This is the time of the school year for awards and celebrations. Perhaps one of the most dangerous times for children on their way to becoming bravehearts.
I have seen parents lose perspective when their child wasn't picked for an award, was accidentally not noticed, or was standing in a place where not everyone could see her. The emotion involved in their child not being appropriately honored led to arguments and challenges to teachers and coaches, even in the most public places and inappropriate times. Embarassing and sad moments.
When mom and dad are so intent on glory for their child, the child begins to think it is all about the glory. He begins to think that however you get noticed is right and good. Not long ago I worked with an intellegint and hard working young man who cheated. Why? He needed to get the grade that his parents could be proud of.
A child who learns to work only for honor doesn't become his best in two ways. First, if the prize is already obtained ("I have that A already"), why try harder? Second, if the honor is to hard to get, why try. If a child knows he can't acheive the prize, why try at all? Reaching for an honor becomes either too low of an expectation or too high of one. Both ways do not consistently bring out the best in children.
We often use external awards like candy and trophies to motivate children. But, if those don't move quickly to an internal motivation, effort will continue to need to be bought. The goal of external motivations is to show a child he or she can do it and that there is value in effort and in the process, so he begins to motivate self. If glory continues to be the motivation for trying, growth is stunted.
Glory seeking leads to a life of frustration and unacheived goals. Or, a false belief in "how good I am." A life of richness and deep success depends on a growth focus, instead.
When a child isn't honored because he can't be seen by the audience in a play, the child learns about humility and working for the common good. He learns that the body of Christ has different parts and while each is important, each isn't seen or honored the same. He learns to work and participate whether he is noticed or not, preparing him for real life where most work and life aren't noticed by other people. He learns to set personal goals and not depend on applause to keep goign and growing. He learns it isn't about him. We can help our children learn to grow in ways that serve a lifetime if we don't worry about them being honored.
Over the years, I often found it sad when parents and students worried so much about being recognized. Their sorrow and lack of joy others who were recognized was so evident, even as they tried to say "congratulations" with red eyes and sunken cheeks. If only they had learned the value of doing your best as an end in itself, they could celebrate with others. If only mom and dad were less worried about being noticed and more concerned about growing, humility, and team. The hurt of not being honored would disappear.
And, very likely the glory for the child would actually be more. The paradox is that the more a child cares about glory, the less a child grows and achieves glory less; but, the more a child doesn't care about glory but focuses on the joy of humble growing, the more likely he actually is noticed. Watch this play out. Trying to hard to be noticed or win distracts development, encourages shortcuts, and always fails at some time. Trying hard to learn and grow always results in doing the best with what God has given, a winner for a lifetime. When I coached basketball, I told my players that the score board was for the fans: if the player focuses on the score, he loses track of what it takes to do his best every minute.
Please. Our children are watching and listening. What is important to us? What do they see us get excited about? Glory? Pride? Or, are we genuinely concerned about learnign and growing? Which do they see in us during this school season of awards and celebrations? A joy for others and a real freedom for the time. Or, are they learning that glory is what it is about. Our words and actions impact their little lives and they will value what we show them to value. What do you want for your child? Shallow, shortly remembered glory? Or, a lifetime of growing and joy?
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