece by Henri Nouwen from In the Name of Jesus:

"Beneath all of the great accomplishments of our time there is a deep current of despair.  While efficiency and control are the great aspirations of our society, the loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy, broken relationships, boredom, feelings of emptiness and depression, and a deep sense of uselessness fill the hearts of millions of people in our success-oriented world."

After describing the desolation of those who look for fulfillment in our secularized world and its glory and methods, Nouwen gives the solution: 

"Before Jesus commissioned Peter to be a shepherd he asked him, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these others do?' He asked him again, 'Do you love me?'  And a third time he asked, 'Do you love me?'  We have to hear that question as being central to all of our Christian ministry because it is the question that can allow us to be, at the same time, irrelevant and truly self-confident."

Love Jesus.  Not self.  Let Him live in you.  Irrelevant and self-confident. What a fascinating paradox, the more our children seek glory, the more likely they don't make it and come up sad and empty, not growing and becoming what they can be.  It is short sighted.  But, when they focus on Jesus and others, not self, and let Him live in them, they actually grow more and are more likely to gain some glory, now or later.  But, that glory means nothing to those children except a dangerous tug at pride.  Applauding those who do well is great, but the applause that matters is from One Person.

What do we do?  Applaud things like effort, selflessness, and unconditional love.  Put them in places where they can see others model a life lived in Christ and the joy of growing, not glory.  Model it:  do those things behind the scenes that no one ever sees, because children do see and learn.  If they get an award, say "Great job, You worked hard, and I am proud of you," but say the same thing if they don't get the award...if it is true.  Talk about different gifts and abilities and how each is important to God.  Let them know that God does not make mistakes.  Show them how to live for One Person, not for the acclaim of others.  Love them unconditionally, not only when they perform and achieve.

Peter says in First Peter 4, " And, all of you, clothe yourselves in with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  Therefore humble yourselves under the might hand of God, that he may exalt you at the proper time, casing all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

And, Paul in Colossians 3,  "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.  For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory."

Glory or Growth

This is the time of the school year for awards and celebrations.  Perhaps one of the most dangerous times for children on their way to becoming bravehearts. 

I have seen parents lose perspective when their child wasn't picked for an award, was accidentally not noticed, or was standing in a place where not everyone could see her.  The emotion involved in their child not being appropriately honored led to arguments and challenges to teachers and coaches, even in the most public places and inappropriate times.  Embarassing and sad moments.

When mom and dad are so intent on glory for their child, the child begins to think it is all about the glory.  He begins to think that however you get noticed is right and good.  Not long ago I worked with an intellegint and hard working  young man who cheated.  Why?  He needed to get the grade that his parents could be proud of. 

A child who learns to work only for honor doesn't become his best in two ways.  First, if the prize is already obtained ("I have that A already"), why try harder?  Second, if the honor is to hard to get, why try.  If a child knows he can't acheive the prize, why try at all?  Reaching for an honor becomes either too low of an expectation or too high of one.  Both ways do not consistently bring out the best in children.
We often use external awards like candy and trophies to motivate children.  But, if those don't move quickly to an internal motivation, effort will continue to need to be bought.  The goal of external motivations is to show a child he or she can do it and that there is value in effort and in the process, so he begins to motivate self.  If glory continues to be the motivation for trying, growth is stunted.

Glory seeking leads to a life of frustration and unacheived goals. Or, a false belief in "how good I am."  A life of richness and deep success depends on a growth focus, instead.

When a child isn't honored because he can't be seen by the audience in a play, the child learns about humility and working for the common good.  He learns that the body of Christ has different parts and while each is important, each isn't seen or honored the same.  He learns to work and participate whether he is noticed or not, preparing him for real life where most work and life aren't noticed by other people.  He learns to set personal goals and not depend on applause to keep goign and growing. He learns it isn't about him. We can help our children learn to grow in ways that serve a lifetime if we don't worry about them being honored. 

Over the years, I often found it sad when parents and students worried so much about being recognized.  Their sorrow and lack of joy others who were recognized was so evident, even as they tried to say "congratulations" with red eyes and sunken cheeks.  If only they had learned the value of doing your best as an end in itself, they could celebrate with others.  If only mom and dad were less worried about being noticed and more concerned about growing, humility, and team.  The hurt of not being honored would disappear.

And, very likely the glory for the child would actually be more.  The paradox is that the more a child cares about glory, the less a child grows and achieves glory less; but, the more a child doesn't care about glory but focuses on the joy of humble growing, the more likely he actually is noticed.  Watch this play out.  Trying to hard to be noticed or win distracts development, encourages shortcuts, and always fails at some time.  Trying hard to learn and grow always results in doing the best with what God has given, a winner for a lifetime.  When I coached basketball, I told my players that the score board was for the fans:  if the player focuses on the score, he loses track of what it takes to do his best every minute.

Please.  Our children are watching and listening.  What is important to us?  What do they see us get excited about?  Glory?  Pride?  Or, are we genuinely concerned about learnign and growing?  Which do they see in us during this school season of awards and celebrations?  A joy for others and a real freedom for the time.  Or, are they learning that glory is what it is about.  Our words and actions impact their little lives and they will value what we show them to value.  What do you want for your child?  Shallow, shortly remembered glory?  Or, a lifetime of growing and joy?